Whirlwind

Life has been quite the whirlwind since we got back from our trip. I filmed four days in a row for Dangerous Writing (including one evening that went until 4:30 in the morning), beginning the day after returning home, then we had a wrap party on Thursday night and last night Neil sang the national anthem for the opening ceremonies of the Special Olympics Summer Games. Plus, on top of that, Neil and I found time to join a gym, shop for wedding rings and look at a house that we're hoping to move into when it's done being remodeled (my ex-step-uncle has a small house by The Grotto that he's fixing up).

Today, I have to go grocery shopping, buy a wedding present and go to a wedding reception this evening. Tomorrow, hopefully, I will be able to decompress a bit and get the house cleaned up and put the rest of our camping gear away (half of which is still sitting in our living room).

Having my schedule free up from filming will be a welcome event, but my heart is sad to be done. I worked hard and close with a lot of really great people on this project. I look up to Neal Corl, the director, and hope that one day I can be half as creative and intelligent as he is. I am so grateful to Nicola Corl, his wife, for taking time out of her busy schedule of being a mom to three children, a make up artist and a hair dresser, to make me so beautiful for the film. Getting back to my un-made-up self with my frizzy hair makes me feel quite frumpy! Dennis Brenhaug, our assistant director and one of the producers, was wonderfully attentive and protective of the actors. The night that we filmed at Voodoo Donuts in Old Town there was a man who walked right up to me as we were filming a scene and started putting his hands on me. Dennis was ready to kick the crap out of him. He said, "I don't care if you fuck up my shot, but don't fucking touch my actors." It was great. I didn't like the guy coming up to me, but I liked Dennis's response.

And, of course, the actors were the greatest joy for me to work with. Neal has a way of attracting really talented people. David Millstone, the main character, was always ready to work and well prepared. Joey Boyd has grown so much as an actor and he was perfect for his role. Andrew Dickson was always so at ease and available, which helped me to stay grounded.

There were so many other people that were wonderful to work with - that's sounds rather trite, but at the moment I don't know how else to describe it. I just hope that I get to work with everyone again.

I feel doubtful of the quality of some of my work. I have low confidence in my acting work as it is, but I'm learning to let go of that insecurity on set. After the fact is when I really start questioning it. I find that I'm trusting that if Neal is not getting what he wants then he'll tell me, or work me through it. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I know when I feel like I'm doing good work or not and try to adjust accordingly, but ultimately, in my opinion, I want to make sure the director is getting what he wants for his vision of the scene. I keep thinking that Neal is going to want to re-shoot some scenes but what I get so far is that he's happy with what he has. And that, I know, is a good thing.

Now, it's time to focus on the next big project, getting married!

Love,
Aislinn

Have a Giggle

The Great Outdoors

I have been quite distracted lately with preparing for a week-long trip into the woods. Neil and I are going to our yearly Native American ceremony (where we met) and it's a lot of work. Everyone says, have a great vacation!, and it gets a little annoying because though I'm taking vacation time, it's a week filled with a lot of energy (physical and emotional) and work (physical and emotional). But, I do get to be in the woods for a week.

Aside from the bears and cougars that roam through camp and the absolutely frigid nights (yes, it's June, but we're up in the Eastern/Central Oregon mountains), it's nice to be outside and away from telephones, computers and televisions. A hot shower and a real bathroom would be nice to have, but if ever there is a time for embracing your smelly, grungy self, this is it.

I've been pulling things together for the last couple of weeks, but last night was the first time that I actually started packing the clothes, towels, linens (we got an air mattress for Christmas...so excited to not have to sleep on the hard ground anymore!), sleeping bags, blankets, food, dishes, cookware, utensils, toiletries, water containers, ceremony regalia, tent, stove, propane, chairs, tables, coolers, tarps, ropes, flashlights, lanterns, dishwashing tub/rack, garbage bags, papertowels, toilet paper and first aid kit. I got a little stressed out. I'm leaving it up to Neil to pack the car.

On another note, we filmed a scene for Dangerous Writing Tuesday night and I felt good about it. I felt a lot more grounded than I had when previously filming. Our two week hiatus helped me to get back to myself. Some of the guys helping out were from the Panic shoot (the music video I was in for Quivah). They all remembered me and were happy to see me. It's always nice to be remembered.

Well, I most likely won't be able to write again before we leave tomorrow, so I'll be back in a little over a week!

Love,
Aislinn

Words of Widsom

You make a living by what you get.
You make a life by what you give.

- Ronald Reagan

Grateful for Grandma

My year of volunteering at a nursing home while I was a senior in high school came in handy yesterday. I visited my grandma in her nursing home in Mt. Angel and had to help her eat because her motor skills were quite slow and her hands too shaky to steadily guide food to her mouth. I didn't mind helping her, of course, but I wondered if she felt embarrassed that her young granddaughter had to feed her.

Though my grandma has always needed a man to support her, she is also used to doing things for herself. If you take away her ability to brush her own teeth or put on her own makeup she gets rather upset. The last time I visited her when she lived in Medford, shortly before they moved her closer to Portland (shortly before she almost died here), we took her to dinner and breakfast. For each meal she was completely color coordinated. Her clothes, her jacket, her makeup, her jewelry and the barrettes in her hair all matched.

Yesterday, she had on black sweat-type pants with a red stripe on the side and a pink and white striped shirt. Not an outfit she chose, I assure you. I went to get her a sweater and tried my hardest to find something that matched. Alas, a light purple piece was the best I could do. She didn't seem to notice and I'm sure that being color coordinated is actually a distant thought for her, at this point.

I think the most amazing thing about all this with my grandma is that I've never really been that close her, I took the obligated trips to visit her with my mom, but I've never felt closer to her than I do now, as she nears the end of her life. There's part of me that feels guilty about that, but there's also parts of me that doesn't want to let go of my resentment towards her that she was physically and emotionally abusive to my mom. That side of her is long gone, and I never got to actually see it, of course, but I resented her for it just the same.

Now, however, when I walk in and hug her and she says, "hi baby", I turn to mush. And it makes me sad that we didn't have that earlier. But I am so grateful to have it now.

Love,
Aislinn