I Really Am Good

Leah, my friend that I ran into the other night, sent me a link to her blog. She has posted many pictures of her and her new baby and her family. It was so lovely to see her first born all grown up and I had never seen her second born. What struck me, however, was that she had posted the photos in the first place. I am reluctant to post pictures of Riley because he is sacred to me and I don't want to plaster him all over the Internet. This is in no way a negative judgment of Leah, but a chance for me to reflect on myself. Somewhere along the lines I became pretty closed off. A friend of mine came over last night and we gave each other a huge hug and she asked how I was doing. I told her I was doing really good and I had to check myself after I said it. I really did feel good, so why did I question it? Have I become so removed and jaded (am I really?) that I think I'm supposed to exist in a world where something is always amiss? I really don't know where this reluctance to trust that I have a great life comes from. And why wouldn't I want to share this great life with everyone?

It puzzles me. And it saddens me a little, because I used to be really outgoing. When I check in, though, there is a part of me that is fine with being so private. It's just where I'm at right now. But, I can feel something stirring deep down inside that wants to come back out. Like a child that hasn't been allowed to play for a long time. I think having Riley will help me to come out of my shell again. Neil wants him to be around other children and wants me to stop being so anti-social. It's going to take a conscious effort, and a little forcing, but I want that too.

Love,
Aislinn