Neil's on the Cover!

Neil's on the front page of The Oregonian for his work! Check it out...

That's him on the left.

That's my love! What a great guy! Here's the link to the story:

http://www.oregonlive.com/news/oregonian/index.ssf?/base/news/11805029813900.xml&coll=7

Oh, Those Little Insecurities

I woke up with a lot on my mind this morning. Mostly about Neil, my fiance. He is a River Rescue Technician (their official term) for AMR (American Medical Response) this summer and I'm concerned about his conduct on the job. Neil is very fun-loving and upbeat, two qualities that I really love about him, but sometimes it can be over-bearing and taken the wrong way. He has already been knocked down from a full time position to part time because they didn't feel that he was taking the training seriously since he was "playing around so much". Neil says that he just laughs a lot as a way to deal with his insecurities, but he doesn't realize how disruptive it can be. Well, actually, he's realizing now.

At first I just tried to be supportive of Neil and his situation, I mean anyone would be upset about getting bumped from full time to part time (if they were expecting a full time position), for any reason. Now a few days later, I'm feeling a little frustrated and worried. They could have just let Neil go all together, and I'm sure that they are really watching his behavior. I'm not sure I trust that Neil can help himself sometimes. I've tried to talk to him about it before but he feels like I'm lecturing him or that I just can't handle how social he is. This is the beginning of, hopefully, a long career in the emergency medical services field and I don't want Neil to fuck it up. It affects my future, too!

I guess, in a way, it's a good lesson for me too. I also have a lot of insecurities and now I get the chance to see how disruptive they can be in your life. And when you really take a look at the whole picture, what I'm insecure about (or what Neil is insecure about), is so incredibly minuscule and vain and not at all worth the energy. So, this is good for me to see. I just hope that Neil and I can both learn our lessons from this quickly so we can move on and not have to repeat it.

I was also thinking about Dangerous Writing a lot this morning (well, in truth, it's still on my mind rather constantly). I felt like we did some good work last night but the night before didn't go so well for me. I think what's bugging me the most about it, though, is that I should have voiced what I was experiencing at the time, but there was a myriad of reasons why I didn't, the main one being that it was almost one in the morning and I was just straight up tired. I don't know how to write about it here without sounding cryptic, so I'm going to stop there.

I'm just feeling a little off this morning. I have to be at hair and makeup in an hour. It's going to be a long day, I hope I can have some fun with it.

Love,
Aislinn

Rooftop Films

La Devocion, a film I made probably three years ago, has been accepted into the Rooftop Films summer series in New York City. This is quite an accomplishment for this little film (I have spoken about it here a couple times). Here's what the Artistic Director for Rooftop Films had to say about it:

"It gives me great pleasure to tell you that Rooftop Films would like to screen "La Devocion" as part of the 2007 Summer Series. Personally, I was really blown away by the film. It's so raw and wild, and yet very insightful and well-thought-out. At first glance, the characters seem somewhat haphazard and cliché, but every scene builds a more and more rich understanding, and the characters constantly surprised me with nuanced ideas. The scene where the couple's argument devolves into pure repetition is a brilliant example: it's a formalist trick, a metaphoric reduction of the way couple's arguments spiral, but one could also sense that maybe they are aware of the repetition, and are actually just fucking with each other. In the end, I thought the story was rich, performances are intense and impassioned, and the filmmaking dynamic and exciting. Congratulations."

Pretty cool. I am very happy for the director, this has been a long journey for him.

Love,
Aislinn

It's Still With Me

Dangerous Writing is consuming me right now. It is constantly on my mind. And what I find so wonderful is that everyone that I have talked to (or read their blogs) who have been involved is so grateful. What an amazing feeling to be bonded with this very talented group of actors and crew members.

And I have to say that I have never appreciated the crew so much as I do now. Perhaps it's because I know most of them and it's the first time I've actually gotten to work with them in this capacity. I love to watch them with their craft. They are so incredibly focused (or at least it appears that way from my view) and very knowledgeable. Actually, I find it quite sexy.

At work I keep getting asked if I think there will be a premiere, or what the director plans on doing with the film. It's getting annoying, actually. I want to ask them to let me just enjoy the process of making a film and not project what I think the outcome will be. My response to them is that as an actor I don't worry myself with the outcome. I don't want to have expectations or attachments to what I want the end result to be, I can only focus on doing my work. I do it because I love it, not because I want a certain result for the film.

My job is very supportive, for which I am grateful. One woman offered to be my stylist, another asked if she could be my assistant to be able to go on set. They are serious, too. And my boss keeps referring to me as the company's movie star. It's flattering, yet a bit distracting at the same time. I feel like they're building me up and I don't want to let them down. That being said, I know it's their way of showing their support, too. I guess it's kind of like how the reviews for Wit made me feel; I felt a pressure to give a great "performance" so I wouldn't let anyone down who had read the reviews.

I don't mean to sound negative about any of that. It's part of what's making this process so meaningful, the fact that people care so much.

I'm really looking forward to filming this weekend.

Love,
Aislinn

Gotta Love It

It's 10:40 Tuesday morning and I'm sitting at work not wanting to focus. I don't have that much to do so I'm not in a rush to get things done. We filmed for Dangerous Writing all weekend and early this morning, and it's all I can think about. Though I'm tired, I feel better than I have for a long time.

The longer I wait between acting jobs, the more I realize how much it feeds my soul when I get back to work. I shouldn't wait so long. I am so grateful that Neal asked me to be in his film. My senses are waking back up, as is my appreciation for life. It is also more apparent than ever how much I need acting in my life. But, it's not just the "acting", it's the entire experience. Being on set, getting to know your castmates, watching the crew work...just being a part of it all coming to together. And in doing what I love I am breaking out of the monotony of my day to day life and routines. What a glorious feeling!

That's not to say that I don't appreciate my life and what fills it up (in fact, I think it makes me appreciate it more), it just lets me know that I need to create more space for acting. That sounds like such an obvious statement, but when you get stuck in routines and ways of being, it's easy to dismiss the fact that you're not doing what you love. Even if "doing what you love" means filming a blow job scene at 7 in the morning. See, you just gotta love it!

Love,
Aislinn

Private Parts

I am a very private person. Over the last few years I have become increasingly anti-social and I get very shy in public or when meeting new people. I don't put myself out there well, which is why I haven't had more acting work. Yet, I can stand naked on stage in front of a full audience. I can work on a film where the camera is focused only on me. Perhaps that's why I need the other areas of my life to be very private. It takes a lot out of me to be "on" and "out there" when working on a project.

Now, my fiance, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. He thrives being in the spot light...in EVERY aspect of his life. Quite frankly it drives me nuts. I know I will have to deal with it for the rest of our lives and that will be a struggle. He likes to be every one's hero. He needs people around him to validate him. Sometimes I feel that there aren't enough boundaries, but I trust him and it's his journey to figure out.

Yet the more "out there" that he gets, the more inward I want to go. This will be an interesting challenge in our marriage. There's that part of me that wonders why I'm not enough for him; why he has to get so much attention from other places. But I know that it's just who he is...he likes to know what's going on with everyone.

Admittedly, I am a jealous person when it comes to my man. I want him all to myself and that is not realistic. So what doesn't seem like a big deal to him is big to me, but I'm working on that. I do have a Leo moon, so my emotional side wants to be the center of attention. I just get my fix in more productive ways...but I still need to get my fix.

Speaking of fix, we begin shooting Dangerous Writing this weekend and I am quite excited. It is going to be a long weekend but I am thrilled to spend it with the talented people who are working on the film. To me, there is nothing like the feeling of being on set. What a lucky girl I am.

Love,
Aislinn

I Do

The minister for our wedding sent us our vows today. I'm sure she'll present them beautifully. Made me cry. I truly feel that they are perfect for us. We have a broad, eclectic spiritual faith and the vows don't weigh heavily on "god", nor are they vague or spirit-less. I really was very pleased. They are unlike any that I've heard before...that's definitely a plus!

I am so thrilled to have the minister that we have. She is one of my mom's oldest friends and I can remember her as far back as when I was giving aura readings and drawings at her Spiritual Awareness fair when I was nine. I'd like to think I knew what I was doing, I definitely trusted myself more back then, and she definitely trusted me. Her background is in astrology, clairvoyance, crystals and healing energies. I didn't tell my dad that, just that we had a wonderful minister who has her own church. He rolls his eyes at all those "woo woo" things. Which is another reason why I liked the vows so much, because they don't give a "woo woo" vibe - and even if they did, we'd still use them. It's just one less thing to worry about.

What a surreal experience, planning a wedding. What a surreal feeling to be "married".

To love!
Aislinn

The Present

I met with Neal Corl today to discuss Dangerous Writing, a film that we will be working on together at the end of this month and in June. It was very helpful. Neal asked me questions that I have failed to ask myself thus far. Just goes to show that I need to train myself more to ask questions (even though Neal has said that over and over again, I haven't been very diligent with it, obviously). I started to get frustrated with myself, but I am quickly letting it go so as not to block the work that I really need to do.

I am so used to "performing" with my acting. Training with Neal in the past, and working with him on projects, has really helped me to work from myself. And it is a continuous learning experience connecting to yourself. We go our wholes lives, perhaps, not knowing who we "truly" or "really" are as a human being. But what I have learned is that when I am present and connected, I have a pretty good idea of who am I in the moment. And I am also learning to not apologize or make excuses for who I am. Because who I am is where I base my exploration from. If you don't have that, where do you start, or how do you hold steady? That's what's helping me right now, anyways.

I'm feeling insecure with the first scene of the movie and you can bet that I'm going to use that in my work! That right there takes so much pressure off (to "perform"). And in lifting the pressure I trust that I can be present to the reality of the scene and explore from there.

This is exciting!

Love,
Aislinn

How do I get back?

I really need to deal with my insecurity/fear that no one cares about what I have to say. I had some problems with my computer/Internet and it gave me an excuse to take a break from my blog for awhile. The universe must have known that I needed a break as I wasn't able to log in for quite awhile. This is the first time I've tried in weeks and I got right in, go figure.

I really have had quite a lot going on. And on top of it I was in a bit of a funk, but I have emerged and am ready to be creative again. I'm not going to pressure myself to feel like I have to write here every day, but I want to utilize my blog as what I intended it for, just to write. To write for myself.

I am very cranial, as my boss told me today, and that gets in my way when it comes to being creative (i.e. writing and acting). When I was younger I was braver; I allowed myself to be however/whoever I wanted to be, and that was reflected in my writing and acting. I really feel that for awhile I was open to anything when it came to acting. Now I think about it too much. And I get scared. I'm scared of failing. But, I'm also afraid of succeeding. And when I wasn't afraid of all that, I did my best work. How do I get back to that?

I have to leave now to go see my grandma and it's going to take a while to get to her (she's a big part of "I really have had quite a lot going on" - perhaps I'll explain later).

Love,
Aislinn