Precious Moments

The most precious moments in my life come when I'm with my family. Neil came home from school today and laid down to take a nap. I joined him on the bed and soon our cat curled up next to me, her head on my leg. Lying there with my husband, my cat and our baby in my belly, I felt complete. I am so grateful for the beautiful beings that I am blessed to have in my life.

Love,
Aislinn

Boob/Jobs

A couple mornings ago I had a dream that I had gotten a boob job. Never previously having an interest in having breast enhancement surgery, I was surprised to find how sexy I felt. Also in my dream, I had already had my baby and I had slimmed and shaped my body into a sexy figure and the large breasts were the final piece. It felt good to be a mom and be so sexy. I think the message of the dream is you can have a life after having a baby. Just because I'll be a mom doesn't mean I'm going to be forever frumpy (nor does it mean that I'll be a bad mom if I focus on being and feeling attractive). Plus, I know that it will be important to continue to pursue what I really want to be doing, which is writing, editing and acting. I want to be a stay at home mom, but I mean that in the sense that I still want my work, with the flexibility of doing most of it from home (the writing and editing, anyhow). I want to be present in my son's life. I absolutely do not want to put him in someone's care while I work away from home all day. But, I also need to know that if something that I love doing comes up, then I have the ability/flexibility to leave him in my mom's care to fulfill my needs as well - and that it's okay to do so.

A large contributor to my fears of becoming a mother is being responsible to this being for the rest of my life (a normal fear, I'm sure). But, that doesn't mean that I have to lose my responsibility to myself. The message of the dream is important to me in that sense.

Love,
Aislinn

Not Yet

Well, no baby yet. I did have a small concern come up and they sent me to labor and delivery to get checked out. I knew everything was fine, but this stage is so cautionary. I was sent home, of course, but I got to experience being hooked up to all the monitors and being felt up by a complete stranger. It was actually a good experience on the whole as it took a lot of the unknowns out of the delivery room for me. And our nurse was very patient and helpful and she answered a lot of questions for us.

Now that my mom is here, I've been more active than I have been throughout my whole pregnancy. She's very helpful around the house - though it was really hard for me to relinquish control over how I like things to be done. She insists that I don't help her with cleaning and cooking, but then she'll set me up with a set of exercises that tire my already aching bones. I know she knows what she's doing, but if I'm going to be active, I'd rather be cleaning my house the way I'm used to. Admittedly, however, cleaning is more draining on my body as a whole then the exercises she has me doing. Whenever I vacuum - as simple of an action as it may seem - I feel like I'm going to go into labor...hmmmm, I'll have to keep that in mind.

So, I don't expect the baby to come real soon, though I definitely don't think that it will be too long, and certainly before his due date. Of course, that could only be wishful thinking, but my gut feeling is that he's ready to come sooner. He's getting into position, that much is clear.

Love, Aislinn

Dilating!

I have started to dilate, which means that I could go into labor at any time. I'm 36 weeks, and while 38 weeks would be preferable to 36, my doctor said that if I went into labor, they wouldn't try to stop me. I've only dilated to 1 cm, so I'm hoping that if I can do a self-imposed bed rest, then the baby will wait a couple more weeks. I still have some things that I want to complete around the house, but once I feel that things are taken care of, I'm going to try to take it easy.

Going to Pat's memorial service this weekend took a lot out of me, physically and emotionally, and I began to feel...different. That's a vague statement, but I could tell that something was different - both with the baby and with my body. Before my doctor's appointment today, as I was deep cleaning the bathroom (nesting), I kept thinking, it's going to be soon.

My doctor said to go home, pack my hospital bag and get the car seat ready. On the way home I vacuumed my car out and detailed the interior to make sure everything is clean and ready. Neil set up the stroller and car seat; I packed my bag and a bag of baby items. I also paid a few bills to make sure they're covered and called a few family members to warn them that Riley might be coming soon. My mom arrives from Hawaii in two days and she's nervous that I'll go into labor before she gets here.

Now we just wait. Either we get all excited and nothing happens for a couple weeks, or the baby comes tomorrow. Right now, I'm going to take a bath and try to relax.

Love,
Aislinn

RIP

Neil's best friend passed away yesterday morning. He had been in the hospital in Central Oregon for a couple weeks and was actually looking well enough to go home in a few days. There were still some major concerns regarding an esophageal hernia that had plagued him since early last year (he went into surgery four times in the last two weeks) and his doctors were beginning to consult with OHSU. Until they figured out a better solution, they felt that he was well enough to go home. Then, things went south yesterday morning and he passed pretty quickly. Though we knew the situation with his esophagus was not good, it was still a shock that he died so quickly.

Pat Daly was a hero to Neil. He took him in when Neil had nowhere to go after moving up to Oregon from California to create a new life for himself. (Really, Neil's story seems fictional - something you would see made into a Hallmark film. I even began to write a screenplay about it when I took a screenwriting class in college, but only made it through the first act.) Pat was a well-known cowboy in Central Oregon; a bronc riding champ in his younger years. A constant presence on the rodeo circuit. In his later years he owned the Crooked River Dinner Train, which runs between Redmond and Prineville. This is where he put Neil to work as a server/performer then later as the office manager - before Pat sold it to the City of Prineville in 2005. And, if locals don't know Pat's name through the rodeo or the train, then they know of the Daly name through his brother, who has been the county commissioner since 2001.

Pat and I didn't care much for each other at first. I didn't feel that his constant drinking was good for Neil to be around. Plus, he had insulted my mom a few times. He was a cowboy who didn't believe in the "fru fru" spiritual things that my mom did, even though he practiced some of the Native American principals that his daughter (who is a good friend of my mom's) introduced him to. And thank goodness he did, because he brought Neil to a very important ceremony and that's where he and I met and fell in love. But even though he respected the Native American path, there were still aspects that he didn't understand or agree with - so he looked at it as, you take some, you leave some. I was fine with that. It was his rude comments or disrespectful actions, primarily when he was drinking, that I wouldn't put up with. You don't have to agree with my spirituality, but don't disrespect it, or my mom.

I don't know what it was about me that Pat had an aversion to. Perhaps it was just that I threatened to take his best friend away. Someone who was like his son. He tried to convince Neil not to propose to me. But, Neil did and soon moved to Portland to live with me. He felt like he was abandoning Pat, who was getting older and did best when he had a helping hand, especially with all his horses. I didn't feel bad for Pat, not one bit. Knowing Neil's past, I felt that Pat was irresponsible with his actions and that it was best for Neil to have some separation from him.

A couple years after Neil moved to Portland, we went to a vision quest camp on Pat's property along the Deschutes River, outside of Redmond. Neil had just been nationally certified as an EMT and he brought his framed certificate to share his accomplishment with everyone. When Pat came down and Neil placed that certificate in his hands, Pat was very pleased. I think a part of him had expected Neil to fail in Portland and come running back to Central Oregon. After congratulating Neil, Pat asked me to step aside with him and told me that he gave me a lot of credit for helping Neil to achieve a great accomplishment. He said that I was a very strong woman for putting up with Neil and keeping him in line to succeed and that he really respected me for that. His words made me cry. It was a long two years and Neil and I had many struggles. Plus, I never felt respected by Pat so it meant a lot for him to acknowledge me in that way. We hugged and made good. Pat was Neil's best man at our wedding.

Pat stopped drinking after his first surgery on his esophagus. Every time we saw him after that, he was clear and bright and really enjoyable to be with. He went into the hospital a couple weeks ago with pneumonia, which they soon found was caused by a tear in the esophagus again. Neil sat in the hospital for three days, waiting to see Pat and trying to support his family. One of Pat's daughters (not one that we're close to) refused to let Neil into the ICU. As with many families when someone is seriously ill or close to death, there was a lot of drama going on and Neil was sucked into it. But, he still showed up and waited. Finally, on the third day, she let Neil in. Pat was pretty out of it, but he squeezed Neil's hand and acknowledged that he was there.

I am so glad that Neil got that very brief opportunity to see and touch Pat. I really don't think that anyone thought that he would die so soon.

I can honestly say that I was honored to know Pat. He had a fascinating life. And, in the end, if it weren't for Pat, Neil and I may never have met. Plus, he did, aside from a few poor decisions, help Neil to create a better life for himself. And for that, I am forever grateful.

Love,
Aislinn