Trick before the Treats

Neil's morning got off to a rough start. They went out on a call 15 minutes before he got off and the person coded and died. I didn't get any details as Neil doesn't like to talk about his work much so I try not to press. This was his second fatality since starting his internship. Two deaths in a month and half...I'm not sure if that's a lot. The amount has no relevance, really, but my mind wants to be analytical about it - to a certain degree. Which is sad to say as every death is unfortunate, of course. Both times Neil has said, "well, you can't save 'em all." He says he's okay, but I know that's his way of dealing with it. In truth, it is just what happens sometimes in his line of business. But don't tell me that putting your hands on someone and trying to save their life, only to have them die under your fingertips, doesn't affect you. I saw medics giving a man CPR in a store one time and seeing them pump on his chest and watching his limp, unresponsive body was very disconcerting.

Anyhow, at least we have this evening to look forward to. One of Neil's friends works at the Grand Canyon and she sent a park ranger outfit for Riley, so we'll put him in that for a little bit today. At least long enough to snap a few photos to send to her. It's a short-sleeved shirt and shorts and the weather, while somewhat mild in the '50's, doesn't really call for it. We're going trick or treating with some friends early evening and we have a fleece body suite that's black with a glow in the dark skeleton painted on it that we'll bundle him up in. I don't know how long we'll last, though, since he's been going to bed around 6:45-7. That only gives us about an hour with our friends. But, we want to take part in some festivities. I especially think it important now that Neil's had a rough start to his day.

I find myself examining the holidays more, now that I'm a parent. I want to do all the fun things with Riley, like dress him up and take him trick or treating for Halloween and do an egg hunt on Easter. But, I also think it's important that we teach what these holidays are for. And when you look behind the candy and the presents of most holidays, you see how the true meanings have been masked by the commercial world to buy things. I look forward to finding creative ways, as he gets old enough to understand, of teaching him about the holidays and honoring them for their true purposes and taking part in the societal festivities.

Happy Halloween.

Love,
Aislinn

Listen to your heart

I was putting Riley to bed tonight and as I was laying with him, I put my hand over his heart and felt it beat. He's so perfect and beautiful that I keep thinking that something will surface that is wrong with him. Surely he can't be that perfect, can he? Then I realized that if I keep putting that out there, that I will attract it. His heart was beating so fast and I worried that it was too fast. But, I told myself to shut up and be grateful that he is healthy and that he has a strong heart. Which led me to get a little deep...

We are so engulfed in our lives, so caught up in making it important - or unimportant - that we forget that all life truly comes down to is a beating heart and breathing (essentially). What I mean is that I personally take for granted this amazing, healthy body that I've been given. My heart beats. My lungs breath. My brain functions as is should - although there is an argument for how much I get stuck in my head. We take life so very seriously. In a way we should. Things happen that hurt. Or surprise. Or create joy. We define our lives by these events. But we forget these amazing bodies that we have and the astounding amount of activity that goes on inside of us to make us living, breathing, healthy beings.

There are those that don't have such luxury. Those with heart problems. Lung problems. Neurological problems. So many problems. But, those of us that are healthy, we take it for granted. Or at least I do. We worry about such mundane things...all day long. What a waste of time! But, that is what life is about, right? For me, I am grateful that I am healthy. I am so very grateful that my son is healthy. And the rest is what I choose to make of it. Zen comes to mind here...and my favorite lesson from it thus far: if something good happens, good; if something bad happens, good. Everything that happens to us is the best possible thing that can happen to us. We can choose to make a big deal out of it. Or we can accept it and work with it.

How much easier and more enjoyable would life be if we didn't try to make everything so precious, or give everything so much weight? That's not to say that we should just shrug off the things that happen, they are happening for a reason. But for heaven sakes, lets be grateful for what we have, what we don't have and the opportunity to shape our lives the way that we want to.

Neil asked what I had been drinking when I tried to tell him all this. In truth, I had just opened a bottle of wine. But, these realizations came to me before that, when I was lying with my precious, healthy little boy and I was overwhelmed with gratefulness. I may not always stay in this grateful space - hell, I can get self absorbed and throw a pity party like the best of 'em - but I will try to stay in this state of realization and appreciation as long as I can.

In gratitude,
Aislinn

Back to Bend

Well, I'm back in Bend for a week. Seems like the only place where I'm able to pay attention to my blog. Riley is crawling now, which means I am always on my toes...and means less time to devote to the Internet. But, alas, I'm in Bend where I don't have the normal house duties and errands occupying my time.

It's been a rough week. My step-mom is not doing well. She's at their house in Arizona and my dad had to fly down to be with her. Things might be looking up now that he's there, but I'm not trusting it yet. She's really put my dad through hell recently, which is hard on us, too. As frustrated as I am by what we've been through, it's hard to forgive her for what she's doing to my dad - and to herself. That day will come, though, where I have to decide whether to forgive her and trust or to just say no thanks to the relationship. Being that she's my dad's wife, the latter option is not the best for all involved. But trusting her again will take a lot of time. For now, we're just waiting to see what direction she'll step into.

So, that's largely what I've been dealing with. The positive events have been being in a children's fashion show with Riley last Friday (I got to push him in a high-tech, $1000 stroller - and carry a very sweet little nine-month-old girl down the catwalk) and spending time with some friends' 10-year-old daughter, who was awesome help with Riley. And, I got to see Neil after two weeks apart. Riley was a little cautious with him at first, but by his bedtime he was crawling all over his dad and laughing and shrieking with him.

That's why I don't want to spend too much time apart. Riley needs to be with his dad...and his dad needs to be with him, too. It helps him to remember why he's enduring the stress of becoming a paramedic. Treating medical problems is not toughest part for Neil right now, it's working with six to eight firefighters and medics all looking at him expectantly as he learns and tries to figure out what's going on. At AMR there are only two medics to an ambulance, but in a town like Redmond, where the fire department supplies the paramedics, the fire truck is sent out with the ambulance, so you have a whole group of people watching you and waiting to be told what to do. As the Person In Charge (PIC), which Neil has to be on a call for it to count toward completing his training, he has to give every single one of them a job or task, while trying to asses the patient at the same time. Yes, it's good training, but overwhelming when you're still trying to learn all the signs and symptoms of a patient...or trying to keep them alive. So far he's only had one fatality.

He'll get through it, and will have received better training in the end, having worked with a fire department, but when his preceptor tells him that other medics are forming opinions of him (though won't say what those opinions are), it weighs heavily on Neil and he doubts that he'll even make it. I'm very proud of him, though. He's handling the pressure well, not giving up and pushing himself to learn...which is actually a good reason for not being around him too much right now so he can focus on his training and not have us as a distraction. Six of one, half a dozen of the other, I suppose.

My life is full of things that keep it interesting, that's for sure!

Love,
Aislinn

Lights

I wish I could take credit for these, but they were taken by my mom.

Love,

Aislinn

I want what he's got

A friend of mine, who was my co-lead in my first film, La Devocion, has become quite a local acting success - in theater, film, commercials and print. He's been in productions at nearly every theater in town, he was "Joe" in an On Point Credit Union commercial that aired for a while and he plays a priest in the film Management. I about pooped my pants awhile back while I was driving and I looked up to see his big smiling face with a piece of cantaloupe in a Fred Meyer billboard. Well, in Bend Neil and I saw a billboard for Powerball and sure as shit there was Gil, riding in car, gawking at the amount of the next drawing. I had to do a double take as he had a huge mustache, most certainly a fake, but it was him. And I thought, man, who is his agent?

I would like to get an agent. I've wanted to do so for a long, long time. I did try once, at Ryan Artists, but the guy kept giving me the run around and it never manifested. I've kept my feelers out, though, and when I'm ready, I think I'll contact Kaili at Arthouse. However, when I'll be ready is a question that comes up for me quite often. There is still a part of me, deep down, that wants to be a famous actor. It's something that I haven't let go of since I was in junior high, practicing my Oscar speech in the mirror. Man, I could cry at the drop of a hat like no other. But, as I got older, I got, dare I say it, more sensible. I wanted to get a degree so I had something to "fall back on" if I didn't make it. That view of "making it" has certainly changed. It's not about trying to find fame anymore, but about enjoying the work. It is my passion. Having a baby does not mean that I am no longer an actor, but it does put a little crinkle in the attempt to keep that dream alive and the passion in the forefront.

So, when I say that when I'm ready I'll try to get an agent, it's entirely dependant on when the baby is ready, too. If I were to get an acting job, I would make it work with the baby. I have some good support, particularly with my mom. But, there are so many of Riley's firsts that I don't want to miss out on. He crawled for the first time yesterday and it was so awesome to experience! Neil was pretty bummed out that he missed it, and I can't imagine how bummed I would be if I was out at an audition or rehearsal or shoot and missed those big milestones. So, it's very important to me that I'm as present as possible with my growing boy. But, the hope has not died that I get back into acting sooner than later.

In the meantime, I enjoy seeing my friends' success. It keeps me motivated to find my success, too. I'm already enjoying one of them. Having Riley is best thing I've ever done.

Love,
Aislinn

20 Dangerous Things

I missed Bend the first few days back in Portland. Perhaps it's because every day has been full of activities and errands and household chores while in Bend I actually found myself bored, mostly when Riley was asleep and I didn't have much to focus my attention on. In Bend I focused a lot on my family's issues and I'm glad to have a break from that. I did talk with my dad and it went well. There are still a lot of concerns but at least my dad and I are on the same page now.

When Riley is asleep and I don't have anything immediate to take care of, I surf the 'net. But, even that is pretty superficial. I check in on email, blogs, bank accounts, etc. Not exactly exciting. I'm afraid to really dig into something in case the baby wakes up. That's often why I don't blog more than I do. But, I was recently tipped off to a great site about 20 dangerous things to children and I love to to educate myself about ways to raise my child consciously.

When I was doing reviews for Curve magazine, I got to read Raising Baby Green while I was still pregnant and it really opened my eyes to many things that people don't think about - or even know to think about. It's pretty sad that people live so unconsciously and aren't even aware of their unawareness. I highly recommend the book, and the website, for anyone, not just parents.

I have to cut this short as the baby is crying...

Love,
Aislinn