The Registry

I had breakfast with a couple friends yesterday (my former room mate and her boyfriend). She is one of my bridesmaids and she expressed that she wants to go with me when I register for wedding gifts so she can run around and use the laser gun thing to scan the desired items. Unfortunately I already registered somewhere online. Her excitement over the registry ritual was so authentic, however, that I felt bad about not experiencing it with her. So, later in the day, while walking along NW 23rd, I spontaneously suggested that we go to the Pottery Barn and create a registry. She was quite happy at that suggestion and we spent a couple hours perusing and inspecting the nice, and pricey, items.

Why I bring this up is that my friends boyfriend brought something to my attention in the middle of one of the beautiful bedroom models. I picked up a lovely, red leather jewelry box and expressed my adoration for it. My friend immediately prepared to scan it and as I flipped it over to find the bar code I gasped at the hundred dollar price tag. I flipped the box back over and started to put it away but she wouldn't let me. That is when her boyfriend pointed out that I continually put a limit on my worth. That there are people out there that want to give me nice gifts, and from somewhere like the Pottery Barn, not, say, Target (not that there's a problem with Target, that's the other place I registered).

My argument was that if someone was going to spend a hundred dollars on a gift for me, then I would rather have something that I could really use or admire, not a jewelry box. My fifteen dollar one from Walmart works just fine. His response was that I need to stop cutting myself off from receiving what I want, not what I think I'm worth.

He is absolutely right. I find some thing that I like or want (not just material things) and I find reasons why I'm not worthy. I treat myself like, "who am I to receive something so nice?". You have to tell the universe what you want, and you have to act like you already have it (and deserve it). So, I scanned that jewelry box (though I later switched it for a smaller, more beautiful one with Mother of Pearl accents)...and I scanned a lot of other things that I normally wouldn't have allowed myself to. My friends had to keep pushing me but I really tried to open myself up to abundance and believe that, should anyone really get me these items, that I am worth it...that Neil and I's marriage and life together is worth it.

Geez, who knew that such a material act could bring such awareness to higher work? The universe works in unexpected ways!

Love,
Aislinn

Changes

All change is a miracle to contemplate. But it is a miracle that is taking place every instant.

- Henry David Thoreau

I have the above quote written on my mirror in my bedroom. It has been there for several years, since I read Thoreau in an English class at Portland State. I haven't been able to erase it yet. It has certainly blended in over the years, but at times, as I lay in bed, it catches my eye and I allow myself to contemplate change. I keep it up to remind me that change is neither good nor bad, it is something that is taking place, as Thoreau states, in every instant of our lives - whether we choose to pay attention to it or not.

I got the word this morning that at this time, my boss does not know whether any of us have a job. They are trying to figure out a way to keep us on, but that may include working part time or taking less money...or worrying that the brokers will produce enough business to be able to afford to pay extra for our services. I told my boss that I would rather have a clean break and just make the decision to be done. I think she was a little surprised by that, but she understands and supports it.

So, I think that in the next week or two I may choose to be out of a job. It's a scary thought, and an exciting one. A change to embrace. A chance to create what I want and trust that the universe will provide. I'm open!

I am going to take an online class through PCC on editing (as in writing). I love to write, but I've always been better on the technical side than the creative side. I'm just curious to know more about editing, it's something that I've always enjoyed doing, but never felt that I had the experience or training to back me up.

My mom's best friend, who lives just North of Seattle, just took an editing course as well. She's starting her own publishing company. I told my mom to put in a good word for me. You see, who knows what could open up for me!

To change...and all it's miracles!

Love,

Aislinn

Shifts

Well, I'm sitting at work more or less twiddling my thumbs. I was going to log on to my Proschools account and meagerly study for my real estate license but my account has expired. I've had nearly a year and half to get my license and I haven't made it through even one of the seven books. Neil keeps pushing me to get my license but I just don't want to. I don't want to be in real estate, why should I get my license in a career that I want to move on from?

My work is actually in the midst of a shift, though I'm not certain what that shift entails yet. The proposal is to lower the broker's fees, but if we do that then we have to cut staff. I actually wouldn't mind being laid off and collecting unemployment. I never thought I'd actually want to collect unemployment, but I've already paid into it, why shouldn't I give myself a month to take a break from the 9-5 world, perhaps even try to get an agent and see where that leads? I would have more time and energy to go audition. I get excited about it when I think of the things I could do. Then, I remind myself that I am probably the one employee that they wouldn't let go. I do too much here and a great many of our brokers are here just for my services - and they're not shy about letting everyone know that. But, who knows what the universe has in store for me.

One of my biggest lessons in this life is to trust that everything is perfect. Not what is seemingly perfect for me, or for you, but life just...is. There's no right time or wrong time. There's no good or bad. It just is. If we hold on to our attachments or expectations then we're not open to the endless abundance that the universe can provide. On the other side of that, however, you can't just sit back and wait for the universe to provide. You must take action to let it know what you want. Well, that's what I was trying to figure out in one of my more recent posts. If my job is going to be shifting, what do I want to do that will make me happy and pay the bills? I still can't answer that yet. And yes, I'm aware of my use of can't.

I'm focusing a lot on our wedding right now and it feels good. It's another area where I have to remind myself that there is no right time or wrong time. We got my wedding ring yesterday, that was uplifting. Yet another step closer! We're going to look at tuxedos tonight. It's three months away, so we still have plenty of time, but I know that it will go by without realizing it.

Life...what a trip. We take it way too seriously, and yet it's so hard not to.

Love,
Aislinn

Words of Wisdom

I learned that the reason for an an act of beauty is to create a mirror for yourself so that you can begin to know intimately who you are.

- Lynn V. Andrews

The Million Dollar Question

I was watching Office Space the other day and took a moment to ponder after the scene where they ask, if you had a million dollars, what would you do with it? That's how you find what you really want to do in your life. So, I started to think, if I had a ton of money and didn't have to worry about "making a living", what would I do with my life? Acting was the first answer. Traveling was the second and writing was third. But I've always known that acting is what I want to do. The problem is that I'm not willing to drop everything and hope that I "make it" and become a working actor. I'm willing to try to work up to it. And that is something that has made me question how committed I really am to my true love of acting. If I loved it that much, shouldn't I be willing to do whatever it takes to be a working actor? I don't think that the issue is my commitment to acting, but I do think there is something there to look in to.

I just had a conversation with my mom about how I feel like it's getting close to the time to transition out of real estate. It's what I'm good at and what I know, but it's not what I love doing. It's certainly not what I want my "career" to be. So, what do you want to do, she asked. Well, I just don't know. I mean I do, but I'm not willing to possibly go into debt trying to make it happen. And, I'm not willing to uproot myself and go to LA or NY. Actually, I'm not willing to uproot myself at all right now, for several reasons. So what do I want to do, here and now, that will pay the bills and make me happy? I'm actually really surprised that I can't answer that right now. But, of course, I am my biggest block. I become too reasonable, or analytical, instead of trusting that I can make money doing what I love.

I had a one night stand with a local actor several years back. We were friends before "the big night", but not so much afterwards. We're friendly when we see each other, but it's always a bit awkward. Last year, while I was working on Wit, I ran into him and he gushed about how he's a working actor now. While we've always been supportive of each other's work, I found that I was quite jealous of his new status in the Portland acting community (he's actually a relatively well-known and celebrated actor in Portland). Well, I saw him last Saturday at a wedding and he himself just got married. While talking to him and his wife I found that I kept wanting to work into the conversation that I just got done filming a feature film, but I never brought it up. They were more interested in the fact that I, too, was getting married this year. I then cut the conversation short and went to get a glass of wine, but my desire for him to know that I was still getting acting work was annoying me. I might not be a "working" actor, but I'm a good actor and people want to work with me. But why should I prove that to him? Isn't it myself that I need to convince?

I don't know where I'm going with all this. I wish I knew which direction to point my life. Things are fine the way that they are, but like I said, it's not what I want for the rest of my life. I think I'm going to take an editing class and perhaps a writing class that focuses on a certain genre and see if I can get my self inspired about writing again. I don't know where that will take me, but that's exactly why I want to do it.

And you know, I am a working actor; I just trade my work for the experience and all that wonderful set food.

Love,
Aislinn