One Year

One of my central beliefs in life is that everything happens for a reason. Being pregnant right now certainly has me wonder nearly every day what the meaning of the timing is. It is very tricky for me to not stress now about events that may occur in several months.

We went to Neil's paramedic program orientation tonight. The head of the Emergency Medical Services department told us to take a good look at our spouse because it's the last time that we'll get a good, long look at them for a year. Neil starts the program in January and it is rigorous, according to the program coordinators. I knew well before I was pregnant that I wouldn't see much of Neil during his year-long program, so that was no shock. The issue that comes to mind is that I'm due March 12 - which is the week before finals for Neil.

Surprisingly, I'm not too stressed out about it. I know the situation. I know what Neil needs to do. My mom will be here, as will a few of my good friends, so I'll have help. I worry about Neil. But, that's when I remind myself that it's happening for a reason.

What stresses me out is the financial situation that we may be in during that time. With neither Neil or I working when the baby comes, depending solely on Neil's financial aid, half of which is being eating up by tuition and books (he has ten required books and eight recommended), I worry nearly every day about how we will support ourselves. I know that I have to trust that everything will work out, but that is really hard for me right now. I don't know what our actual financial picture will look like in March, yet three months ahead I'm already stressed! This is when trusting that everything happens for a reason gets harder.

What keeps me faithful, however, is that it's only one more year and then Neil will have the tools to create a long career in the EMS field. One year is a snapshot in time. Yes, a whole hell of a lot will happen in that one year but right now it feels like, after it's over, we have the rest of our lives.

(Trying to) Keep the faith,
Aislinn

My Favorites

We recently received the photos that our good friend Dave Herbertson took at our wedding. He's not a "pro" but to say that photography is his hobby would be an understatement. I just want to share some of my favorites...

Haunted by Hurlyburly

I am still haunted by a scene I worked on with my acting coach when I first started scene study with him a few years ago. I was checking email today and listening to music and something took me back to it. We were working on a scene from Hurleyburley - a play that he seemed particularly fond of. I'm still disappointed with my work on it. At the time, I was really focused on it and struggling to not judge my work. I was too worried about not wanting to let my partner - who was ultimately my coach - down. One day I'll truly get that that's not what it's about, and I'll stun even myself with my work.

I remember so clearly one rehearsal in particular. I was finding things and I was excited about it. Then, my partner picked me up and put me on my back on the couch. It was a wonderfully impulsive move and it gave me so much - and I froze. Looking up at my coach, I was too afraid to do what I really wanted to do. I allowed myself to get disconnected and I still think about what I could have - even should have - done. I wish I could go back to that moment and play with it.

Just reminds me that I need to jump in with both feet; not put one foot in and keep one foot out for security. Which, of course, is what I do in life as well.

Love,
Aislinn

What's Missing?

Several days ago I watched a Charlie Rose interview with Russell Crowe, Denzel Washington, Ridley Scott and Brian Grazer about American Gangster. I wasn't thrilled with the film, so I wanted to hear what their insights were. I didn't walk away from the interview feeling much better, there was a lot of back patting (basically, neither Crowe nor Washington would have done the film if Ridley Scott were not on board). However, Russell Crowe made a statement that was so basic (presumably, in the world of acting anyways) but it had an "ah-ha" affect on me. When asked by Rose what intrigued him about Richie Roberts, Crowe responded that there was nothing on the page that intrigued him about the character; it was what was missing.

I'm sure I have heard so many times in my past acting class that when reading a script that it's important to pay attention to what is on the page, but also to look for what is not there - but I never disciplined myself to do so automatically.

Crowe went on to state that what intrigued him the most about Richie Roberts was how he figured out how to take down such a notorious man. It wasn't about all the things that he did know about Frank Lucas, it was about figuring out what he didn't know.

I wish I could go back and re-read then re-work scenes that I've done in acting class with a greater attention to what is on the page and to what is not. I have long felt that I need more practice reading scripts. Perhaps, if I find myself so inclined, I will pick a few up to work on.

Love,
Aislinn

A Bone to Pick

Neither Neil or I are very fond of bicycle riders right now. In light of the recent bicyclists who have been hit, the conduct that Neil and I have experienced of bicyclists in the last two days is frustrating and stupid. It would be frustrating even if there hadn't been any bicycle accidents recently, but I would think that bicyclists would have a heightened awareness (we certainly do). What we have experienced has been anything but.

Two nights ago Neil and I went to see American Gangster at the Lloyd Center. We were at a stop light on Grand waiting to turn right. Our light turned green and a bicyclist on the cross street ran his red light. He rode across four lanes of traffic when we had a green light. It's a good thing I was paying attention and didn't turn or I would have hit him - actually, he probably would have ridden into the side of my car. Neil decided to roll down the window and yell at the man that he had run a red light, and when he did, the man responded with a lovely "fuck you". He was not wearing a helmet, it was dark, he wore no reflectors and didn't have a single light on his bike and he ran a red light, across four lanes of traffic, and he's yelling fuck you at us? That pissed me off. Especially because you know that if he had gotten hit, he would be seen as the victim. Screw us automobiles and those who don't "see bicyclists" or don't "share the road". I mean, what gives?

Then, last night, on our second attempt to see American Gangster (it was sold out the first night), we were driving down SE 12th to the Lloyd Center and just before Hawthorne a bicyclist ran through a stop sign and rode right in front of us. Neil had enough time to react, but it didn't change the fact that it was dark and she didn't stop - she was a little too close for comfort. Then, after the movie, on the drive back, at the same cross street, another bicyclist blew through her stop sign and Neil actually had to hit the breaks relatively hard. Not only that, but she was gabbing away on her cell phone. It's dark, she runs a stop sign and she's talking on her cell. Again, what gives?

Now, I'm not a bicycle rider (besides the occasional recreational ride), so perhaps I can't empathize with them, but why the stupidity and disregard for traffic signs (that we automobiles have to obey) and complete disrespect when their poor riding choices are brought to their attention? It truly frustrates me. Neil and I are pretty aware when we drive, but if we hadn't been in the last couple of days (which, if you ask me, most drivers are not very aware), then we might have been in the news and there would have been yet another bicycle "victim." It takes two, people.

Pregnant and cranky,
Aislinn