My, What a Busy Week!

I have but a small window to write as I am packing for a week long camping/spiritual trip. I am heading to the Ochoco Mountains, outside of Prineville, for a Native American ceremony. It is a ceremony I attend every year, but this year is quite different as Neil is participating in it...and that's no small potatoes. The preparation has kept us quite busy. Plus, my mom flew in from Hawaii on Wednesday to be with us, too. And my work is trying hard not to panic that I will be gone for a whole week (while I tried not to panic in scurrying to make sure all the files were as complete as possible for my absence). Perhaps my absence will let the brokers see how very much I do for them!

Then, I got a call from J, my current scene partner in acting class, that I should try out for the role of Susie in the play Wit. So, I called the director...told him I couldn't be there for the first read through or the first week of rehearsals, couldn't rehearse on Tuesdays...oh, and my mom is out of town with my car right now so it's difficult for me to go anywhere. So, he and the AD came to my house, I did a cold read, confirmed my schedule and got the part! It will go up in back stage of Theater! Theater!

I haven't done a play in over two years! I've just done film, and I wasn't particularly wanting to focus on theater, but I'm actually excited to go back to it.

Well...'til next week. Take care.

Love,
Aislinn

The Naked Truth

I watched a video for the first time tonight of a play I did nearly two years ago, called Pure Gold Baby. It's a play about strippers and I was nervous to see myself dance. Besides being critical about a few spots on my body, I felt relatively comfortable with how I appeared. My neck tends to jut out. If I would just hold my head high and elongate my neck, I could look quite stunning. I need to start paying closer attention to my posture.

I have a confusing relationship with my sexuality when comes to my acting. There are times when I have no boundaries and am able to openly revel in the joy and sensuality that sexuality (and intimacy) can bring. Sometimes I yearn for a juicy role where I can be sexy, desired. That's part of what attracts me to acting, the opportunity to become someone different and do things that I wouldn't normally do. Which is why I jumped at the chance to audition for PGB.

After the play, however, my relationship with my sexuality changed. It scares me sometimes. When I open myself up to it, I find that I later feel dirty or almost ashamed. I stood naked in front of a lot people, which takes away some of the sacredness of the naked, human body. At least, that's how I feel when I'm scared about it. That, and I also get afraid of the attention that it attracts.

There are other times where I have these deep yearnings and desires, usually stemming from intimate dreams, which sets the feeling and mind set of the whole day for me. And it doesn't take much for me in my dreams sometimes. Just the other morning I dreamt that a man (I knew him, but I won't name him here) was touching my legs. His hand slid down my slender calf to my foot and pulled off my high heal. As he did he was drawn to how cold my feet were. He pressed his warm, masculine hands against the ball and heal of my foot. So subtle, yet delicious. I woke up and wanted more. It stayed with me all day. And when I went to acting class that night, I wanted to play with my sexuality in the scene I'm working on. Alas, the other actor totally threw me off and my intimacy hid away. My security went out the window and with it my sexuality.

Anyhow, these were just some observations that I made after watching the PGB video tonight. In watching it, I didn't find myself sexy, but I felt sexy when I was doing it. So does that mean that all my attempts fall short, or that, as usual, I am being overly critical of myself?

Love,
Aislinn

Damn you, 7UP!

So...I've been struggling with my acting work lately. And aside from the personal torment that I put myself through, I saw an ad for 7UP on TV tonight and noticed an old classmate from PSU. E is a very sweet, very tiny woman, who was in nearly every acting class with me at PSU. She was a bit of a teacher's pet. This was evident from my first class, but became annoying (and disputed) in the final class that we had together. She was good. And the teacher knew how to direct her.

E directed me in a scene from The Blue Room. She wasn't a very affective director overall, but she knew how to work with us actors. Even after having worked closely with her, E and I could never quite mesh, even though we liked each other, and I soon found her to be my competition.

One summer I had the itch to get a production together to put up on the PSU student stage (a small black box with slim stadium seating). I spoke with my friend, who was the president of the student theater organization, and we decided to put our friend's play up (he's quite a succinct playwrite, I'm surprised he hasn't been discovered yet). So, long story short, the whole plan was for my friend to direct and me to act, but when it came time to schedule the initial readings, my friend switched the dates on me, I couldn't make it, so who did she have "sit in" for me? Yes, it was E. And once that happened, I knew it was over. My friend decided to give the role to E, and I got...to be the stage manager. The production fell through (I think because of karma) so all in all, it became a moot point. However, it stuck with me for a long time.

Seeing E on TV tonight was a bit of a let down for me. I mean, it's wonderful for her and I'm proud of her, I really am. But, once again, she's beaten me to it. Granted, it's not my goal to do commercials...but I would if I had the opportunity. She's obviously pursuing it more than I am.

So, why am I not pursuing it? Why am I not more committed to my acting? It scares me to be committed and yet it scares me that I'm not (at least at the level that I once thought I would be). And, just to clarify, what I mean by committed to my acting is not so much the work itself, but going out trying to find work (gigs).

Perhaps I can turn it into motivation, seeing E tonight. I went from shock at seeing her, to pain in my heart, to feeling down about myself...but that's not how I want the story to end...

Love,
Aislinn

I'm a quitter!

I'm trying to quit smoking. I fear, though, that it will be a lifelong struggle. I quit for two years about four years ago, but started back up shortly after 9/11 and an attempted break in to our house in the middle of the night. I was so shaken, I saw a half smoked cigarette of my (now) ex's and picked up like I was a fiend for heroin. Not that I know what that's like, but I know that they say that quitting cigarettes is harder than quitting heroin.

Since I've lived in Portland I've tried to quit at least four times. I quit in December for several months...I thought I'd finally kicked it. Then, my best friend moved up from California and that's our thing, smoking together. We'd even call each other when she live in CA and say, "Wanna go smoke?". Plus, I went to a bar and drank...which I quickly learned, I can not do if I'm trying not to smoke. I get one drink in me and I'm searching for a cigarette.

Anyhow, I'm on my 5th day of wearing the patch (which really does help me), but I smoked Fri, Sat and Sun (only a couple each day, but that basically starts the whole process over so I feel like I've started three days out in a row suffering like it was my first day). I haven't smoked today and I'm doing so-so, but I sure did want one after work.

It sucks. I want to kick it so bad, but it has such an awsome grasp on me. I've tried to be in the mentality that I know it's just the nicotine talking when I crave a smoke and just to let it pass, it's not what my body wants anymore, but the cravings are so strong.

Anyways, think good thoughts for me. I'm really trying.

Love,
Aislinn