The Naked Truth
I watched a video for the first time tonight of a play I did nearly two years ago, called Pure Gold Baby. It's a play about strippers and I was nervous to see myself dance. Besides being critical about a few spots on my body, I felt relatively comfortable with how I appeared. My neck tends to jut out. If I would just hold my head high and elongate my neck, I could look quite stunning. I need to start paying closer attention to my posture.
I have a confusing relationship with my sexuality when comes to my acting. There are times when I have no boundaries and am able to openly revel in the joy and sensuality that sexuality (and intimacy) can bring. Sometimes I yearn for a juicy role where I can be sexy, desired. That's part of what attracts me to acting, the opportunity to become someone different and do things that I wouldn't normally do. Which is why I jumped at the chance to audition for PGB.
After the play, however, my relationship with my sexuality changed. It scares me sometimes. When I open myself up to it, I find that I later feel dirty or almost ashamed. I stood naked in front of a lot people, which takes away some of the sacredness of the naked, human body. At least, that's how I feel when I'm scared about it. That, and I also get afraid of the attention that it attracts.
There are other times where I have these deep yearnings and desires, usually stemming from intimate dreams, which sets the feeling and mind set of the whole day for me. And it doesn't take much for me in my dreams sometimes. Just the other morning I dreamt that a man (I knew him, but I won't name him here) was touching my legs. His hand slid down my slender calf to my foot and pulled off my high heal. As he did he was drawn to how cold my feet were. He pressed his warm, masculine hands against the ball and heal of my foot. So subtle, yet delicious. I woke up and wanted more. It stayed with me all day. And when I went to acting class that night, I wanted to play with my sexuality in the scene I'm working on. Alas, the other actor totally threw me off and my intimacy hid away. My security went out the window and with it my sexuality.
Anyhow, these were just some observations that I made after watching the PGB video tonight. In watching it, I didn't find myself sexy, but I felt sexy when I was doing it. So does that mean that all my attempts fall short, or that, as usual, I am being overly critical of myself?
Love,
Aislinn
I have a confusing relationship with my sexuality when comes to my acting. There are times when I have no boundaries and am able to openly revel in the joy and sensuality that sexuality (and intimacy) can bring. Sometimes I yearn for a juicy role where I can be sexy, desired. That's part of what attracts me to acting, the opportunity to become someone different and do things that I wouldn't normally do. Which is why I jumped at the chance to audition for PGB.
After the play, however, my relationship with my sexuality changed. It scares me sometimes. When I open myself up to it, I find that I later feel dirty or almost ashamed. I stood naked in front of a lot people, which takes away some of the sacredness of the naked, human body. At least, that's how I feel when I'm scared about it. That, and I also get afraid of the attention that it attracts.
There are other times where I have these deep yearnings and desires, usually stemming from intimate dreams, which sets the feeling and mind set of the whole day for me. And it doesn't take much for me in my dreams sometimes. Just the other morning I dreamt that a man (I knew him, but I won't name him here) was touching my legs. His hand slid down my slender calf to my foot and pulled off my high heal. As he did he was drawn to how cold my feet were. He pressed his warm, masculine hands against the ball and heal of my foot. So subtle, yet delicious. I woke up and wanted more. It stayed with me all day. And when I went to acting class that night, I wanted to play with my sexuality in the scene I'm working on. Alas, the other actor totally threw me off and my intimacy hid away. My security went out the window and with it my sexuality.
Anyhow, these were just some observations that I made after watching the PGB video tonight. In watching it, I didn't find myself sexy, but I felt sexy when I was doing it. So does that mean that all my attempts fall short, or that, as usual, I am being overly critical of myself?
Love,
Aislinn
posted by Aislinn at
12:01 AM
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