Real Estate is not Real Easy

I finally sat down and studied some real estate tonight. Actually, I took an 83 question practice test and then the 83 question scored test. I got a 99%. And that was just unit 1 of a 14 unit section...and there are 7 sections. Now my brain is tired.

This is why I haven't gotten very far in my studies. It's a pain in the ass. But, I'm determined to get this done. If I can really buckle down, and it will take some arm twisting, then I should be able to power through the studying relatively quickly and move on to taking and passing the state and national tests. I know people who have studied all of the material in one weekend then taken the tests and passed, so I can't really make too many excuses. It's just that darn block that I have to it, whatever it is.

Anyways, I feel good that I finally got the ball rolling again...now I just have to get off work 2 hours early every day, like I did today. It helps not be so drained when you sit down in front of the computer when you get home.

Love,
Aislinn

The Dawn of the MP3 Player

I'm downloading music onto our first MP3 player...well, it's actually Neil's, but I'm downloading the music. He got it for Christmas so he could work out with it. I remember when I got my car stereo about three years ago that I almost got a CD player that could also play MP3 players, but decided against it. What did I need an MP3 player for? Now getting an MP3 player three years later, I feel nearly old fashioned...especially with all the technology that's available today.

And even though we just got our first device, I'm only now starting to play with it, a month after Christmas. Neil is in the Chamber Choir at PCC and they are singing Seasons of Love from Rent and he needed to have the song to listen to over and over so he could learn the male solo part. So, having the CD, I put the song on his MP3 player. Genius!

And I love that I'm putting some great classics on such a modern device: Creedence Clearwater Revival, Paul Simon, Steppenwolf. I don't know why that tickles me, but it does. Oh technology!

Love,
Aislinn

My kids

I got a call from my eldest godson yesterday. Come on, Aunty, he said. Hurry! He's 3. His mom told him we were coming over and he was getting impatient. Where's Buzz Years, he asked. Neil is Buzz Light Year, from Toy Story, to him. Although, just yesterday he shortened it to Buzz.

Spending time with my godsons makes me want to have children. And even more so when I see how good Neil is with them...and how much they love him. Neil will be a great dad and I look forward to having children with him. We're getting married this year and that brings the thought of kids closer to being a reality. Yet, that thought scares the crap out of me. I think I will be a wonderful mom, so it's not that that scares me. It makes me evaluate my life...go through a sort of mental checklist to see if I've "done enough" in my life before I "settle down."

There is certainly that part of me that wants to wait at least a couple more years...and in those years, I tell myself, I should give my all to my aspirations to act and write. You know, give myself a chance to "make it" before the chance is lost when children come into the picture. I know that in reality kids won't stop me from pursuing acting and writing, but the fear is that it will. That my chances will be gone once I'm responsible for someone else's life.

It's a struggle that many face, I'm sure. I really should take this time to heavily pursue my acting, yet there is a block. There are so many other things in my life right now that take up so much time...but I think I use that as an excuse. I'd also like to get my masters before I have kids...and that would have to come after I get my real estate license. It's hard not to get overwhelmed when trying to figure out what to do with your life. I trust that the universe will guide me...but that's easier said than done.

If I can help it, my godsons will have to be my only children for awhile, and what beautiful kids they are.

Love,
Aislinn

Lazy Day...Sort Of

I'm finding it harder and harder to be lazy. That is a good thing, of course, but it's difficult to get myself to relax. I certainly want my life to be full but I need to have some down time as well. However, I can't just sit and watch television all night, vegging out and "unwinding". I wouldn't mind reading more, but it's difficult to find something that keeps my interest...my mind will start to wander. Even writing is difficult to put my energy in to because I'm just not really inspired to write about anything right now. I crave projects...I can veg in front of the TV if I have something to do...

I don't know why I'm writing this. I guess its because I sat down to write because I'm bored but I don't know what to write about. I mean, there are certainly things in my head that I mull over, but they don't strike me as things that someone else would really care to read about or I don't want to share them. There are certainly other things that I could be doing right now, such as cleaning, but I said I would give myself a day to do nothing so I could rest up...but, of course, I'm having a difficult time with that.

Perhaps I'll take a bath.

Love,
Aislinn

Reflections on Wit

I was thinking about Wit last night, the play I did last summer. I recalled that my mom told me about a woman who had sat next to her and Neil. She had decided to come to the show after reading the reviews in the Willamette Week and the Mercury. She asked if they were there for me...she had figured that they were because Neil brought flowers and she knew from the picture in the Mercury that the two female cast members were quite different in age...and assumed that a young man wouldn't be there for the elder of the two! My mom said that after the show, the woman asked her to let me know that I did a wonderful job.

So, in my mind, I started to watch myself on stage, as if I were that woman sitting next to my family. Did I support the positive review of me in the Murc? What was so great about my performance? I had to stop myself from thinking that way during the show because it would have been destructive. The reviews, while great, were nerve wracking because they were something I felt I had to live up to. I had to be diligent to not let it affect my work.

The play was so well liked and that amazed me, in a sense, because somewhere along the line it felt like we were cheating - it was so easy! By easy I mean that we only rehearsed for three weeks (well, four, but I was gone for the first week of rehearsal) and the director didn't really direct us very much. And that made me think. Did it feel like we weren't directed because he was really good at making it seem like he wasn't directing? Was it because the cast was pretty experienced and we made a good ensemble? Which would be funny because off stage we weren't a very tight group. Anyhow, the whole thing, with all it's intensity and depth, just seemed to come together so easily, and I don't know what to attribute that to.

When I worked on Pure Gold Baby, we rehearsed for four months, nearly seven nights a week and sometimes all day during the weekends, and it was exhausting trying to get that show together. It was also a brand new show, so there were a lot of kinks to work out. The final scene was constantly being re-worked. Plus, we wore 6" stripper shoes through out the entire play, which is quite the workout (my legs and butt looked great!). I was so tired after doing that show that I stayed away from theater for about a year and half, until I got the part in Wit (though I did have roles in a few local short films).

Wit was such a joy that I was excited for more theater. I don't have any theater plans in the horizon, but Neal Corl has asked me to be in a short film that he's shooting next month. I'm looking forward to it. I really enjoy the medium of film, though it's something that I need much more experience with, so I'm grateful for the opportunity to work and learn.

Love,
Aislinn

Here Comes the Doubt

So I opened up the first part of my memoir about the Sun Dance and meeting Neil the other night. Whoa. My writing seemed so juvenile. The structure of my sentences was horrendous. It was also Part I and I'm confident that my writing progressed the further I got into the story. It took a whole term to write as I was only writing three to four pages of it at time...hence the "parts". However, reading that first piece the other night was a bit disheartening and now the doubt is beginning to seep in.

Of course I edited Part I that night, but it needs much more work. I began to wonder if I should spend my time trying to edit and better what's already there or to just start fresh on something else. But there's the catch: I can't think of anything I want to write about right now.

One of my new year's resolutions is to write in my journal every day. I haven't made the same commitment to write outside of my journal (i.e. this blog or free writing) as often, so a lame generalization will have to suffice: I hope to write in my blog more regularly. The more I write, the more the creative juices will start to flow.

My other resolutions include being more present with my friends, not working myself to exhaustion and getting my real estate license. For some reason I have such a block to getting my license...I've been saying I was going to get it for about 5 years now. I have to buckle down and do it. I'm signed up with a school already and they only give you a year to complete the training. I have three months until my enrollment expires.

I'm trying to get a good rhythm going with working to achieve my resolutions before I get lazy or distracted or give up. We'll see how it goes. I won't be editing my Sun Dance essays tonight...or for a few more nights...not a good start! But I won't give up!

Love,
Ais

The Return

Well, I'm home from visiting my mom in Hawaii and I have to say that I think it was one of the best trips to Hawaii yet. The weather was fair; rainy where my mom lives but only a 30 minute drive to the sunny side. I'm a little tan, though I could have stood to brown up a little more. I was pretty pasty when I got there. And my mom was wonderful. She really let us do whatever we wanted and never tried to push any agenda. And given freedom, we ended up doing a lot, there wasn't a single day that we just relaxed around the house.

While there I grew quite excited for 2007. Neil and I have worked hard to plant some good seeds in 2006 and now I believe that we will reap what we have sown in the new year. And having some time away helped me to feel fresh and inspired to create some solidly good things in my life. I read a book while in Hawaii called Truth & Beauty by Ann Patchett. It's a true story about her friendship with the late author Lucy Grealy. While the story was about their friendship, it spoke a great deal about the extensive studying, teaching and fellowships the two endured to get published and it inspired me.

I have a short memoir about the Native American ceremony at which I met and fell for Neil. I wrote it in a writing workshop at PSU and I received quite positive feedback. I think I'm going to revisit it and see where it takes me...

Also in Hawaii, I had an important realization. There are several people in my mom's life who are so warm and friendly, always happy and able to stay positive and have good humor even in uncomfortable situations. I found myself wishing that I were like them. I wanted to be that warm person that you feel yummy around, who makes you feel nearly giddy after spending time with. But in wishing that, I was really able to see that it's simply not who I am. I think I'm finally getting to a place where I can say that I know who I am (you know, to a certain degree - I would hope that I continue to evolve). I'm not warm and bubbly, but that's alright. It was actually very comforting to be able to accept who I am and I look forward to appreciating myself more and more.

Well, it's good to be back. It's a very busy month for me but I feel refreshed and ready to take it on!

Love,
Aislinn