The "best" friend

I need to know if this is just me or if this is a common experience for others as well, particularly women.

My fiance has a friend named...lets call him...well, it really doesn't matter. This "friend" is a flake. He makes plans and doesn't keep them. He promises things (literally gives his word) and doesn't follow through. My fiance is frustrated with him, but it doesn't seem to matter how frustrated he gets, he will always defend this friend and let him get away with it. Now, if I try to step in and voice my opinion, I get slammed for it. Suddenly I'm the "bad" guy because...well, that's what I don't get. Why am I the bad guy? I'm the one who will always be there for him. I'm the one who will love and accept him for the rest of our lives. But his friend.... He treats him like shit and I'm in the wrong if I say something about it.

You know, I told myself that I wouldn't write about my troubles in my relationship here, but I need to vent. Part of me wants to apologize for this and yet I also feel that I created this blog for me to express myself.

Anyhow, I'm obviously frustrated. A man asks a woman to spend the rest of her life with him, to create a family and be there for him through everything...even during times that she may not want to be there. But, she better not stand up for him when his "best" friend treats him like shit, because then it's all about her and she shouldn't even open her mouth about it.

It doesn't make sense to me. Is it just "the way that it is" when it comes to men and their friends? 'Cause I don't know if I like that.

Perhaps, just maybe, someone can give me some insight.

Love,
Aislinn

The Rebel

I find myself more and more, lately, in the position of the rebel. What I mean by rebel is different, most likely, than what is generally thought of. In my vision of it, the rebel is one who stands for their truth. It is not that they are rebelling against society, it is that they are standing in their own power, so aware and comfortable of who they are that society's beliefs, rules, etc. just simply do not unroot them. And that is a threat to most people. The common saying that what people don't understand, scares them...well, people are scared of the rebel because they don't understand it. The rebel is not "imprisoned" by society's ways. I'm not saying that society's ways are all bad (and I realize that that is quite a general statement), but many people don't know how to be themselves...they look to society to tell them...constantly seeking outside sources to give them validation or approval or tell them what is "right" or "wrong".

The Zen Master Osho states, "The masses don't want to be disturbed, even though they may be in misery; they are in misery, but they are accustomed to the misery. And anybody who is not miserable looks like a stranger." The rebel has the courage to be responsible for itself and to live it's truth, thus it is an upsetting force.

I've been in the position, lately, of the rebel. Even though people may not be comfortable with what I have to say, it is simply me speaking my truth. It is not me trying to be brash (and I do have to be responsible for how I communicate), it is me trying to stand in my power. And power can be very gentle, mind you. This is a foreign place for me, however. I worry that speaking my truth out of true concern, care and compassion will cause some people to react negatively to me. But, it is not my responsibility how other people choose to react.

This is a difficult lesson that may take some time to be comfortable with, but the rebel is growing stronger in me.

Love,
Aislinn

Going Solo

I'm spending the weekend alone. Neil is out of town. It's quiet and nice. I can do whatever I please and I find that there is just so much I want to do! I thought I would have a chance to completely relax and let down, but I've kept myself quite busy with house chores, grocery shopping, washing my car, fixing food.

I did, however, get a chance to veg in front of the TV last night. I rented the first two volumes of the new HBO show Rome. The story line is quite similar to one of my favorite books, Caesar's Women, by Colleen McCollough (as it should be for it is history). I have quite an affinity for ancient Rome and, in particular, for Gaius Julius Caesar. I think I was a lover of Caeser's in a past life...perhaps I was Servilia. He loved Servilia, but was not married to her, and eventually felt forced to abandoned her to keep his politically advantageous marriage in tact (Servilia's son was the famous Brutus). It could explain my abandonment issues...

I don't know the real reason, but I have long been deeply intrigued by Julius Caesar. I didn't feel that the actor who plays him in Rome was a good fit, appearance wise. As far as I know, the Julii family were blondes, but the TV series made them very dark. I also don't feel that the actor possess the subtle yet unbreakable power of Caesar, nor the charm, that has been so greatly spoken of. The actor was subtle, but not powerful.

I look forward to seeing young Octavian, Caesar's great-nephew, grow to be a powerful and handsome man (he is Caesar's future successor). The young actor who plays him already, in my opinion, possesses more power and charm than does the actor who plays Caesar.

I wish I had HBO so I didn't have to wait for the 2nd season to film, play, then wait even longer for the DVD's to come out. Even though I wasn't completely thrilled by Rome, it is still fulfilling to my soul to see someone create what has long just been images in my mind.

My best friend, her husband and my god sons are coming over shortly to go for a walk by the river with me. Hopefully, we'll also go get some sushi, too. I'm craving it. Sushi and saki...Japanese food. One of my favorite things.

A bit of random commentary today.

Love,
Aislinn

Wit has closed

Wit closed last night to a pretty good crowd. We got a standing ovation. Only our second of the run. It was nice to end with that.

My dad and step mom were in the audience, which was big for me. They drove up from Bend just to see the show. This is the first play I've done in years that they could come to...and by that I mean that I'd allow them to. Before I was either in my underwear or completely naked on stage. I think it was good for my parents to get out, too. They don't make it out often to any type of event and they certainly don't go to live theater. They were very impressed with production..."captivated", my dad said, which has been a reoccuring comment about the show.

It was sad to have the run end, as it usually is, but I'm looking forward to the next project...whatever it may be! I've been contacting some theaters/production companies who say they will keep me in mind for future auditions. We shall see. Usually, I just sort of stumble into something. The Universe takes care of me in that way.

I now look forward to getting some much needed rest and relaxation and working on some projects I had to put off. I'm still studying to get my real estate license and I have even touched the books for over a month. Plus, I really want to start reading some plays. I've always tried to do that, but rarely even make it through one play (except for when reading for acting class). Speaking of acting class, I think I'm going to take September off as well. My mom is visiting and she's asked me to help her teach several spiritual classes/workshops and it will take up a lot of my time. I can't cram too much into my life, no matter how good or beneficial it might be. If I do I get stretched too thin and have anxiety issues. So, I'm trying to be smart and plan my time more wisely.

Love,
Aislinn

The Tao of Aislinn

I feel that I have so much to express and yet no words to make sense of it. But, I'll try:

It's been a hectic week and it's only Tuesday.

I'm drowning in my thoughts. I'm trying to get out of my head, to stop intellectualizing everything, but...it's very difficult.

The pace of the world is quickening. I'm tired of trying to keep up. Be the Buddha in the center of the chaos.

Manifest what it is you want. Fear will only block the process. But don't be attached to your desires.

Don't take responsibility for other people's feelings, actions and reactions. Know what is yours and what is not yours. Stand in your power.

Why are people so unaware? So unawake? So unconscious? So disconnected? It's a very difficult time to be a human being. But be a stand for you want in this world.

Don't give up when the going gets rough. Release your attachments and expectations. Create what you want.

It's easier said than done.

Love,
Aislinn

Reviews: paying off

So, the small review and pick for "highly recommended" by the Willamette Week helped to bring in more people to the play. Last Friday night we had our biggest and best audience yet. What a difference a large audience makes! I had to be careful not get disconnected by the energy in the theater...we were pumped! Which is great because apparently the reviewer for the Portland Murcury was there that night, and if you haven't see the huge review in the current issue then you're either blind or just haven't picked it up yet. Wow.

So a woman came to the show last night and sat two seats away from Neil. She started to read the program, in which I thank Neil, and she looked over at him and said, "you're the fiance." Then, my mom came in, whom I also thank in the program, and sat between Neil and this woman and the woman looked at her and said, "and your the mom." No one had introduced themselves, she just knew. My mom got a kick out of that. The woman read the reviews in the WW and the Murcury and decided to come. So, the reviews are starting to pay off.

What an amazing feeling to be so recognized for your work. I am so grateful. And a bit overwhelmed.

Theater is addicting. I want more! I need more! It makes me feel so alive!

Love,
Aislinn

Agent

For the past couple of years I've been teeter tottering on whether to get an agent or not. I did attempt to connect with Jeffery when he was at Ryan Artists, but after several emails he suddenly told me that he had too many clients for the summer and would call me when things calmed down. Of course, by that time, he was gone. I tried not to take it personal at the time. You know, make some story up that he didn't sign me because I wasn't good enough. He'd never seen me work, how would he know? That frustrated me, too, though. He didn't know and he didn't try to know.

Then, in talking with Neal, my acting coach, more recently, I determined that commercial work was not my acting goal and decided to forgo an agent. Yet, there's still that part of me that feels that I'll be considered a "serious" actor if I have an agent. And then there's that part of me that says, fuck getting an agent...you don't need an agent to be a "serious" actor (whatever serious means in this case). But the real fact of the matter is I just want to know what's going on.

One of the actors in Wit is represented by Damon at Actors in Action and he really recommends him. Says that he informs him when anything comes up: film, television, commercials, even theater. So, now I'm shifting my thoughts towards getting an agent again. I haven't always heard great things about Damon, though. Particularly, that he signed anyone and everyone and it was felt that not enough attention was paid to individuals and finding roles that the actor was an actual fit for. To each their own. My take on it, now, is that I just want to be informed when auditions are occurring and for what, because I don't feel like I have a good source for that right now.

It's stewing. Lately I've had to let things stew for a little while before the answer emerges. We shall see...

Love,
Aislinn