The time has come

We're heading back to Portland tomorrow and I'm a little blah about it. I've seen a lot of people here but I didn't get to take Riley out into the wilderness. I feel like I need another week to do so, with the abundance of and easy access to recreation areas here. I'll be back in a week, but the nice weather can easily turn by then. I'll be back for our one year wedding anniversary. Neil has to work the actual day of our anniversary and it would be easy to just stay in Portland, but I don't want to shrug off an important event. This year has been so full and convoluted that many other important dates and events in our lives have been overlooked. So, we're going to try to do something important the next day; hopefully stay in a suite at Brasada Ranch, where we had our ceremony. My mom is going to come down, too, to watch the baby so we can go to dinner. She really wants to honor us in that way. I am grateful.

I'm also sad because it means the start of rarely seeing Neil. He's coming back to Portland tomorrow to work a shift at AMR, but heading back the next day. And, even though I'll be back in a week, it's just a reminder that afterwards I won't be down again for awhile. I know I can come back anytime I want, but for the rest of October I have two birthday parties, a wedding reception and Riley's already-paid-for gymnastics that I need to stick around for.

I know that it's good to have my space, and that distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that wonderful stuff, but Neil and I really enjoy being together. We are a strong unit and proud of it. Plus, it's important for the baby to be around his dad. That's obvious, but when he hasn't seen Neil even for one day he lights up when he comes home. It's so beautiful to see the awe that washes over his face when he sees his dad. We'll just do the best that we can.

I pick my dad up from the airport tonight and I'm apprehensive about talking to him about my step-mom. But, I also realized this morning that I'm taking it so seriously and maybe it doesn't have to be such a huge deal. I can create a positive conversation about it and that's what I have to keep in mind. Although, just writing positive made me pause. It's not really positive, the situation, and I'm not sure I can make a conversation based on whole hearted concern fluffy and happy. I could if I wanted to take away the gravity of the truth, but the point is to stop pussy-footing around and make sure my dad knows the reality of what's going on. It's hard to write about this and be allusive to the situation, but I won't air family problems here. Perhaps I shouldn't even be sharing what I have, but it's helping me to sort my thoughts and how I feel about it.

Well, it's a beautiful day out there and I hope to take advantage of it while I can. We're going to the firehouse later. I hope Neil doesn't go out on a call before we get there!

Love,
Aislinn

The week so far

The three most common comments about Riley this week have been: he's such a happy baby, he's such a quiet baby and he's such a good-natured baby. I am blessed to have such a sweet baby. He's done very well this week as it's been full of lots of new places and faces.

My cousin and his fiance came over Monday night and we had a really good visit. I had my doubts if he would ever settle down and his fiance is wonderful. I hope to stay in better touch with them and will make an effort to visit them when I come to Bend.

Tuesday we had lunch with my ex-boyfriend's parents. The ex didn't come, but it was so nice to see his parents. I also worked for his mom for four years - Norma is a realtor and I was her marketing coordinator. We met up with her at her office so I also got to see a couple of the ladies that I used to work with. The only awkward moment came at the restaurant when I handed the baby over to Norma and someone at the table behind her, who knew her, asked if it was her grandchild. She fumbled to explain that I used to work for her. It was easier, I'm sure, than explaining that I was her son's ex-girlfriend that she wanted him to marry. I easily could have given her a grandchild, that is if her son weren't infertile from smoking so much pot. Ooh, jab. Sorry. But, it really was so nice to catch up with Norma and Bill.

Today I had lunch with my ex-step-dad. He's remained very supportive of me and I sense that Riley feels a bit like a grandson to him. He's been pretty good about trying to connect with me when he comes to Portland so it was nice to have the time to connect with him here.

I also got to see two of my nieces this evening. I have to step-sisters who I'm not close with at all, one of which I have not seen or spoken to in nearly ten years. But, her two daughters, who live with their dad and step-mom, have remained in our lives. I haven't seen them since my wedding - the youngest was my flower girl and the eldest was a junior bridesmaid. They are growing so fast and I feel bad that I haven't stayed in touch better. The eldest has a freshman volleyball game tomorrow that I hope to make it to.

Visiting with their dad and step-mom tonight shed some light on some family issues, however, and I now find myself in the middle of an uncomfortable situation. Suffice it to say that it involves my dad and my step-mom and while I'd like to hide behind "well, it's none of my business", it affects my dad and I can't stay out of it any more for his sake. It's not an affair, or anything like that. My step-mom has a lot of health issues that are, well, becoming an issue. It's just time to have a heart to heart with my dad.

Tomorrow I'm visiting a good friend; she's actually one of my mom's best friends and the woman who married Neil and I. She's also an astrologer and spiritual intuitive, so I always look forward to our visits to get her insights. Then, hopefully I can catch my niece's volleyball game.

I haven't gotten together with my friend Matt's parents yet. I may see if they can do lunch on Friday. Then Saturday I get to go to the fire department in Redmond and meet everyone. I'm looking forward to that, for sure. It's always interesting to see how different the people that Neil works with are from the pictures I create in my head.

For now, I'm going to take a quick soak in the hot tub then go to bed - it's way past my bedtime. Riley has been waking up earlier and earlier and the night owl in me struggles to adjust to an earlier bed time to compensate for the early mornings.

Love,
Aislinn

Places to go, people to see

Some of my fondest memories from my teen years feature my trips to Lake Billy Chinook with one of my then-boyfriend's best friends, Matt, and his parents. Matt's parent's own some property that sits above the lake and they would park their motorhome there for the summer, making weekend trips with Matt and his friends to go wakeboarding. Being a chiropractor, Matt's dad does very well financially and they pay fine attention to their toys - a boat, two jet skis, the motorhome, atvs, motorcycles. Going to the lake with them was always a privilege, and not just because we got to play with all their toys, but because Matt's parents are great people that know how to have a good time. And, I had a monstrous crush on Matt. I had a crush on Matt from the moment I saw him my freshman year in high school. I was thrilled when my boyfriend, with whom I hooked up with my sophomore year, turned out to be really good friends with him. Of course I always kept that crush to myself - what my boyfriend didn't know didn't hurt him.

I miss those weekends at the lake. Matt is currently in New York doing his dental residency where he excels in implants. When finished, he plans on moving to Washington and I hope to re-establish our friendship. He's a genuine person. In the meantime, I have kept in touch with his parents, actually running in to them at a sushi restaurant in Portland a year and a half ago. Just the day the before I had been thinking about how I missed them and wanted to get in touch with them. I was overjoyed to re-connect. Now, I'm planning to go visit them sometime this week.

I'm down in Bend right now, staying at my dad's house while he and my step-mom are in Arizona. Usually when I go to Bend it's just for the weekend to visit my parents, so I don't make any other plans. Since I'm here for a week and have plenty of time on my hands, especially while Neil is working at the Redmond Fire Department, I've reached out to several people here that I hope to connect with, including that old boyfriend - and his parents. I want them to meet Neil, if they haven't already, and Riley.

I'm getting together with my cousin Ryan and his fiance tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to it. The last time I saw him was at my wedding, nearly a year ago, and I didn't even get to talk to him before he left. He is a helicopter pilot and is gone a lot to help fight forest fires but he happens to be on a break right now.

Thinking of seeing all these people from my past is bringing up a lot of memories. It actually makes me excited to be back in Bend, where I previously have somewhat dreaded my visits. I can't say exactly why. I guess I just shut myself off to it when I moved to Portland. I look forward to re-discovering it with my son. My view of it seems different now that I'm a mom.

Our first visit will be today when I take Riley to see a friend of my mom's who is a naturopathic doctor. He has offered to look at Riley's ears for me. He still has a low-grade fever and a runny nose and I'm concerned that his congestion has turned into an ear infection. His ears don't seem to be bothering him but I've seen him playing with them more than usual and just want to be sure. It's very generous of my mom's friend to see him on his day off and I am grateful for his generosity.

Riley is playing with my left ear as I try to type this with one hand - he just woke up from a nap. And, the doctor just called, so I better sign off.

Love,
Aislinn

Happy Full Moon

Yes, it's three in the morning and I am wide awake, with the baby. I would be wonderfully asleep, all cozy in my bed, if the baby hadn't woken up at 1:00. I'm not too happy right now, but what can you do?

Neil is in Bend, at my dad and step-mom's. He starts his internship with the Redmond Fire Department at 8 in the morning. It will be interesting to see how he does. Normally I would say that he's going to do great, but this is going to be a real challenge for him. Redmond FD is so busy with calls - he works 24 hours on, 48 hours off and they told him not to expect to sleep at all during those 24 hours - they basically need Neil to know as much as he can because they're not going to have time to do much training, he just has to jump right in. Suffice it to say that Neil feels like he doesn't know very much. So, we'll see how it really goes.

I'm going down in a couple of days for nearly two weeks to be with him and help watch my parents' house while they go to Arizona. But, after that, I've decided to stay in Portland and not try to make frequent trips down there. Three hours is a long time for the baby to be in the car, and the cost of gas would be too impacting on our ever-dwindling bank accounts. Besides, Neil has to work two shifts a month at AMR to keep his employment, so he'll have to come home. They won't be long visits, but we'll get to see him.

I thought writing would help me feel better, but it's not. I'm not as unhappy about being up so late as I am about feeling so much resistance in my life lately. Things have not been flowing well and we've faced a lot of challenges. Such is life, I suppose, but it's draining. (Please note that I am grateful for a few great things that I do have - a nice new home and a healthy, good-natured little boy, although he has been quite cranky lately due to his cold and very, very needy.) Usually I have much more patience, but Riley has been waking every two hours at night and has been up by six or seven the last few mornings. The lack of sleep is taking it's toll and it's making it harder to deal with this resistance that I've been feeling.

Alright, it's getting harder for me to clearly express my thoughts, so I'm going to sign off.

Sweet dreams,
Aislinn

Oh Holy Shit

Our trip to Sacramento was horrendous. The traveling was fine. Riley's first plane ride went very well - he fell asleep shortly after take off and woke up as we were getting off the plane. He completely freaked out, however, when we got to Neil's grandma's house (a.k.a Batchi). There were several family members there and they were very loud and Riley just burst out in tears. I asked Neil's aunt, who lives with Batchi, where I could lay down with the baby and she directed me to her room - the room that we were also supposed to stay in during the trip. It wreaked like smoke and she had an ashtray next to the bed with cigarette butts in it. She couldn't stop smoking in her room for one day, knowing that a baby was going to be sleeping in it? Plus, it's the room that Neil's mother died in. So, Neil decided that we would stay with his brother instead.

Well, this didn't go over well with his aunt because Neil told Batchi instead of her and she got all butt-hurt. She's a little over dramatic. And, all she talked about was her dead sister - Neil's mom - as if the family needs to be reminded of her death over and over. I shouldn't dog on her, but there were so many other things that happened with her - and her son - on this trip that I'm not going to talk about out of respect for Neil's family. They were jaw dropping events. And it was one right after the other - even my sister-in-law said she felt bad for us because our whole trip was just drama after drama. Neil said that his family is sad and embarrassing. I wish I could go into specifics because they make for really good stories, but Neil wouldn't appreciate his family's issues hanging out for everyone to know.

The good that came out of the trip was that I got to actually meet a lot of Neil's family members and old friends - put faces to names - and that Neil got to see what his life used to be like, and how better off he is now. I understand Neil's past now and what makes him who he is. He has come a long way and I am so proud of the changes that he's made in his life. I felt horribly out of place, but Neil did too because he's evolved. I felt bad for him for that, but I was also glad for it because I would be horrified if he wanted to go back to his old friends and old ways. I keep saying horrified because it's the only word I can think of to describe how it was for me. And for Riley. He really had a hard time, too. And he did not like Neil's aunt. He cried every single time she picked him up. It's good to know my boy is discerning.

When we got home, Neil stopped in the middle of the living room and sighed that it was so good to be home. Neil has held on to a lot of old stuff from his past, and I think this trip helped him to realize that he needs to let it go now. Family is family, and he will always love his family, but the lifestyle can change. They haven't changed down there in Sacramento, but Neil has. And, he's aiming for better things for our little family.

Now Riley has a cold, poor thing. His cousin got a double ear infection while we were down there - the son of the brother that we were staying with - so I've been nervous about Riley being sick. I called his doctor's office today but they think it's just a virus.

Oh god, I am so glad to be home. And, I am so glad that I was born to two conscientious parents who worked hard to make sure I had a good, healthy life.

Love,
Aislinn

The Move

The time has come to move. We take all the big stuff to our new house tomorrow. We've been moving all that we can in our car for a week and a half now and have managed to get quite a bit done. I'm trying not to panic. I feel good about our new place, but am having a hard time letting go of our old place. We have also hit some road blocks recently, which have all opened back up, but it's been a tough week.

I'm overwhelmed that we're moving to a new place and Neil is going to be doing his ambulance internship with the City of Redmond soon. He'll be staying with my dad and step-mom in Bend and not coming back as often as we thought because the fire department doesn't think that he should work during his internship as it's very intense (Plus, he's on his motorcycle and he can't drive over the pass in the winter. We have to figure out what he's going to do for transportation down there; he can't ride his motorcycle if it snows). So, now we have to figure out how the heck we're going to make money and how we're going to see each other. He'll be doing his internship through December. And it falls just as we're moving to a new place, so I feel torn whether to stay and really settle into the house - and create a stable place for the baby - or to just get the house unpacked and turn around and stay in Bend for awhile. I don't want to drive back and forth every week.

It will all get figured out, I know, but my mind wants to try to sort everything out now! I do have a tendency, though, to worry and stress about stuff just to have it all work out in the end - and I look back and realize how much energy I wasted worrying about it all. I do feel like I'm getting better about not wasting so much energy, but there is a lot to try to juggle right now and I'm growing weary.

Well, the cable won't be hooked up at our new place until next week, so I won't have Internet access. Plus, we're going to Sacramento this weekend to visit Neil's family for several days. I may try to check in then. Think good thoughts!

Love,

Aislinn