Goodbye Guy

Neil's father passed away today. I was trying to find some photos of him and just wanted to share some of what I found.

All our love,

Aislinn

Look at this!

I grew up in Bend, so a lot of snow is not new to me, but holy crap! I don't remember the last time I've seen so much.

We're supposed to drive to Bend tomorrow and everyone thinks we should stay home, except for my dad, of course. I think he's a little frustrated with me for being so concerned about it, but I don't want something to happen and be stuck in the snow with the baby. We have an all-wheel-drive Subaru and chains, but it's low to the ground and with so much snow it would be easy to get high-centered. And, actually, I'm not so concerned about the pass as I am about getting to the pass. They maintain the pass pretty well, but they don't maintain the roads here very well. Not like I was used to in Bend.

I certainly don't want to be stuck here for Christmas, but that drive to Bend is going to be long and stressful. For me, anyways. Neil is not worried about it. He worked a 24 hour shift yesterday on the transport team for the Emanuel Children's Hospital and he had to drive to Astoria and back. Highway 26 to the coast is closed, so he had to take Hwy 30 through St. Helens. He was in an ambulance with studs and chains so he didn't have any problems, but I was super worried about him. In the end he ended up losing two chains, his windshield wipers broke and a switch thing that keeps the baby warm in the back of the bus broke, so they had to bring him a new vehicle to the hospital after he got back. He went on another call later at night to Vancouver and they didn't put chains in his new vehicle! He made it okay, but said it was pretty dangerous.

So...I guess as long as Neil is fine with driving tomorrow, we'll be heading to Bend. It's hard to stay positive right now, but I'm trying! It is beautiful out there. Welcome to winter.

Love,
Aislinn

Book Memories

I have a book shelf next to the rocking chair in Riley's room that I pull from when it's story time. Many times I have to rock and read to calm him down for a nap. Our book collection is a mix of some of my old favorites and new ones that have been gifted to him. My dad read to me a lot (I'm sure my mom did too, but my memories predominately feature my father) and I remember the books being so funny. The new ones that Riley has are largely sentimental stories, such as Daddy's Little Boy, Keep Love in your Heart, Little One and Your First Step. We also have The Hawaiian Mother Goose, My Filipino Word Book and Counting Ovejas, for a touch of other languages.

There are about five books that I remember very clearly as my favorites. Two of them are on Riley's book shelf but the others are long gone.

Witches Four is about four witches that have lost their hats to four cats, who made them into their homes. I think what I always loved about this book was the rhythm; one witch, two witch, three witch, four. And I liked that it wasn't The Four Witches, but Witches Four - I'm not sure why, but it was different and that appealed to me, I guess. Just seeing the cover brings back memories of being all tucked into bed with my dad reading by my side. I don't remember much else of the book, unfortunately, but I would love to find a copy to read to Riley.

The Man Who Cooked For Himself is about a man who had his food delivered to his country home by a friend, until that friend took a vacation. Well, winter came and the man ate through all of his food. When spring arrived he had no food and he had to go out and collect his own. He picked nuts and berries, some kind of greens that he found by the lake, and he caught his own fish. It's funny to me that at such a young age I loved that he had to find his own food, but he made such a nice feast for himself out of what was right outside of his house. I wanted to do that too.

But No Elephants chronicles how granny bought a bird from an animal salesman to keep her company and it sang to her while she cooked. Then she bought a beaver, then a turtle and finally a woodpecker, and they all helped out around the house in their own ways. Each time she bought an animal, however, she would firmly say, But no elephants! Then when winter came the salesman had no where for the elephant to go, so she finally took him in. But then he ate everything and fell through the floor. However, he was then able to walk the house to a nice, tropical location and everyone was happy. I think I liked this book because my dad would say ephalumps instead of elephants. I also liked that granny took these animals in and that they were able to help her. This is one of the books that I still have.

When the Sun Rose is the other book that's on Riley's shelf. It is such a beautiful book about a girl who's friend comes to visit in a yellow rose carriage pulled by her golden lion. Their dolls trade dresses, they eat blueberries and cream, the lion purrs and they draw rainbows. The illustrations are so warm and full of light. This is one that my mom got me and I've always treasured it. This author also wrote Grandfather Twilight, about a man who pulls a pearl from his wood chest every night and walks it to the sea as it grows into the moon. It is equally as stunning, though not as vibrant as When the Sun Rose.

And finally, The Stupids series. I absolutely adored these books. They had things like a picture hanging on the wall of a tree but it would say boat. Or, as you can see by this cover, they would do such things as wear their animals as hats. It was just so funny to me that they would do such silly things as if it were normal. I remember going to the library and trying to find new books in the series that my dad and I hadn't read yet. I thought he would be so excited if I found a new one for us to giggle over. I think they made it into a movie, but I haven't seen it.

I also really liked The Bernstein Bears series. I liked that the bears were named Mama, Papa, Brother and Sister and they lived in a tree. Isn't that every child's fantasy, to live in a tree?

So far, Riley's favorites (or at least the ones he'll sit all the way through) are Green Eggs and Ham and Old MacDonald Had a Farm (he likes that I sing it and make the animal noises). He does pretty well with The Hawaiian Mother Goose, the rhymes calm him. The trouble is that I can't read books that aren't the thick cardboard type because he just tears the thin paper books. He likes to turn the pages back and forth, but the paper books are too thin for his hands and it usually turns into grabbing and pulling.

Raising a child brings back memories of my own childhood, especially when you have tangible objects from your past, such as these books. I am grateful that my parents read to me so much; they have given me pleasant memories. I hope to do the same for Riley.

Love,

Aislinn

In My Dreams

I keep having dreams that I'm either pregnant or have just given birth to a baby. I had been feeling a little strange in my body and with the dreams I've been having, decided to take a pregnancy test. It was negative and I was extremely relieved. Though dreaming of having another child and the joy and wonder that it inspires does kind of make me want another. But, I'm really on the fence about it. I feel like I'm supposed to have another, but I wouldn't mind devoting all my attention to Riley. I would be just fine with him being an only child. That being said, however, I am an only child and I always wanted an older brother. Riley will be that if we have another baby. But, is making him an older sibling fulfilling my old desires, or is it me making the decision for Riley's life that it will be better if he has a sibling?

As a parent I have to think differently then I ever have before. I make the decisions that direct another being's life. How will the decisions that I make now affect him in the future? Or how will something that I don't do now affect him later? How do I give my little boy a great life without projecting my hopes and desires too much on him? How do I know that putting him in a sport or teaching him a musical instrument will be the sport or instrument that he prefers? You don't know these things, of course, and I realize that there is much trial and error, many mistakes or simply just risks and chances. I don't want to over think it, but I do struggle at times with doing what I want and making sure that it is best for Riley, too. And for Neil. And for a possible future child.

Riley is standing on his own now. Not for long periods and not very frequently, but he's getting more confident. When I first thought that I might be pregnant, my first thought was not about how I didn't want to go through the physical challenges of being pregnant, or that I didn't want to go through childbirth, but that I didn't want to take anything away from Riley. I want to be absolutely focused on him and I don't want to be distracted from his milestones by another being's milestones. That sounds weird, now that I've typed it, but it was my first reaction. I'm not sure if it's selfishness or over-protectiveness or simply first-time mom sentiments.

What will be, will be, so there's no use in worrying about it. But I do have some say and as of now I'm not ready for another. And yet the love that I feel for the being in my dreams will not go away. I even know that it's a boy and his name is Kaylen (I spell that phonetically, I'm not sure what spelling it would actually be). I've also dreamed, before Riley was born, that I had a daughter named Elijah. I take my dreams pretty seriously and use them as tools. And they affect me deeply, give me a sense of innate knowing. So, maybe I'll end up with three children! In fact, that was in one of my recent dreams, too. After I gave birth and they said it was boy, I though (in my dream), oh no, I'm going to have three children because I know I'm supposed to have a girl, too!

Oh dreams. Take them as signs or shrug 'em off?

Love,
Aislinn

He's (Almost) Done!

Today was Neil's last day of school (the end of his finals week). He now has an AA in Applied Science. I was very happy for him earlier and he grimly said that he wasn't done yet, as he still has to take the national paramedic exam. But, I reminded him that even if he doesn't pass that, he still has a degree. He perked up after that and called his dad, then my dad, then my mom. We went out to dinner to celebrate and he told the waitress too.

He really has worked very hard for his degree. I know he will pass his paramedic exam, but beyond that he can also call himself a college graduate.

I don't remember my last day of school, but I remember when I applied for my degree. It took me five and a half years to get a Bachelor of Arts in English and applying for that official piece of paper was bliss. You dream of the day, when you are knee deep in papers and books (and ready to have a nervous break down), that you get to realize your accomplishments in the present moment. All the hard work is worth it when that sweet day comes.

I am so proud of Neil. He's really changed his life around and has truly made something of himself. He has a pretty bad past and is proof that you can change and achieve the life you want to live. It's hard work, yes, and sometimes there are many hoops to jump through. And, of course, there were many times when he wanted to give up. But he didn't, and now his day of success is realized. Bravo, my love!

Love,
Aislinn

Gimme that!

I love these shots.

Love,

Aislinn

I'm just saying

My son keeps me so busy that I have not had the time to focus on this blog. And when he goes to sleep, I have so many other things to take care of around the house that by the time I'm done, I just want to relax. There are many things I have been wanting to write about, like recently seeing the film I did awhile back, Dangerous Writing, and having one of my articles finally being published in Curve Magazine. I also wanted to write about how cooking my first Thanksgiving dinner went. And my mom going back to Hawaii. But, even now, my son is about to tear down a lamp and I have to go...

So, as I was saying...Riley is such a handful. Holy shit. And I know it's only going to get - sorry, have to pull him away from the computer wires... Anyways, my days are filled with joy. I get to spend them with my son, watching him learn and grow. Trying new foods. Discovering new things. But sometimes I really want to pull my hair out. That's motherhood, I know. I get that. I'm just saying. And I'm also saying it because it's the reason why I'm not writing more.

I wish I could write more now, but I have to try to put him down for a nap (the third attempt). He's very stubborn. But too cranky to not take one. He's also stuck under my chair and not happy about it. Don't worry, kiddo, neither am I!

Love,
Aislinn