Seek the Risk

I was talking with a friend, Zach, after acting class tonight. Zach is visiting from North Hollywood, but previously lived in Portland and took Neal's acting class, and we also appeared together in Neal's short film London Calling. I was opening up to him a bit about how I feel like I'm regressing in my talent as an actor. I try to control myself too much, which is basically that I'm afraid to take risks. Zach pitched in, then, and told me a saying that has really helped him (this may not be verbatim): "Fear doesn't exist if there's faith."

That struck a cord in me. I've been worrying that maybe I've "lost" my talent as an actor. But I think it's that I just don't have very much faith in myself as an actor right now. I think that's because I haven't pushed through the limitations that I put on myself, so I feel stuck.

But it seems like a vicious circle. If I had faith in myself than I could commit to pushing myself, taking risks, to get over the fear of losing control. But I don't take risks because I'm afraid to fail, fall flat on my face, be embarrassed, and so on...because I don't have much faith. Which leads to another saying that Zach told me: "to be an actor means to dare to fail." To actually, in a sense, go looking for the failure by seeking the risk.

I think that's why right now, the risk for me, is committing to acting class every month. Just keep pushing on even though there's times when I just want to give up and let it go. I mean, the true risk comes from the work I do in the class, but with the little faith I have in myself right now, it's enough just to make it to class every week sometimes.

Boy, when I type that out, it sounds a bit pathetic...but that's me judging myself...and I need to push through that, too.

Love,
Aislinn