Vision of a Dream

Goodbye Guy

2009-01-21T15:39:00.001-08:00

Neil's father passed away today. I was trying to find some photos of him and just wanted to share some of what I found.

All our love,

Aislinn

Look at this!

2008-12-22T11:42:00.001-08:00

I grew up in Bend, so a lot of snow is not new to me, but holy crap! I don't remember the last time I've seen so much.

We're supposed to drive to Bend tomorrow and everyone thinks we should stay home, except for my dad, of course. I think he's a little frustrated with me for being so concerned about it, but I don't want something to happen and be stuck in the snow with the baby. We have an all-wheel-drive Subaru and chains, but it's low to the ground and with so much snow it would be easy to get high-centered. And, actually, I'm not so concerned about the pass as I am about getting to the pass. They maintain the pass pretty well, but they don't maintain the roads here very well. Not like I was used to in Bend.

I certainly don't want to be stuck here for Christmas, but that drive to Bend is going to be long and stressful. For me, anyways. Neil is not worried about it. He worked a 24 hour shift yesterday on the transport team for the Emanuel Children's Hospital and he had to drive to Astoria and back. Highway 26 to the coast is closed, so he had to take Hwy 30 through St. Helens. He was in an ambulance with studs and chains so he didn't have any problems, but I was super worried about him. In the end he ended up losing two chains, his windshield wipers broke and a switch thing that keeps the baby warm in the back of the bus broke, so they had to bring him a new vehicle to the hospital after he got back. He went on another call later at night to Vancouver and they didn't put chains in his new vehicle! He made it okay, but said it was pretty dangerous.

So...I guess as long as Neil is fine with driving tomorrow, we'll be heading to Bend. It's hard to stay positive right now, but I'm trying! It is beautiful out there. Welcome to winter.

Love,
Aislinn

Book Memories

2008-12-17T13:56:00.000-08:00

I have a book shelf next to the rocking chair in Riley's room that I pull from when it's story time. Many times I have to rock and read to calm him down for a nap. Our book collection is a mix of some of my old favorites and new ones that have been gifted to him. My dad read to me a lot (I'm sure my mom did too, but my memories predominately feature my father) and I remember the books being so funny. The new ones that Riley has are largely sentimental stories, such as Daddy's Little Boy, Keep Love in your Heart, Little One and Your First Step. We also have The Hawaiian Mother Goose, My Filipino Word Book and Counting Ovejas, for a touch of other languages.

There are about five books that I remember very clearly as my favorites. Two of them are on Riley's book shelf but the others are long gone.

Witches Four is about four witches that have lost their hats to four cats, who made them into their homes. I think what I always loved about this book was the rhythm; one witch, two witch, three witch, four. And I liked that it wasn't The Four Witches, but Witches Four - I'm not sure why, but it was different and that appealed to me, I guess. Just seeing the cover brings back memories of being all tucked into bed with my dad reading by my side. I don't remember much else of the book, unfortunately, but I would love to find a copy to read to Riley.

The Man Who Cooked For Himself is about a man who had his food delivered to his country home by a friend, until that friend took a vacation. Well, winter came and the man ate through all of his food. When spring arrived he had no food and he had to go out and collect his own. He picked nuts and berries, some kind of greens that he found by the lake, and he caught his own fish. It's funny to me that at such a young age I loved that he had to find his own food, but he made such a nice feast for himself out of what was right outside of his house. I wanted to do that too.

But No Elephants chronicles how granny bought a bird from an animal salesman to keep her company and it sang to her while she cooked. Then she bought a beaver, then a turtle and finally a woodpecker, and they all helped out around the house in their own ways. Each time she bought an animal, however, she would firmly say, But no elephants! Then when winter came the salesman had no where for the elephant to go, so she finally took him in. But then he ate everything and fell through the floor. However, he was then able to walk the house to a nice, tropical location and everyone was happy. I think I liked this book because my dad would say ephalumps instead of elephants. I also liked that granny took these animals in and that they were able to help her. This is one of the books that I still have.

When the Sun Rose is the other book that's on Riley's shelf. It is such a beautiful book about a girl who's friend comes to visit in a yellow rose carriage pulled by her golden lion. Their dolls trade dresses, they eat blueberries and cream, the lion purrs and they draw rainbows. The illustrations are so warm and full of light. This is one that my mom got me and I've always treasured it. This author also wrote Grandfather Twilight, about a man who pulls a pearl from his wood chest every night and walks it to the sea as it grows into the moon. It is equally as stunning, though not as vibrant as When the Sun Rose.

And finally, The Stupids series. I absolutely adored these books. They had things like a picture hanging on the wall of a tree but it would say boat. Or, as you can see by this cover, they would do such things as wear their animals as hats. It was just so funny to me that they would do such silly things as if it were normal. I remember going to the library and trying to find new books in the series that my dad and I hadn't read yet. I thought he would be so excited if I found a new one for us to giggle over. I think they made it into a movie, but I haven't seen it.

I also really liked The Bernstein Bears series. I liked that the bears were named Mama, Papa, Brother and Sister and they lived in a tree. Isn't that every child's fantasy, to live in a tree?

So far, Riley's favorites (or at least the ones he'll sit all the way through) are Green Eggs and Ham and Old MacDonald Had a Farm (he likes that I sing it and make the animal noises). He does pretty well with The Hawaiian Mother Goose, the rhymes calm him. The trouble is that I can't read books that aren't the thick cardboard type because he just tears the thin paper books. He likes to turn the pages back and forth, but the paper books are too thin for his hands and it usually turns into grabbing and pulling.

Raising a child brings back memories of my own childhood, especially when you have tangible objects from your past, such as these books. I am grateful that my parents read to me so much; they have given me pleasant memories. I hope to do the same for Riley.

Love,

Aislinn

In My Dreams

2008-12-16T10:31:00.000-08:00

I keep having dreams that I'm either pregnant or have just given birth to a baby. I had been feeling a little strange in my body and with the dreams I've been having, decided to take a pregnancy test. It was negative and I was extremely relieved. Though dreaming of having another child and the joy and wonder that it inspires does kind of make me want another. But, I'm really on the fence about it. I feel like I'm supposed to have another, but I wouldn't mind devoting all my attention to Riley. I would be just fine with him being an only child. That being said, however, I am an only child and I always wanted an older brother. Riley will be that if we have another baby. But, is making him an older sibling fulfilling my old desires, or is it me making the decision for Riley's life that it will be better if he has a sibling?

As a parent I have to think differently then I ever have before. I make the decisions that direct another being's life. How will the decisions that I make now affect him in the future? Or how will something that I don't do now affect him later? How do I give my little boy a great life without projecting my hopes and desires too much on him? How do I know that putting him in a sport or teaching him a musical instrument will be the sport or instrument that he prefers? You don't know these things, of course, and I realize that there is much trial and error, many mistakes or simply just risks and chances. I don't want to over think it, but I do struggle at times with doing what I want and making sure that it is best for Riley, too. And for Neil. And for a possible future child.

Riley is standing on his own now. Not for long periods and not very frequently, but he's getting more confident. When I first thought that I might be pregnant, my first thought was not about how I didn't want to go through the physical challenges of being pregnant, or that I didn't want to go through childbirth, but that I didn't want to take anything away from Riley. I want to be absolutely focused on him and I don't want to be distracted from his milestones by another being's milestones. That sounds weird, now that I've typed it, but it was my first reaction. I'm not sure if it's selfishness or over-protectiveness or simply first-time mom sentiments.

What will be, will be, so there's no use in worrying about it. But I do have some say and as of now I'm not ready for another. And yet the love that I feel for the being in my dreams will not go away. I even know that it's a boy and his name is Kaylen (I spell that phonetically, I'm not sure what spelling it would actually be). I've also dreamed, before Riley was born, that I had a daughter named Elijah. I take my dreams pretty seriously and use them as tools. And they affect me deeply, give me a sense of innate knowing. So, maybe I'll end up with three children! In fact, that was in one of my recent dreams, too. After I gave birth and they said it was boy, I though (in my dream), oh no, I'm going to have three children because I know I'm supposed to have a girl, too!

Oh dreams. Take them as signs or shrug 'em off?

Love,
Aislinn

He's (Almost) Done!

2008-12-11T20:46:00.000-08:00

Today was Neil's last day of school (the end of his finals week). He now has an AA in Applied Science. I was very happy for him earlier and he grimly said that he wasn't done yet, as he still has to take the national paramedic exam. But, I reminded him that even if he doesn't pass that, he still has a degree. He perked up after that and called his dad, then my dad, then my mom. We went out to dinner to celebrate and he told the waitress too.

He really has worked very hard for his degree. I know he will pass his paramedic exam, but beyond that he can also call himself a college graduate.

I don't remember my last day of school, but I remember when I applied for my degree. It took me five and a half years to get a Bachelor of Arts in English and applying for that official piece of paper was bliss. You dream of the day, when you are knee deep in papers and books (and ready to have a nervous break down), that you get to realize your accomplishments in the present moment. All the hard work is worth it when that sweet day comes.

I am so proud of Neil. He's really changed his life around and has truly made something of himself. He has a pretty bad past and is proof that you can change and achieve the life you want to live. It's hard work, yes, and sometimes there are many hoops to jump through. And, of course, there were many times when he wanted to give up. But he didn't, and now his day of success is realized. Bravo, my love!

Love,
Aislinn

Gimme that!

2008-12-06T15:55:00.000-08:00

I love these shots.

Love,

Aislinn

I'm just saying

2008-12-05T10:14:00.000-08:00

My son keeps me so busy that I have not had the time to focus on this blog. And when he goes to sleep, I have so many other things to take care of around the house that by the time I'm done, I just want to relax. There are many things I have been wanting to write about, like recently seeing the film I did awhile back, Dangerous Writing, and having one of my articles finally being published in Curve Magazine. I also wanted to write about how cooking my first Thanksgiving dinner went. And my mom going back to Hawaii. But, even now, my son is about to tear down a lamp and I have to go...

So, as I was saying...Riley is such a handful. Holy shit. And I know it's only going to get - sorry, have to pull him away from the computer wires... Anyways, my days are filled with joy. I get to spend them with my son, watching him learn and grow. Trying new foods. Discovering new things. But sometimes I really want to pull my hair out. That's motherhood, I know. I get that. I'm just saying. And I'm also saying it because it's the reason why I'm not writing more.

I wish I could write more now, but I have to try to put him down for a nap (the third attempt). He's very stubborn. But too cranky to not take one. He's also stuck under my chair and not happy about it. Don't worry, kiddo, neither am I!

Love,
Aislinn

Giving Thanks

2008-11-27T07:57:00.000-08:00

Early Thanksgiving morning and I have just changed my son's poopy diaper. I am grateful that it was swift and healthy, for yesterday he struggled for at least 20 minutes to have a poop. In a restaurant no less. There was my son, hanging on to me and his grandma at the same time, bearing down, eyes turning red and watering, pushing and grunting loudly while other diners tried to eat. I had to change him in the car as the restaurant did not have a changing table in their restroom. When I came back in, he was so tired that he fell asleep almost instantly in my mom's arms. It was quite the event for him.

I didn't expect to talk about my son's poop this morning, but I do want to say how grateful I am for the beautiful being who has blessed our lives - we are truly blessed. He teaches me how to be grateful for the small things as well as the big and obvious. And, I am grateful that I have my mom, who has helped us so generously in so many ways. I am also grateful that my husband is working so hard to create a good career for himself to support his family and allow me to stay at home and raise our son. I have a wonderful life. It may not always be easy, and it may not always be fun, but I am blessed for all that I have - the good and the bad. Besides, what's positive and negative in our lives comes down to how we perceive things.

Now, I'm off to get ready for cooking my first turkey! We're hosting one of my best friends and her husband, with whom I am having a tiny feud over the turkey. I told him, when he enthusiastically asked how he could help, that he could show me how to cook it. Well, that turned into him planning a recipe and not telling anyone what it is - and complained, when I asked him if I could tell him how my dad makes it, that I wasn't going to let him do the turkey. All that is fine, if it were HIS turkey. But, it's not. It's MY turkey, we're hosting, we bought the free-range bird (which I hope all of you will consider in the future, if you don't already). He will be a good test for me to stay in a grateful, loving space today.

Have a wonderful, grateful day, everybody.

Love,
Aislinn

He's coming home!

2008-11-17T18:58:00.000-08:00

Neil is coming home tonight. I find myself excited and a little bummed out, to be honest. I haven't seen him in over two weeks and have gotten used to not sharing my space with him. I've had the bed to myself. I haven't had to worry about making dinner that pleases both my vegetarian mom and carnivorous husband. In fact, I haven't had to make dinner at all! My mom's done it, or we've gone out to Thai or a salad buffet (we went to Sweet Tomatoes for the first time the other night, which is a salad buffet with soups and pastas, too. I was in salad heaven). Neil will be busy with school and work when he's back so I'll still have plenty of time to myself, but I'll miss giving up precious bed real estate.

I am, however, very happy to be together as a family again and Riley having someone else to play with. And I look forward to a few more private things as well. I hope to have a date night or two while my mom is still here. She's going back to Hawaii at the end of the month and does not have a return ticket yet. I don't think she'll be there longer than two or three months, but I sure will miss her help with the baby and the house, and spending time with her, of course.

Neil actually just got home, so I gotta go.

Love,
Aislinn

Autumn

2008-11-09T11:15:00.000-08:00

Political Firsts

2008-11-06T07:44:00.000-08:00

Two political firsts happened the night of the 4th. Aside from Mr. Barack Obama becoming our President-elect, I finally told my dad that I am a Democrat. In the 10 years that I've been voting, politics have been a silent don't-ask-don't tell between my dad and I. He's a conservative and I was always too nervous to tell him how liberal I was. I guess I hoped that he would just assume.

Tuesday night, after I put the baby to sleep and sat down on my dad's couch with a brownie in one hand and a glass of milk in the other, the local Bend news switched back to the national converge and it was silent. On my dad's big 50" television screen showed a picture of Barack Obama and the words that he was the 44th president of the United States of America. I sat there, smiling. I held my browning and milk, frozen. I wanted to take the whole moment in so I can remember every detail when I tell my children what I was doing when the first black man was elected president. When a great man that inspired (most of) a nation became president.

I didn't celebrate because I didn't know how my dad would react to Obama becoming our next president. I was very surprised when he stated that he did like Obama's charisma and while he doesn't agree with some of his policies, he really hopes that Obama can turn this country around. I was so relieved to hear that.

The baby woke up about an hour later and when I came back from getting him back to sleep, as I was sitting down on the couch, my dad suddenly asked who I voted for. He rather blurted it out like he had wanted to know for awhile and was finally forcing himself to ask (he tried to ask what I wanted to see happen earlier in the night but we got interrupted). My heart immediately started pounding, as my dad's tone of voice does when he gets forceful like that. But, I was proud: I voted for Obama, Dad. "Why?" came his harsh response. I could have gone in to a long explanation of why I voted for Barack Obama, opening the door for debate or for my dad to either gain or lose respect for me. But instead I simply stated that it was because I was a Democrat. "Why?" he asked again, sounding disgusted. Again, I was careful to choose my words. I thought he had hope for Obama, why was he suddenly grilling me on my choice?

I told him that I honestly didn't understand a lot of of the different tax views between Republican and Democrat, but that there are some fundamental beliefs that I don't agree with the Republicans on. My example to him was abortion. Republicans (I suppose I should be safe here and say most of them, not all) don't believe in a woman's right to choose and as a woman, I just don't agree with that.

My dad didn't say anything. Just like that our conversation on politics was over. It took ten years to have a one minute conversation. But, I felt relieved that my dad finally knows now that I'm a Democrat. And I am truly proud to be one right now. I will admit though, that I was a little disappointed that my dad didn't know that I was a Democrat. Made me realize that he doesn't really know me as who I am as a person. He still sees his little girl when he looks at me and he hasn't tried to have a meaningful conversation with me aside from what I'm doing with my life.

Well, anyhow. I am so proud to call Barack Obama president. What a great moment.

Love,
Aislinn

Wisdom

2008-11-02T14:22:00.000-08:00

Wisdom is inordinately difficult to conjure. Ask any wise person—if you can find one—to say something wise and, like as not, they will say something stupid. Trying to be wise on command is kind of like being spontaneous on purpose-- it’s an oxymoron. It cannot be done.

- Red Tail

Trick before the Treats

2008-10-31T09:48:00.001-07:00

Neil's morning got off to a rough start. They went out on a call 15 minutes before he got off and the person coded and died. I didn't get any details as Neil doesn't like to talk about his work much so I try not to press. This was his second fatality since starting his internship. Two deaths in a month and half...I'm not sure if that's a lot. The amount has no relevance, really, but my mind wants to be analytical about it - to a certain degree. Which is sad to say as every death is unfortunate, of course. Both times Neil has said, "well, you can't save 'em all." He says he's okay, but I know that's his way of dealing with it. In truth, it is just what happens sometimes in his line of business. But don't tell me that putting your hands on someone and trying to save their life, only to have them die under your fingertips, doesn't affect you. I saw medics giving a man CPR in a store one time and seeing them pump on his chest and watching his limp, unresponsive body was very disconcerting.

Anyhow, at least we have this evening to look forward to. One of Neil's friends works at the Grand Canyon and she sent a park ranger outfit for Riley, so we'll put him in that for a little bit today. At least long enough to snap a few photos to send to her. It's a short-sleeved shirt and shorts and the weather, while somewhat mild in the '50's, doesn't really call for it. We're going trick or treating with some friends early evening and we have a fleece body suite that's black with a glow in the dark skeleton painted on it that we'll bundle him up in. I don't know how long we'll last, though, since he's been going to bed around 6:45-7. That only gives us about an hour with our friends. But, we want to take part in some festivities. I especially think it important now that Neil's had a rough start to his day.

I find myself examining the holidays more, now that I'm a parent. I want to do all the fun things with Riley, like dress him up and take him trick or treating for Halloween and do an egg hunt on Easter. But, I also think it's important that we teach what these holidays are for. And when you look behind the candy and the presents of most holidays, you see how the true meanings have been masked by the commercial world to buy things. I look forward to finding creative ways, as he gets old enough to understand, of teaching him about the holidays and honoring them for their true purposes and taking part in the societal festivities.

Happy Halloween.

Love,
Aislinn

Listen to your heart

2008-10-27T21:29:00.001-07:00

I was putting Riley to bed tonight and as I was laying with him, I put my hand over his heart and felt it beat. He's so perfect and beautiful that I keep thinking that something will surface that is wrong with him. Surely he can't be that perfect, can he? Then I realized that if I keep putting that out there, that I will attract it. His heart was beating so fast and I worried that it was too fast. But, I told myself to shut up and be grateful that he is healthy and that he has a strong heart. Which led me to get a little deep...

We are so engulfed in our lives, so caught up in making it important - or unimportant - that we forget that all life truly comes down to is a beating heart and breathing (essentially). What I mean is that I personally take for granted this amazing, healthy body that I've been given. My heart beats. My lungs breath. My brain functions as is should - although there is an argument for how much I get stuck in my head. We take life so very seriously. In a way we should. Things happen that hurt. Or surprise. Or create joy. We define our lives by these events. But we forget these amazing bodies that we have and the astounding amount of activity that goes on inside of us to make us living, breathing, healthy beings.

There are those that don't have such luxury. Those with heart problems. Lung problems. Neurological problems. So many problems. But, those of us that are healthy, we take it for granted. Or at least I do. We worry about such mundane things...all day long. What a waste of time! But, that is what life is about, right? For me, I am grateful that I am healthy. I am so very grateful that my son is healthy. And the rest is what I choose to make of it. Zen comes to mind here...and my favorite lesson from it thus far: if something good happens, good; if something bad happens, good. Everything that happens to us is the best possible thing that can happen to us. We can choose to make a big deal out of it. Or we can accept it and work with it.

How much easier and more enjoyable would life be if we didn't try to make everything so precious, or give everything so much weight? That's not to say that we should just shrug off the things that happen, they are happening for a reason. But for heaven sakes, lets be grateful for what we have, what we don't have and the opportunity to shape our lives the way that we want to.

Neil asked what I had been drinking when I tried to tell him all this. In truth, I had just opened a bottle of wine. But, these realizations came to me before that, when I was lying with my precious, healthy little boy and I was overwhelmed with gratefulness. I may not always stay in this grateful space - hell, I can get self absorbed and throw a pity party like the best of 'em - but I will try to stay in this state of realization and appreciation as long as I can.

In gratitude,
Aislinn

Back to Bend

2008-10-27T10:27:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm back in Bend for a week. Seems like the only place where I'm able to pay attention to my blog. Riley is crawling now, which means I am always on my toes...and means less time to devote to the Internet. But, alas, I'm in Bend where I don't have the normal house duties and errands occupying my time.

It's been a rough week. My step-mom is not doing well. She's at their house in Arizona and my dad had to fly down to be with her. Things might be looking up now that he's there, but I'm not trusting it yet. She's really put my dad through hell recently, which is hard on us, too. As frustrated as I am by what we've been through, it's hard to forgive her for what she's doing to my dad - and to herself. That day will come, though, where I have to decide whether to forgive her and trust or to just say no thanks to the relationship. Being that she's my dad's wife, the latter option is not the best for all involved. But trusting her again will take a lot of time. For now, we're just waiting to see what direction she'll step into.

So, that's largely what I've been dealing with. The positive events have been being in a children's fashion show with Riley last Friday (I got to push him in a high-tech, $1000 stroller - and carry a very sweet little nine-month-old girl down the catwalk) and spending time with some friends' 10-year-old daughter, who was awesome help with Riley. And, I got to see Neil after two weeks apart. Riley was a little cautious with him at first, but by his bedtime he was crawling all over his dad and laughing and shrieking with him.

That's why I don't want to spend too much time apart. Riley needs to be with his dad...and his dad needs to be with him, too. It helps him to remember why he's enduring the stress of becoming a paramedic. Treating medical problems is not toughest part for Neil right now, it's working with six to eight firefighters and medics all looking at him expectantly as he learns and tries to figure out what's going on. At AMR there are only two medics to an ambulance, but in a town like Redmond, where the fire department supplies the paramedics, the fire truck is sent out with the ambulance, so you have a whole group of people watching you and waiting to be told what to do. As the Person In Charge (PIC), which Neil has to be on a call for it to count toward completing his training, he has to give every single one of them a job or task, while trying to asses the patient at the same time. Yes, it's good training, but overwhelming when you're still trying to learn all the signs and symptoms of a patient...or trying to keep them alive. So far he's only had one fatality.

He'll get through it, and will have received better training in the end, having worked with a fire department, but when his preceptor tells him that other medics are forming opinions of him (though won't say what those opinions are), it weighs heavily on Neil and he doubts that he'll even make it. I'm very proud of him, though. He's handling the pressure well, not giving up and pushing himself to learn...which is actually a good reason for not being around him too much right now so he can focus on his training and not have us as a distraction. Six of one, half a dozen of the other, I suppose.

My life is full of things that keep it interesting, that's for sure!

Love,
Aislinn

Lights

2008-10-15T21:01:00.001-07:00

I wish I could take credit for these, but they were taken by my mom.

Love,

Aislinn

I want what he's got

2008-10-04T14:13:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine, who was my co-lead in my first film, La Devocion, has become quite a local acting success - in theater, film, commercials and print. He's been in productions at nearly every theater in town, he was "Joe" in an On Point Credit Union commercial that aired for a while and he plays a priest in the film Management. I about pooped my pants awhile back while I was driving and I looked up to see his big smiling face with a piece of cantaloupe in a Fred Meyer billboard. Well, in Bend Neil and I saw a billboard for Powerball and sure as shit there was Gil, riding in car, gawking at the amount of the next drawing. I had to do a double take as he had a huge mustache, most certainly a fake, but it was him. And I thought, man, who is his agent?

I would like to get an agent. I've wanted to do so for a long, long time. I did try once, at Ryan Artists, but the guy kept giving me the run around and it never manifested. I've kept my feelers out, though, and when I'm ready, I think I'll contact Kaili at Arthouse. However, when I'll be ready is a question that comes up for me quite often. There is still a part of me, deep down, that wants to be a famous actor. It's something that I haven't let go of since I was in junior high, practicing my Oscar speech in the mirror. Man, I could cry at the drop of a hat like no other. But, as I got older, I got, dare I say it, more sensible. I wanted to get a degree so I had something to "fall back on" if I didn't make it. That view of "making it" has certainly changed. It's not about trying to find fame anymore, but about enjoying the work. It is my passion. Having a baby does not mean that I am no longer an actor, but it does put a little crinkle in the attempt to keep that dream alive and the passion in the forefront.

So, when I say that when I'm ready I'll try to get an agent, it's entirely dependant on when the baby is ready, too. If I were to get an acting job, I would make it work with the baby. I have some good support, particularly with my mom. But, there are so many of Riley's firsts that I don't want to miss out on. He crawled for the first time yesterday and it was so awesome to experience! Neil was pretty bummed out that he missed it, and I can't imagine how bummed I would be if I was out at an audition or rehearsal or shoot and missed those big milestones. So, it's very important to me that I'm as present as possible with my growing boy. But, the hope has not died that I get back into acting sooner than later.

In the meantime, I enjoy seeing my friends' success. It keeps me motivated to find my success, too. I'm already enjoying one of them. Having Riley is best thing I've ever done.

Love,
Aislinn

20 Dangerous Things

2008-10-02T17:18:00.000-07:00

I missed Bend the first few days back in Portland. Perhaps it's because every day has been full of activities and errands and household chores while in Bend I actually found myself bored, mostly when Riley was asleep and I didn't have much to focus my attention on. In Bend I focused a lot on my family's issues and I'm glad to have a break from that. I did talk with my dad and it went well. There are still a lot of concerns but at least my dad and I are on the same page now.

When Riley is asleep and I don't have anything immediate to take care of, I surf the 'net. But, even that is pretty superficial. I check in on email, blogs, bank accounts, etc. Not exactly exciting. I'm afraid to really dig into something in case the baby wakes up. That's often why I don't blog more than I do. But, I was recently tipped off to a great site about 20 dangerous things to children and I love to to educate myself about ways to raise my child consciously.

When I was doing reviews for Curve magazine, I got to read Raising Baby Green while I was still pregnant and it really opened my eyes to many things that people don't think about - or even know to think about. It's pretty sad that people live so unconsciously and aren't even aware of their unawareness. I highly recommend the book, and the website, for anyone, not just parents.

I have to cut this short as the baby is crying...

Love,
Aislinn

The time has come

2008-09-27T10:23:00.000-07:00

We're heading back to Portland tomorrow and I'm a little blah about it. I've seen a lot of people here but I didn't get to take Riley out into the wilderness. I feel like I need another week to do so, with the abundance of and easy access to recreation areas here. I'll be back in a week, but the nice weather can easily turn by then. I'll be back for our one year wedding anniversary. Neil has to work the actual day of our anniversary and it would be easy to just stay in Portland, but I don't want to shrug off an important event. This year has been so full and convoluted that many other important dates and events in our lives have been overlooked. So, we're going to try to do something important the next day; hopefully stay in a suite at Brasada Ranch, where we had our ceremony. My mom is going to come down, too, to watch the baby so we can go to dinner. She really wants to honor us in that way. I am grateful.

I'm also sad because it means the start of rarely seeing Neil. He's coming back to Portland tomorrow to work a shift at AMR, but heading back the next day. And, even though I'll be back in a week, it's just a reminder that afterwards I won't be down again for awhile. I know I can come back anytime I want, but for the rest of October I have two birthday parties, a wedding reception and Riley's already-paid-for gymnastics that I need to stick around for.

I know that it's good to have my space, and that distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that wonderful stuff, but Neil and I really enjoy being together. We are a strong unit and proud of it. Plus, it's important for the baby to be around his dad. That's obvious, but when he hasn't seen Neil even for one day he lights up when he comes home. It's so beautiful to see the awe that washes over his face when he sees his dad. We'll just do the best that we can.

I pick my dad up from the airport tonight and I'm apprehensive about talking to him about my step-mom. But, I also realized this morning that I'm taking it so seriously and maybe it doesn't have to be such a huge deal. I can create a positive conversation about it and that's what I have to keep in mind. Although, just writing positive made me pause. It's not really positive, the situation, and I'm not sure I can make a conversation based on whole hearted concern fluffy and happy. I could if I wanted to take away the gravity of the truth, but the point is to stop pussy-footing around and make sure my dad knows the reality of what's going on. It's hard to write about this and be allusive to the situation, but I won't air family problems here. Perhaps I shouldn't even be sharing what I have, but it's helping me to sort my thoughts and how I feel about it.

Well, it's a beautiful day out there and I hope to take advantage of it while I can. We're going to the firehouse later. I hope Neil doesn't go out on a call before we get there!

Love,
Aislinn

The week so far

2008-09-24T23:35:00.000-07:00

The three most common comments about Riley this week have been: he's such a happy baby, he's such a quiet baby and he's such a good-natured baby. I am blessed to have such a sweet baby. He's done very well this week as it's been full of lots of new places and faces.

My cousin and his fiance came over Monday night and we had a really good visit. I had my doubts if he would ever settle down and his fiance is wonderful. I hope to stay in better touch with them and will make an effort to visit them when I come to Bend.

Tuesday we had lunch with my ex-boyfriend's parents. The ex didn't come, but it was so nice to see his parents. I also worked for his mom for four years - Norma is a realtor and I was her marketing coordinator. We met up with her at her office so I also got to see a couple of the ladies that I used to work with. The only awkward moment came at the restaurant when I handed the baby over to Norma and someone at the table behind her, who knew her, asked if it was her grandchild. She fumbled to explain that I used to work for her. It was easier, I'm sure, than explaining that I was her son's ex-girlfriend that she wanted him to marry. I easily could have given her a grandchild, that is if her son weren't infertile from smoking so much pot. Ooh, jab. Sorry. But, it really was so nice to catch up with Norma and Bill.

Today I had lunch with my ex-step-dad. He's remained very supportive of me and I sense that Riley feels a bit like a grandson to him. He's been pretty good about trying to connect with me when he comes to Portland so it was nice to have the time to connect with him here.

I also got to see two of my nieces this evening. I have to step-sisters who I'm not close with at all, one of which I have not seen or spoken to in nearly ten years. But, her two daughters, who live with their dad and step-mom, have remained in our lives. I haven't seen them since my wedding - the youngest was my flower girl and the eldest was a junior bridesmaid. They are growing so fast and I feel bad that I haven't stayed in touch better. The eldest has a freshman volleyball game tomorrow that I hope to make it to.

Visiting with their dad and step-mom tonight shed some light on some family issues, however, and I now find myself in the middle of an uncomfortable situation. Suffice it to say that it involves my dad and my step-mom and while I'd like to hide behind "well, it's none of my business", it affects my dad and I can't stay out of it any more for his sake. It's not an affair, or anything like that. My step-mom has a lot of health issues that are, well, becoming an issue. It's just time to have a heart to heart with my dad.

Tomorrow I'm visiting a good friend; she's actually one of my mom's best friends and the woman who married Neil and I. She's also an astrologer and spiritual intuitive, so I always look forward to our visits to get her insights. Then, hopefully I can catch my niece's volleyball game.

I haven't gotten together with my friend Matt's parents yet. I may see if they can do lunch on Friday. Then Saturday I get to go to the fire department in Redmond and meet everyone. I'm looking forward to that, for sure. It's always interesting to see how different the people that Neil works with are from the pictures I create in my head.

For now, I'm going to take a quick soak in the hot tub then go to bed - it's way past my bedtime. Riley has been waking up earlier and earlier and the night owl in me struggles to adjust to an earlier bed time to compensate for the early mornings.

Love,
Aislinn

Places to go, people to see

2008-09-21T14:23:00.000-07:00

Some of my fondest memories from my teen years feature my trips to Lake Billy Chinook with one of my then-boyfriend's best friends, Matt, and his parents. Matt's parent's own some property that sits above the lake and they would park their motorhome there for the summer, making weekend trips with Matt and his friends to go wakeboarding. Being a chiropractor, Matt's dad does very well financially and they pay fine attention to their toys - a boat, two jet skis, the motorhome, atvs, motorcycles. Going to the lake with them was always a privilege, and not just because we got to play with all their toys, but because Matt's parents are great people that know how to have a good time. And, I had a monstrous crush on Matt. I had a crush on Matt from the moment I saw him my freshman year in high school. I was thrilled when my boyfriend, with whom I hooked up with my sophomore year, turned out to be really good friends with him. Of course I always kept that crush to myself - what my boyfriend didn't know didn't hurt him.

I miss those weekends at the lake. Matt is currently in New York doing his dental residency where he excels in implants. When finished, he plans on moving to Washington and I hope to re-establish our friendship. He's a genuine person. In the meantime, I have kept in touch with his parents, actually running in to them at a sushi restaurant in Portland a year and a half ago. Just the day the before I had been thinking about how I missed them and wanted to get in touch with them. I was overjoyed to re-connect. Now, I'm planning to go visit them sometime this week.

I'm down in Bend right now, staying at my dad's house while he and my step-mom are in Arizona. Usually when I go to Bend it's just for the weekend to visit my parents, so I don't make any other plans. Since I'm here for a week and have plenty of time on my hands, especially while Neil is working at the Redmond Fire Department, I've reached out to several people here that I hope to connect with, including that old boyfriend - and his parents. I want them to meet Neil, if they haven't already, and Riley.

I'm getting together with my cousin Ryan and his fiance tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to it. The last time I saw him was at my wedding, nearly a year ago, and I didn't even get to talk to him before he left. He is a helicopter pilot and is gone a lot to help fight forest fires but he happens to be on a break right now.

Thinking of seeing all these people from my past is bringing up a lot of memories. It actually makes me excited to be back in Bend, where I previously have somewhat dreaded my visits. I can't say exactly why. I guess I just shut myself off to it when I moved to Portland. I look forward to re-discovering it with my son. My view of it seems different now that I'm a mom.

Our first visit will be today when I take Riley to see a friend of my mom's who is a naturopathic doctor. He has offered to look at Riley's ears for me. He still has a low-grade fever and a runny nose and I'm concerned that his congestion has turned into an ear infection. His ears don't seem to be bothering him but I've seen him playing with them more than usual and just want to be sure. It's very generous of my mom's friend to see him on his day off and I am grateful for his generosity.

Riley is playing with my left ear as I try to type this with one hand - he just woke up from a nap. And, the doctor just called, so I better sign off.

Love,
Aislinn

Happy Full Moon

2008-09-15T02:12:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's three in the morning and I am wide awake, with the baby. I would be wonderfully asleep, all cozy in my bed, if the baby hadn't woken up at 1:00. I'm not too happy right now, but what can you do?

Neil is in Bend, at my dad and step-mom's. He starts his internship with the Redmond Fire Department at 8 in the morning. It will be interesting to see how he does. Normally I would say that he's going to do great, but this is going to be a real challenge for him. Redmond FD is so busy with calls - he works 24 hours on, 48 hours off and they told him not to expect to sleep at all during those 24 hours - they basically need Neil to know as much as he can because they're not going to have time to do much training, he just has to jump right in. Suffice it to say that Neil feels like he doesn't know very much. So, we'll see how it really goes.

I'm going down in a couple of days for nearly two weeks to be with him and help watch my parents' house while they go to Arizona. But, after that, I've decided to stay in Portland and not try to make frequent trips down there. Three hours is a long time for the baby to be in the car, and the cost of gas would be too impacting on our ever-dwindling bank accounts. Besides, Neil has to work two shifts a month at AMR to keep his employment, so he'll have to come home. They won't be long visits, but we'll get to see him.

I thought writing would help me feel better, but it's not. I'm not as unhappy about being up so late as I am about feeling so much resistance in my life lately. Things have not been flowing well and we've faced a lot of challenges. Such is life, I suppose, but it's draining. (Please note that I am grateful for a few great things that I do have - a nice new home and a healthy, good-natured little boy, although he has been quite cranky lately due to his cold and very, very needy.) Usually I have much more patience, but Riley has been waking every two hours at night and has been up by six or seven the last few mornings. The lack of sleep is taking it's toll and it's making it harder to deal with this resistance that I've been feeling.

Alright, it's getting harder for me to clearly express my thoughts, so I'm going to sign off.

Sweet dreams,
Aislinn

Oh Holy Shit

2008-09-12T21:58:00.000-07:00

Our trip to Sacramento was horrendous. The traveling was fine. Riley's first plane ride went very well - he fell asleep shortly after take off and woke up as we were getting off the plane. He completely freaked out, however, when we got to Neil's grandma's house (a.k.a Batchi). There were several family members there and they were very loud and Riley just burst out in tears. I asked Neil's aunt, who lives with Batchi, where I could lay down with the baby and she directed me to her room - the room that we were also supposed to stay in during the trip. It wreaked like smoke and she had an ashtray next to the bed with cigarette butts in it. She couldn't stop smoking in her room for one day, knowing that a baby was going to be sleeping in it? Plus, it's the room that Neil's mother died in. So, Neil decided that we would stay with his brother instead.

Well, this didn't go over well with his aunt because Neil told Batchi instead of her and she got all butt-hurt. She's a little over dramatic. And, all she talked about was her dead sister - Neil's mom - as if the family needs to be reminded of her death over and over. I shouldn't dog on her, but there were so many other things that happened with her - and her son - on this trip that I'm not going to talk about out of respect for Neil's family. They were jaw dropping events. And it was one right after the other - even my sister-in-law said she felt bad for us because our whole trip was just drama after drama. Neil said that his family is sad and embarrassing. I wish I could go into specifics because they make for really good stories, but Neil wouldn't appreciate his family's issues hanging out for everyone to know.

The good that came out of the trip was that I got to actually meet a lot of Neil's family members and old friends - put faces to names - and that Neil got to see what his life used to be like, and how better off he is now. I understand Neil's past now and what makes him who he is. He has come a long way and I am so proud of the changes that he's made in his life. I felt horribly out of place, but Neil did too because he's evolved. I felt bad for him for that, but I was also glad for it because I would be horrified if he wanted to go back to his old friends and old ways. I keep saying horrified because it's the only word I can think of to describe how it was for me. And for Riley. He really had a hard time, too. And he did not like Neil's aunt. He cried every single time she picked him up. It's good to know my boy is discerning.

When we got home, Neil stopped in the middle of the living room and sighed that it was so good to be home. Neil has held on to a lot of old stuff from his past, and I think this trip helped him to realize that he needs to let it go now. Family is family, and he will always love his family, but the lifestyle can change. They haven't changed down there in Sacramento, but Neil has. And, he's aiming for better things for our little family.

Now Riley has a cold, poor thing. His cousin got a double ear infection while we were down there - the son of the brother that we were staying with - so I've been nervous about Riley being sick. I called his doctor's office today but they think it's just a virus.

Oh god, I am so glad to be home. And, I am so glad that I was born to two conscientious parents who worked hard to make sure I had a good, healthy life.

Love,
Aislinn

The Move

2008-09-02T22:47:00.000-07:00

The time has come to move. We take all the big stuff to our new house tomorrow. We've been moving all that we can in our car for a week and a half now and have managed to get quite a bit done. I'm trying not to panic. I feel good about our new place, but am having a hard time letting go of our old place. We have also hit some road blocks recently, which have all opened back up, but it's been a tough week.

I'm overwhelmed that we're moving to a new place and Neil is going to be doing his ambulance internship with the City of Redmond soon. He'll be staying with my dad and step-mom in Bend and not coming back as often as we thought because the fire department doesn't think that he should work during his internship as it's very intense (Plus, he's on his motorcycle and he can't drive over the pass in the winter. We have to figure out what he's going to do for transportation down there; he can't ride his motorcycle if it snows). So, now we have to figure out how the heck we're going to make money and how we're going to see each other. He'll be doing his internship through December. And it falls just as we're moving to a new place, so I feel torn whether to stay and really settle into the house - and create a stable place for the baby - or to just get the house unpacked and turn around and stay in Bend for awhile. I don't want to drive back and forth every week.

It will all get figured out, I know, but my mind wants to try to sort everything out now! I do have a tendency, though, to worry and stress about stuff just to have it all work out in the end - and I look back and realize how much energy I wasted worrying about it all. I do feel like I'm getting better about not wasting so much energy, but there is a lot to try to juggle right now and I'm growing weary.

Well, the cable won't be hooked up at our new place until next week, so I won't have Internet access. Plus, we're going to Sacramento this weekend to visit Neil's family for several days. I may try to check in then. Think good thoughts!

Love,

Aislinn

We got it!

2008-08-21T23:48:00.000-07:00

We got the house and we're moving in a little more than a week! Our current landlord said that if we can get out before the first then he won't ask us to pay any rent. We told him we'd be out by the 5th, so we'll end up paying some money, but not as much as if we stayed for the whole 30 days. It's really great of him, and it puts the pressure on us to get moving. Our new place won't be ready until the 1st, so it gives us a little time to pack and they are letting us put things in the garage in the meantime. It doesn't help that we're going away for three days for a family reunion this weekend and that Neil will be working every day, 12 hour days, after we get back until the first. But, we'll get it together. I work better under pressure, though I also don't handle stress very well. Haha, make up your mind lady!

I'm very sad to leave my current neighborhood, though. I would stay here for a long time if our house were bigger. It is simply too small for us with the baby. Change is good, but my heart is sad at the same time. I've lived in my little duplex for nearly five years and have been through a lot here. It is very hard to leave, but we'll be much better off in our new house. HOUSE. Plus, you never know where Neil's job will take us. He could continue to work for AMR here in Portland, but if he can get a job at a fire department somewhere that would be much better. We may not even be in our new house for a year before we move for his work. Or, we could be in it for years to come.

It's also a little scary making a commitment to a house and higher bills. It's hard to trust that we'll have what we need, but I have to. To quote Bob Marley, every little thing's gonna be alright.

Love,
Aislinn

I Heart The Special Olympics

2008-08-19T12:52:00.000-07:00

Neil does a lot of volunteer first aid for the Special Olympics, and he also sings the national anthem for all of the events that he volunteers at. I saw this photo on my screen saver from the Summer games recently and I just love it.

She was so gentle and kind to Riley, she just stood there and petted his little head.

I cry every time I go to an event. The athletes are so genuine and have such amazing spirits. We could all learn a great deal from them - to persevere in the face of adversity. Not only that, but to be so happy while doing it!

Love,

Aislinn

Writing News

2008-08-19T00:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I found out some good news and some bad news about a couple of articles that I wrote for Curve magazine. They WILL be published - I hadn't heard anything for awhile and had this fear that they hated my writing and wouldn't publish my articles. But, they won't be published until early 2009! That was pretty surprising, but the executive editor sounded firm that they would be published (unless that was just her way of putting me off for now. I have too much self doubt). Of course it will be hard to wait, but it's just the way that it is. I really want to find other writing work, but I don't have any clips to show that I've been published, other than a few small clips of reviews that I wrote. But, I'll do my best with what I've got.

House update: I finally got an email back from the landlord of the Milwaukie house. He says that he feels optimistic about our application and will let me know tomorrow...eeeeeeee! Is this really coming together? That makes me excited and nervous.

Love,
Aislinn

On to the next

2008-08-17T23:47:00.000-07:00

Well, we turned down house number one. I just couldn't get comfortable with it. But, I found a house in Milwaukie, really close to the river and Elk Rock Island. It's on a bit of a busy street, but I'm willing to compromise for a location so close to the river. It is a split level house but the living room, kitchen (which is gigantic compared to my current one) and garage are on the main level. Downstairs is a family room, bathroom and utility room and upstairs are three bedrooms and a bathroom. So, we could take the upstairs and my mom could have the downstairs. The house is also not as private as we were hoping for (particularly compared to house number one), but it does have a nice large yard in the back and on the side for the baby to frolic.

I've already turned in the application, but I haven't heard from the landlord yet, and I emailed it to him two nights ago. I don't expect an answer on whether we've been accepted or not yet as he was showing the house to other people this weekend, but an acknowledgment that he's received it would be nice. He just had a baby two weeks ago, though, so I imagine he's more focused on that right now and probably not in a huge hurry to check email over the weekend.

Neil has the day off tomorrow and he's going to gymnastics with Riley and I. I can't wait for him to see how adorable it is.

Love,
Aislinn

We're really movin' now

2008-08-13T12:22:00.000-07:00

Well, it's moving time. We haven't actually found a house yet, but we've been looking for awhile now and I'm finally truly motivated, and nearing excited, about it. I've been flip flopping because the options for us to afford a house right now are to either rent a small house in Parkrose that my ex-step dad's brother owns, or to find a house with my mom. Now, your first thought is probably that it's preferable NOT to live with my mom. However, she would be such a huge help financially and with the baby. But, to be able to live with her, we would need a house with a separate living living/bonus/basement/loft/whatever so that we can each have our own space. As one might imagine, that is not very easy to find - at least not in our price range or location preference. So, it's been a struggle to find the "right" house. Oh, and my ex-step uncle's house is not ready and it is definitely not a priority for him and we're tired of waiting.

We checked out a house a couple days ago and it's just okay. It has a whole separate living area with a bathroom that would be perfect for my mom. And it's very private. The negatives are that we'd have to buy a refrigerator, it's hardwood floors throughout the whole house - which might be nice for some but we have a baby that is getting close to crawling and so we'd need a lot of rugs, which means more of an expense - and there is a huge "sun room" attached to the back of the house. This may seem cool, and it kinda is, but that means there is no back yard...no view of a back yard...just a view, from the bedrooms and living room, of a big room with white walls and a white cement floor. You could get creative with it, but it's just not ideal. Plus, the house just feels kind of funky, for lack of a better word.

So, I mention all that because the owner has several people who want the house, but called us yesterday and said that if we want the house then they'll rent it to us (after paying $40 each, of course, to do a background/credit check). So, I've been going back and forth on whether the house is really right for us. Then, I decided to check craigslist again and found several homes that are right at our max rent level but are nicer than this other home. Not as private, but more updated - and include refrigerators. Which means that now I'm on a mad dash to see all these homes so I can let the owners of the other home know whether we want their house or not.

It's good. I needed something to motivate me. Moving with a six-month-old does not sound fun (plus I really love my neighborhood). But, it's time to bight the bullet and just get movin'. Living with mom will be a good thing. And when it's not, we'll deal with it. Our society is so strange about independence anyways. I mean that in the sense that some see it as a negative thing when a young family lives with a parent(s), perhaps for emotional or financial dependence. But the way I see it is that family is the most important thing in our lives and it's wonderful to be able to help each other.

Well, I gotta run. Baby just woke up and it's time to go see some houses!

Love,
Aislinn

Riley ate on 8/8/08

2008-08-08T18:31:00.000-07:00

Riley had his first solid food today! I gave him a little organic rice cereal mixed with breastmilk and he loved it. It was awkward for him, of course, because he's used to sucking for his food, but overall he did really well. I fed him with one hand and took pictures with the other, as best as I could. Neil was bummed out that he wasn't there for it, but his days off are few and far between and I didn't want to wait any longer.

Working 12 hour days means that he kisses Riley while he's still asleep in the morning and, if I'm able to get him down by nine, kisses him when he gets home. Occasionally Neil gets to see him after he gets home from work, but it's only for a half hour or so. It's not ideal, but it's the way it is. River rescue season is over after Labor Day, though, and Neil will be on to his internship on an ambulance. We don't know where yet. Hopefully Newberg or Redmond. My dad knows the Redmond fire chief and put in a call for Neil and it looks like it might go through. It's much better than Las Vegas or South Carolina, the only other options for PCC students right now. It's slim pickins.

Happy 8/8/08! It's a day to create abundance.

Love,
Aislinn

Picture Perfect

2008-08-05T00:17:00.001-07:00

So, I said at one point that I wasn't comfortable with posting pictures of Riley on the Internet. Then, I posted photos from the shoot with Laura Domela. And now I'm posting another one from today. Riley has a gymnastics class in Beaverton on Mondays (yes, gymnastics, folks. It helps to develop motor skills and it makes him active, lets him play with other babies and it's just plain adorable). And, on the way home, my mom and I usually stop at Babies R Us for diapers or whatever we might be in need of. Well, that store is a vortex for us. We can spend hours in there. I think we spent about four hours in there today. No joke. But, a large part of that was because we decided to do some portraits. Riley was so cute, as always of course. And, because I'm a proud, cheesy mama, I want to share at least one photo:

Picture Perfect

Love,
Aislinn

Mixed Bag

2008-07-28T23:24:00.001-07:00

We just got home from a week and a half at the coast. Neil is doing his Emergency Room clinicals in Tillamook of all places, so me, the baby and my mom headed over too. My dad got us a nice condo in Rockaway Beach for a week, then we moved to a small, pink house in Cape Meares. It was hard to let myself be okay with being gone from home for that long. I really had no reason to be in Portland, I finally realized, and it was refreshing to be in the salty air.

Our week got off to a good start by meeting author Ursula K. LeGuin in Cannon Beach, whose new book Lavinia I bought and read. It's been awhile since I ventured to journey into a book and it was lovely to sit in the sun, listening to the waves while the baby would nap, and read. And of course we went to the Tillamook Cheese Factory, which was rather boring, but we got some good cheese. And the weather was absolutely gorgeous the whole week. I was disappointed by the rudeness of the locals - mostly restaurant servers. Many changed their attitude once their rudeness was brought to their attention, but those moments of creating awareness were awkward, and by the end of the week we were pretty fed up with it.

The week ended roughly, however, when we went to see the lighthouse at Cape Meares and saw a man and a woman trying to find the owner of a red car with Cali plates. Someone had locked their baby in their car. Not, oh shit I just locked the baby in the car! But, oh my baby is asleep so we'll just lock him up in the car while we go sightseeing. I was utterly shocked. Now that I'm a mom, I am more deeply affected by situations concerning babies. I ran over to the car and tried to reach my arm through the small gap of the cracked window to unlock the door. I had my mom try too and she was close, but the man lifted his young son and he was able to reach it. I also tried to call 911 but I didn't have any service. The poor baby was screaming and he had a sweater on. The man pulled him out and took his sweater off and I looked at him and said hi. He gave me the sweetest little unsure smile. Bless his heart. Then, the baby's dad came walking up and didn't understand what the fuss was about. He said that the baby fell asleep just as they got there and they were just going to the lookout. The lighthouse was farther away than he thought and didn't expect to be gone so long. The father didn't even know where the mother and his other child were. They were all just out looking around while their baby screamed in a hot car. The man had an accent that I couldn't place, but I wasn't really focused on that. I was shaking from anger and shock. Beyond the health risk of locking his baby in a hot car, I told the man that the poor baby was also scared. He woke up and no one was there. What is wrong with people? I don't care where you're from, it's not okay to ever deliberately lock a baby in a car. It was so upsetting to me that I broke down and cried. I know the preciousness of a baby now and the situation broke my heart.

So, I left the coast feeling disheartened about my fellow man. Rudeness and unawareness. I wish people would be more conscious. But, I also left with a deeper appreciation of the beauty that is Oregon. And I am grateful that Riley got to experience it's beauty as well.

Love,
Aislinn

Smoking at the Morgue

2008-07-16T23:56:00.000-07:00

So, several years ago I filmed a movie called La Devocion - I've mentioned it before. We filmed at a school in the Brooklyn neighborhood one night. It was a scene where my boyfriend and I had stolen my brother's body from the city morgue and were struggling to carry it. So, I told my boyfriend to stop at some stairs and I sat down and lit a cigarette. He was pretty disgusted that I had lit up, out of breath and all. It's actually a pretty humorous scene.

Well, I was walking the baby the other day and stopped at the stairs where we had filmed.

As I reminisced, I saw the sign posted to the left of the doors. I don't remember it being there when we filmed. But, we did film at night and it was several years ago. So, I moved in closer to see what it said.

I was totally tickled. And I still am. It's just perfect.

Love,

Aislinn

I'm Not Superwoman

2008-07-16T00:04:00.001-07:00

I haven't written in awhile not just because I haven't felt like it, but also because I can't seem to get my hands free long enough to write. My sweet, beautiful son is quite the handful. When Neil or my mom come around, he smiles and laughs and talks. When it's just he and I, he's a pill. I don't know what the deal is. Perhaps he feels my exhaustion from always having to be on with him. Feed him, burp him, change him, clean up his spit up, walk him, bathe him, rock him, play with him, drive with him, swing him, cry with him and, hopefully, sleep with him. Or, if I can't sleep with him, I'm folding laundry, washing dishes, vacuuming the floor, scrubbing the toilet, putting groceries away, cooking dinner, picking up toys, blankets, burp rags and clothes, paying bills and, if I'm lucky, checking email.

Neil said to me tonight, nobody said it would be easy and I'm sure you're doing great. My response: I don't care that it's hard. I don't care that raising a baby is my full time job. In fact, I like that being with my son consumes my whole day (and night). What bothers me is that at times I feel judged for having a messy house or not committing to get-togethers with friends or not putting together a new lamp yet or not taking the new electric toothbrush head out of the package yet. These are brought to my attention and it drives me nuts. It's like people forget that my complete focus is on taking care of my four-month-old son - or when he's asleep, taking care of my basic needs, like eating, peeing and deodorant. Just because I'm not superwoman doesn't mean I'm not multi-tasking like crazy, learning how to do things in half the time I used to do them (maybe even a quarter of the time) and trying to make my son, husband, mother and close friends happy all at the same time.

I'll say it again, I don't mind that it's hard. It will get easier as time goes on. I'm a new mom. It's gonna be rough for awhile. Just don't get on my case about things that you could help with. Because I'm not superwoman and I don't want to be superwoman. And, don't look at me weird when I get bummed out when the baby laughs and smiles for you after he's cried and whined with me for eight hours straight.

But, that's my world and I'm gettin' used to it. I'll have it down just in time for it change.

Love,
Aislinn

Fabulous Family

2008-06-19T12:38:00.000-07:00

I have such a wonderful family. I've been feeling pretty down lately, most likely baby blues type stuff. It comes and goes. This time it lasted for a little longer than usual. Anyways, my mom and Neil decided to treat me to a day in the city and a night on the town. I started by getting a much needed haircut. Not only was my hair too long and fried, but hair holds a lot of energy and I had a lot to let go. So, now it's shoulder length, the shortest it's ever been. It feels so strange to have it so short, but it feels great, too. Then, my mom took me shopping for a new dress to wear to dinner that night with Neil. We had a lovely dinner at Typhoon - I love Thai food - and because the baby won't take a bottle yet, we can't be too far away for too long a time, so Neil got us a room at Hotel Lucia, where Typhoon is. And once the baby went down for the night, Neil and I went and caught a drag show up in the glamour district. He has a co-worker who performs as "The Avon Lady" and he/she was the special guest last night at The D Word show at the Red Cap. It was a blast, I had so much fun. And the show was very funny. I loved watching the drag queens. They are more feminine, and definitely way more fabulous, than I could ever be!

I am so grateful that I have such a loving, supportive, generous family who takes care of me.

Love,
Aislinn

My Beautiful Family

2008-06-12T23:21:00.000-07:00

Well, since I made such a fuss about it, I figured I better share some of our photos from our shoot with Laura Domela. Plus, I'm so proud of my beautiful family!

Love,

Aislinn

Of death and photo shoots

2008-06-10T22:36:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm getting what I want! We have a photo shoot with Laura Domela tomorrow. I followed up with her after my post where I complained that it wasn't coming together. She responded that things were just too busy for her but to hang tight. Then, I got an email a couple days ago that she had time this week. I'm really looking forward it. Riley is so very beautiful and I can wait to see how she captures his beauty.

And, we really need beauty right now. Neil, and my mom, think that he is suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome from the drowning. He says he just can't get the image of the boy going under the water out his head. I'm haunted by it too. Not to the degree that Neil is, of course, but I can see it, even though I wasn't there. It's heartbreaking. Being a mother now makes me understand the true love for a child.

Everything happens for a reason. This child dying. And, our delayed scheduling of the photo shoot. We just have to be patient and the reasons are revealed.

Love,
Aislinn

My First Scare

2008-06-08T18:31:00.000-07:00

My first scare as an EMT wife came yesterday. Neil works for American Medical Response's River Rescue unit. He worked yesterday while I went to a graduation party for one of my cousins (high school graduation - that made me feel old). I had sent a text to Neil and he didn't respond. Not too strange, but when he didn't answer my call later in the day, nor respond to another text, I started to worry. The only reason that he wouldn't respond is if something dire had happened. So, I got on the kgw news website and saw "swimmer drowns at High Rocks." This, of course, was why Neil hadn't responded to me. But, then after another hour or so of still not hearing from him, I started to get paranoid. The news brief was, well, brief and all it said was that a "swimmer" had drowned. A swimmer could be anyone, even the EMT there to rescue people. Neil has gone on and on about how dangerous the water is at High Rocks this year. He has to swim it every morning to know what the river is doing and he says he's scared every time he gets in the water. Well, it flashed through my mind what I would do if something happened to Neil. I tried not to allow my thoughts to go there, but it was entirely possible that Neil could try to save someone and have something happen to him instead. I lump grew in my throat and I was taking deep breaths trying to erase that fear.

When he finally called, I cried a little bit. Nothing like the fear of losing someone to make you realize how much you love them, or how un-important so many things in life are. I will make sure that I always say I love you now when he leaves in the morning.

So, it was a long night. Neil came home late, of course, and we talked about what happened for a while. It was a boy scout outing and a canoe tipped over. A little boy had been thrown a rope by another canoe and when Neil realized that a boy was in the water, he threw his life vest on and jumped in with all his clothes on. Before he got in the water, though, the boy stopped - he was in the water, but stationary. The rope got caught on something in the river and somehow the boy was stuck on the other end of the rope. It pulled him under. Neil missed him on his first pass. He was also freezing in the 43 degree water so he got out, threw his clothes off, put his wetsuit on and called in a drowning to dispatch. The water was too swift where the boy was to get to him. Even the sheriff's search and rescue dive team couldn't reach him and it took about an hour to get him out.

It took awhile for Neil to unwind. It's heartbreaking. The boy was 11-years-old. Neil was frustrated with me that I was so concerned about him when a little boy died, but I didn't know who had died until Neil called and I knew he was alright. He apologized for getting frustrated with me. I don't think he knew how to feel at that point. And he knew that I would worry and he didn't like that.

So, I had my first scare. And Neil had his first fatality on the job. But we both know that it's just the nature of the job. It doesn't make it easier, you just have to prepare yourself that it's going to happen.

Tell those close to you how much you love them, you never know when it could be their time to go. How many times have you heard that? That little boy's parents thought he was coming home to them last night.

Love,
Aislinn

Feeling Silly

2008-06-05T15:01:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and considered deleting my post from last night. After sitting with it last night, I feel that it makes me look selfish and I'd really like to think that I'm not. But, maybe I am. If nothing else, it's made me look at myself and that's why I'm keeping it up. And it has certainly reminded me that there is so much more out there in this world that deserves my attention instead of comparing myself to a friend. I'm not going to pretend that that realization has made my jealousy disappear, but I'm not going to give the jealousy any more energy - I'll try my best, anyway.

I have a stunning life. I truly am grateful for all that I have.

Love,
Aislinn

Spoiled Brat

2008-06-04T23:07:00.000-07:00

So, I have to admit that I find myself a little jealous of my friend that I ran into at New Seasons a few weeks ago. There are actually many similarities between her and me, but she seems - to me anyways - always a step ahead of me. She married a well-known body piercer who is pretty well off and has provided her with a nice car to drive (a mercedes), a nice house (on a 1/2 acre on Mt. Scott) and a budget for shopping (she's quite into fashion - she started to go to college for it, then she met her husband). But it's not just the material things that I envy. Her husband is very dedicated - he and their eldest daughter have special father-daughter nights on their sail boat. They go on vacation quite often - their most recent trip was to Vancouver, BC; it was their 4th time there. She has an amazing circle of friends - her best friend even bought the house across the street so they could live next to each other.

Now, I'm honestly not trying to make this sound like a pity party, but here is my situation in comparison:

I have a 10-year-old Subaru that just had it's speedometer quit working. We live in a tiny, two-bedroom duplex. The last article of clothing that I bought was new underwear when all mine started to rip at the seams while I was pregnant (I'd like to think that it was because they were old, but I think my weight gain played a part in it). My husband is dedicated, for sure. He's so busy going to school, doing his clinicals and working 12 hour days when not in school or at some hospital. We usually see him after 9:30 at night, when he's very tired and just wants to crash. So, it sucks that we hardly get to see him, but he's working hard to support us. For that, I am very grateful. But, I also want my son to see his dad. We've never been to Canada and I've wanted to go to Vancouver for a very long time (I even considered moving there to go to the Vancouver Film School). Yes, we have gone to Hawaii many times to visit my mom, but now that she lives here, I don't see us going there for a very long time. And we certainly don't have the money to go anywhere for a while either. My friends are few and far between, especially since I've had a baby. Plus, my best friend just moved to California.

The most recent thing for me, though, that raises my jealousy is that I have been trying to arrange a trade with an acquaintance that is a professional photographer (she has photographed Storm Large and Wade McCollum, to name a couple - http://www.domela.com/). She said she would do a photo shoot for Riley and I, but she's very difficult to connect with and I haven't heard from her in a couple weeks. Well, I just found out that my friend also knows a pro photographer and they just did a photo shoot for her new baby, and the whole family. I've seen some of the photos and they are amazing. I want photos of Riley so bad!

So, that's why I'm feeling like she's always one step ahead of me. I know I should never compare my life to someone else's. I know I have things that she doesn't, and I also know that everything is the way it should be. And I am so grateful for what I have. I know that I have it much better than many people. I'm ashamed of this jealousy, but I'm trying to figure out why I have it. Neil is always telling me that I'm spoiled. Maybe I am just a spoiled brat (though, in my defense, I have worked hard for a lot of what I have) and I just want more. I don't know what else to say about it at this point, but I'm working on it.

Love,
Aislinn

Back from the 'Bush

2008-05-29T19:21:00.000-07:00

I've been so busy the last week I haven't had a chance to check in. Riley is napping at the moment, albeit fussily, so I may not be able to write long. Riley and I went to Breitenbush Hot Springs the last few days with my mom and it was wonderful. Riley loves being outside. It was so precious the way he gazed up at the trees - he was clearly taken by them. We stayed in a nice warm cabin and made many friends. Having a baby sure does break down many boundaries (which is good for me). We met a couple from Canada (she's Canadian, he's from Ireland) who are expecting a baby as well. She completely fell in love with Riley and her little baby girl kicked whenever she held him. Riley has a girlfriend already!

We also met a couple from Iran. The woman moved here nine years ago when her sister was able to help them get a green card. She moved with her son. It was either to move here or her son would have to go into the military. She was separated from her husband and daughter for five years before they were able to join them. My mom said to her, "wow, did you miss them?" (silly question) and her response was, "Yes, but I had to do it." I didn't detect an ounce of "poor me" in her answer, she was very matter of fact. She didn't even think twice, to save her son. Her story was so touching to me, as I held my son in my arms. My mom asked if I would move across the world to save my son; I would go where ever I had to. I just can't imagine being away from my husband and other child for five years. And it was beautiful to see them together, very supportive and loving. That's commitment. And devotion.

I'm glad to be back, but it's also overwhelming being back with telephones and television and loud appliances and traffic and unconscious people. Breitenbush is one of my favorite places. I am grateful that I was able to take Riley and I hope we get to go often.

Love,
Aislinn

Beautiful Boy

2008-05-16T22:49:00.000-07:00

Riley had his third craniosacral treatment today and he did so good. He was worked on by a student of his normal therapist and Riley just gazed at him and talked and sang. It was so precious, I was so proud. It's such an improvement. We were even able to go out to dinner afterwards and we all got to sit down together, for the most part, instead of one of us walking his fussy butt around the whole time. I still had to get up a couple times, but he was easy about it.

I'm not attributing the shift in his demeanor entirely to the treatments, but I know that they are helping. I have really noticed a shift in Riley in the last few days. Even my mom made the comment that he looks like a little boy now. Uh, yeah, he is a boy, I said. But she meant that he is transitioning from baby to boy; that he's really coming into his body and he is a lot more present. His normal therapist acknowledged that today as well.

There was another baby there today, a little girl. She was so small I though for sure she was only a few weeks old, but she's nine weeks. Riley is ten weeks and twice her size. His doctor says that he is off the charts in his growth. He currently weighs 14 pounds and is 25 inches long. He doesn't look big to me because he is proportionate, but when you put him next to another baby that's the same age, he looks huge. He does have a lot of height in his family. Neil is 6' and my dad is 6'1". I think my dad's hoping for a basketball player. I'm just hoping that he's not lanky and awkward.

Anyhow, it was a really good day. My boy is so beautiful.

Love,
Aislinn

I Really Am Good

2008-05-15T12:01:00.000-07:00

Leah, my friend that I ran into the other night, sent me a link to her blog. She has posted many pictures of her and her new baby and her family. It was so lovely to see her first born all grown up and I had never seen her second born. What struck me, however, was that she had posted the photos in the first place. I am reluctant to post pictures of Riley because he is sacred to me and I don't want to plaster him all over the Internet. This is in no way a negative judgment of Leah, but a chance for me to reflect on myself. Somewhere along the lines I became pretty closed off. A friend of mine came over last night and we gave each other a huge hug and she asked how I was doing. I told her I was doing really good and I had to check myself after I said it. I really did feel good, so why did I question it? Have I become so removed and jaded (am I really?) that I think I'm supposed to exist in a world where something is always amiss? I really don't know where this reluctance to trust that I have a great life comes from. And why wouldn't I want to share this great life with everyone?

It puzzles me. And it saddens me a little, because I used to be really outgoing. When I check in, though, there is a part of me that is fine with being so private. It's just where I'm at right now. But, I can feel something stirring deep down inside that wants to come back out. Like a child that hasn't been allowed to play for a long time. I think having Riley will help me to come out of my shell again. Neil wants him to be around other children and wants me to stop being so anti-social. It's going to take a conscious effort, and a little forcing, but I want that too.

Love,
Aislinn

Old Friends

2008-05-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

If you're ever bored, go to the New Seasons on Division. My mom and I were there last night and we ran into three old friends. The most exciting for me was one of my closest friends from high school. We had lost touch about a year after I moved to Portland from Bend. I have been thinking about her a lot lately and was even going to call my ex high school sweetheart to see if he knew how to get a hold of her. Lo and behold, she, her husband and their two girls moved to Portland a year ago. Her husband is a renowned body piercer and they opened their second shop, Nomad, on Division - the first shop being in Bend. I was so shocked and elated to see her last night. She just had their third child, a boy, two weeks ago. Not only am I happy to reconnect with her because she was a good friend, but because she has children. I am the only one out of my group of friends to have a baby, and, bless their hearts, they try but they just don't understand how much a baby changes your way of being and how you spend your time (of course, I didn't either until I experienced it). My best friend and my godchildren just moved to Carlsbad, CA, which has been hard for me. But, now I have a new connection with an old friend to look forward to.

It got pretty rough with the baby for awhile there. He was very colicky and I have completely changed my diet. No dairy, no gluten, no soy and no leafy green veggies. It's a tough diet (I never realized how much I liked salads until I couldn't eat them), but he's doing much better. He still gets pretty fussy around 6 or 7 in the evening, but it's bearable because we know it will only last for an hour or two. The other challenge that we've been having is that he only recently grew to abhor his car seat. So, nearly every time we go somewhere he screams inconsolably until we get to where we're going or we stop and take him out and walk him around or I try to feed him. It makes going anywhere quite the experience. We went to the coast for Mother's Day and only had to stop once on the way there, but coming back was awful. His screams are like nails on a chalkboard. And it breaks my heart to hear and see him in so much distress. We're meeting my dad at Government Camp this weekend and both Neil and I are dreading the drive.

I can say, though, that no matter how fussy the baby gets or how much he screams, when he smiles at me it erases all frustrations. His smile is the best thing in the world to me.

Things are look up.

Love,
Aislinn

A Free Moment

2008-04-30T20:07:00.000-07:00

Wow, I finally have a moment to write something. My hands have been very full lately. The baby has been colicky - in fact we just took him to the doctor today for it. He has a very sensitive stomach and needs constant holding and comforting. Any free moments that I've had from him have been focused on writing two articles for the magazine. I'm getting paid this time, too. It's been hard to juggle.

My mom is taking Riley for a walk right now and I have dinner on the stove, which I need to get back to. It's so nice to have a quiet house! But, I also feel like a limb is missing.

Love,
Aislinn

Mom Jeans

2008-04-13T21:07:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day that I wore non-maternity jeans. They were a little snug, but I enjoyed seeing my figure again so I tried to ignore any discomforts. I've basically been living in sweat pants, Adidas work out pants and my maternity jeans. I figure after five weeks I should probably try to get back into some of my old clothes. Next thing you know, I'll be wearing Mom Jeans.

Love,

Aislinn

Baby Manicures

2008-04-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

Motherhood is wonderful. Nerve-wracking, but wonderful. I need to grow some balls in some areas, such as clipping Riley's nails. I haven't been able to do it yet. So, I file them down. He is very patient when I do it, most of the time. I keep mittens on his hands, however, because he really likes to go for his face, especially when he's upset. And if his hands aren't covered he leaves long, red streaks on his delicate skin. But, I can't keep his hands covered forever (I do make sure he gets time without mittens on his hands - he likes to hold our fingers). I'm just hoping that the longer I wait, the stronger his nails will be. Until I'm ready, the baby emery boards are working pretty well.

In love,
Aislinn

A Favorite Thing

2008-03-18T14:31:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite things about being a mom so far is the complete trust that my son gives me. After he's fed and burped, he completely relaxes into my arms and can stay there for a couple hours. It is so precious to look down and see him so content - trusting his mommy. The gravity of that trust is still a bit surreal to me, but I am blessed to have it.

Love,
Aislinn

He's Here!

2008-03-11T17:38:00.000-07:00

Riley Stephen Clevenger was born on Saturday, March 8 at 12:37. He weighed 8 pounds, 9 ounces and was 20" long. He has huge hands and feet and the sweetest little face. I am exhausted and sore - truly the craziest thing I have ever done - but Riley is absolutely wonderful. I'll write more later.

Love,
Aislinn

Word Choice

2008-03-01T18:37:00.000-08:00

I've been struggling with word choice in my writing lately. I don't have an expanded vocabulary, first of all. But, I've also been feeling frozen when simply trying to choose words to get my thoughts on paper (or screen). I've written several reviews recently for the magazine and it's really been a struggle to sort my thoughts out. I got pretty frustrated yesterday over a review and when I begrudgingly read it to my mom, she didn't understand what was wrong with it. Perhaps I'm just worried that the magazine won't like my writing and so I put too much thought into it. But, they are making me a (paid) reviewer and they just gave me my first freelance assignment. I wouldn't think that I would be getting those opportunities if they didn't like what I was submitting.

I know that I'm not mistaken regarding my limited vocabulary. I read an article in a writer's magazine yesterday about how important choosing the right words is - how "selecting the right word that conveys just the right meaning and can't easily slip over into some other meaning entirely - that is a writer's job." Even now, I'm having a difficult time finding the words to express why that sentence creates a feeling of inadequacy in me, but suffice it to say that it does.

I know that I get stuck in my head way too easily and too often, which gets in my way a great deal - in all aspects of my life, not just my writing. Perhaps it's as simple as inexperience and that the more I write, the more I'll expand. I dunno. I don't want to get too caught up in trying to figure out why. I'm just trying to be aware.

Love,
Aislinn

Precious Moments

2008-02-26T17:54:00.000-08:00

The most precious moments in my life come when I'm with my family. Neil came home from school today and laid down to take a nap. I joined him on the bed and soon our cat curled up next to me, her head on my leg. Lying there with my husband, my cat and our baby in my belly, I felt complete. I am so grateful for the beautiful beings that I am blessed to have in my life.

Love,
Aislinn

Boob/Jobs

2008-02-25T15:09:00.000-08:00

A couple mornings ago I had a dream that I had gotten a boob job. Never previously having an interest in having breast enhancement surgery, I was surprised to find how sexy I felt. Also in my dream, I had already had my baby and I had slimmed and shaped my body into a sexy figure and the large breasts were the final piece. It felt good to be a mom and be so sexy. I think the message of the dream is you can have a life after having a baby. Just because I'll be a mom doesn't mean I'm going to be forever frumpy (nor does it mean that I'll be a bad mom if I focus on being and feeling attractive). Plus, I know that it will be important to continue to pursue what I really want to be doing, which is writing, editing and acting. I want to be a stay at home mom, but I mean that in the sense that I still want my work, with the flexibility of doing most of it from home (the writing and editing, anyhow). I want to be present in my son's life. I absolutely do not want to put him in someone's care while I work away from home all day. But, I also need to know that if something that I love doing comes up, then I have the ability/flexibility to leave him in my mom's care to fulfill my needs as well - and that it's okay to do so.

A large contributor to my fears of becoming a mother is being responsible to this being for the rest of my life (a normal fear, I'm sure). But, that doesn't mean that I have to lose my responsibility to myself. The message of the dream is important to me in that sense.

Love,
Aislinn

Not Yet

2008-02-18T11:18:00.000-08:00

Well, no baby yet. I did have a small concern come up and they sent me to labor and delivery to get checked out. I knew everything was fine, but this stage is so cautionary. I was sent home, of course, but I got to experience being hooked up to all the monitors and being felt up by a complete stranger. It was actually a good experience on the whole as it took a lot of the unknowns out of the delivery room for me. And our nurse was very patient and helpful and she answered a lot of questions for us.

Now that my mom is here, I've been more active than I have been throughout my whole pregnancy. She's very helpful around the house - though it was really hard for me to relinquish control over how I like things to be done. She insists that I don't help her with cleaning and cooking, but then she'll set me up with a set of exercises that tire my already aching bones. I know she knows what she's doing, but if I'm going to be active, I'd rather be cleaning my house the way I'm used to. Admittedly, however, cleaning is more draining on my body as a whole then the exercises she has me doing. Whenever I vacuum - as simple of an action as it may seem - I feel like I'm going to go into labor...hmmmm, I'll have to keep that in mind.

So, I don't expect the baby to come real soon, though I definitely don't think that it will be too long, and certainly before his due date. Of course, that could only be wishful thinking, but my gut feeling is that he's ready to come sooner. He's getting into position, that much is clear.

Love, Aislinn

Dilating!

2008-02-11T20:35:00.000-08:00

I have started to dilate, which means that I could go into labor at any time. I'm 36 weeks, and while 38 weeks would be preferable to 36, my doctor said that if I went into labor, they wouldn't try to stop me. I've only dilated to 1 cm, so I'm hoping that if I can do a self-imposed bed rest, then the baby will wait a couple more weeks. I still have some things that I want to complete around the house, but once I feel that things are taken care of, I'm going to try to take it easy.

Going to Pat's memorial service this weekend took a lot out of me, physically and emotionally, and I began to feel...different. That's a vague statement, but I could tell that something was different - both with the baby and with my body. Before my doctor's appointment today, as I was deep cleaning the bathroom (nesting), I kept thinking, it's going to be soon.

My doctor said to go home, pack my hospital bag and get the car seat ready. On the way home I vacuumed my car out and detailed the interior to make sure everything is clean and ready. Neil set up the stroller and car seat; I packed my bag and a bag of baby items. I also paid a few bills to make sure they're covered and called a few family members to warn them that Riley might be coming soon. My mom arrives from Hawaii in two days and she's nervous that I'll go into labor before she gets here.

Now we just wait. Either we get all excited and nothing happens for a couple weeks, or the baby comes tomorrow. Right now, I'm going to take a bath and try to relax.

Love,
Aislinn

RIP

2008-02-07T12:40:00.000-08:00

Neil's best friend passed away yesterday morning. He had been in the hospital in Central Oregon for a couple weeks and was actually looking well enough to go home in a few days. There were still some major concerns regarding an esophageal hernia that had plagued him since early last year (he went into surgery four times in the last two weeks) and his doctors were beginning to consult with OHSU. Until they figured out a better solution, they felt that he was well enough to go home. Then, things went south yesterday morning and he passed pretty quickly. Though we knew the situation with his esophagus was not good, it was still a shock that he died so quickly.

Pat Daly was a hero to Neil. He took him in when Neil had nowhere to go after moving up to Oregon from California to create a new life for himself. (Really, Neil's story seems fictional - something you would see made into a Hallmark film. I even began to write a screenplay about it when I took a screenwriting class in college, but only made it through the first act.) Pat was a well-known cowboy in Central Oregon; a bronc riding champ in his younger years. A constant presence on the rodeo circuit. In his later years he owned the Crooked River Dinner Train, which runs between Redmond and Prineville. This is where he put Neil to work as a server/performer then later as the office manager - before Pat sold it to the City of Prineville in 2005. And, if locals don't know Pat's name through the rodeo or the train, then they know of the Daly name through his brother, who has been the county commissioner since 2001.

Pat and I didn't care much for each other at first. I didn't feel that his constant drinking was good for Neil to be around. Plus, he had insulted my mom a few times. He was a cowboy who didn't believe in the "fru fru" spiritual things that my mom did, even though he practiced some of the Native American principals that his daughter (who is a good friend of my mom's) introduced him to. And thank goodness he did, because he brought Neil to a very important ceremony and that's where he and I met and fell in love. But even though he respected the Native American path, there were still aspects that he didn't understand or agree with - so he looked at it as, you take some, you leave some. I was fine with that. It was his rude comments or disrespectful actions, primarily when he was drinking, that I wouldn't put up with. You don't have to agree with my spirituality, but don't disrespect it, or my mom.

I don't know what it was about me that Pat had an aversion to. Perhaps it was just that I threatened to take his best friend away. Someone who was like his son. He tried to convince Neil not to propose to me. But, Neil did and soon moved to Portland to live with me. He felt like he was abandoning Pat, who was getting older and did best when he had a helping hand, especially with all his horses. I didn't feel bad for Pat, not one bit. Knowing Neil's past, I felt that Pat was irresponsible with his actions and that it was best for Neil to have some separation from him.

A couple years after Neil moved to Portland, we went to a vision quest camp on Pat's property along the Deschutes River, outside of Redmond. Neil had just been nationally certified as an EMT and he brought his framed certificate to share his accomplishment with everyone. When Pat came down and Neil placed that certificate in his hands, Pat was very pleased. I think a part of him had expected Neil to fail in Portland and come running back to Central Oregon. After congratulating Neil, Pat asked me to step aside with him and told me that he gave me a lot of credit for helping Neil to achieve a great accomplishment. He said that I was a very strong woman for putting up with Neil and keeping him in line to succeed and that he really respected me for that. His words made me cry. It was a long two years and Neil and I had many struggles. Plus, I never felt respected by Pat so it meant a lot for him to acknowledge me in that way. We hugged and made good. Pat was Neil's best man at our wedding.

Pat stopped drinking after his first surgery on his esophagus. Every time we saw him after that, he was clear and bright and really enjoyable to be with. He went into the hospital a couple weeks ago with pneumonia, which they soon found was caused by a tear in the esophagus again. Neil sat in the hospital for three days, waiting to see Pat and trying to support his family. One of Pat's daughters (not one that we're close to) refused to let Neil into the ICU. As with many families when someone is seriously ill or close to death, there was a lot of drama going on and Neil was sucked into it. But, he still showed up and waited. Finally, on the third day, she let Neil in. Pat was pretty out of it, but he squeezed Neil's hand and acknowledged that he was there.

I am so glad that Neil got that very brief opportunity to see and touch Pat. I really don't think that anyone thought that he would die so soon.

I can honestly say that I was honored to know Pat. He had a fascinating life. And, in the end, if it weren't for Pat, Neil and I may never have met. Plus, he did, aside from a few poor decisions, help Neil to create a better life for himself. And for that, I am forever grateful.

Love,
Aislinn

Avoiding Linguistic Discrimantion

2008-01-31T14:06:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine who is a software developer in Seattle created a little video for a linguistics class. Here it is on youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8rSCU-j_X4

It made me giggle.

Enjoy,
Aislinn

Baby Shower

2008-01-28T13:35:00.001-08:00

My aunt threw me a baby shower yesterday. It went much better than I had originally expected. This aunt is diabetic and tends to be a bit on the spacey side. But, she did a wonderful job, with tons of food and some inventive games. There weren't a lot of people that showed up as apparently many invitees never received their invitations (which could lead another aunt to throw another shower for me). I was grateful to be so supported by those who were there, though. A lot has happened in my life lately, with the wedding and the baby, and the same people keep showing up. They may not be in my day to day life as much as I'd like, but when it comes to showers, ceremonies, b-days, parties, etc., they're there. I am blessed.

The baby's room is coming together now. We have all the "big stuff" except a stroller/car seat, but I know it will come soon. My mom will get the baby one, but I'd like to see if I can find a nice used one first. No use in spending $150 on something that the baby will grow out of pretty quickly (for the system that I'm looking to start with, anyways). Getting all the onesies and diapers and pacifiers in place makes having a baby much more real and I'm finding a deep joy inside. I can't possibly know what to expect, though my mind tries. I'm swirling in excitement, wonder and fear.

Love,
Aislinn

My First Review

2008-01-26T16:30:00.001-08:00

I just sent off my first review for Curve Magazine. I wrote a sidebar review on two green living guides. I am very happy that I get to write reviews for the magazine...next up I get to write three reviews on new DVDs, two documentaries and a stand-up comedy show. I'm a little apprehensive about this first review as I want to make a good impression, but it is what it is. I tend to be a "put-er in-er", as my husband calls me, so it's going to be a real exercise for me to keep my writing clear and concise. I'm looking forward to it, though.

Enjoying the experience,
Aislinn

The Oscars

2008-01-23T13:10:00.001-08:00

After the Oscar nominations come out, I usually begin a mad dash to see as many of the nominated movies as I can. This year, however, I have little interest in seeing most of the films. Some of the lack of interest comes from not wanting to spend the money - as in, feeling like it can be spent better elsewhere right now as we prepare for baby. But, mainly it's that many of the nominated films seem pretty dark and that aspect just doesn't interest me right now. Having said that, though, I'm not against dark films. (The only genre of film that I discriminate against is horror. I will not subject myself to sitting through a movie that is either going to scare the shit out of me (or attempt to) or make me feel like I'm waisting my time.) Pregnancy is the culprit here. I am in a loving, gentle, sensitive state (or attempting to be) and many of the films seem offensive to that state right now. Plus, being prone to moodiness and highly emotive, I am trying to keep myself surrounded with positivity and attending dark films is not in that scope.

The films that I do want to see are:

- Michael Clayton
- Juno
- Charlie Wilson's War
- Into the Wild

Plus, I've only seen four of the nominated films (American Gangster, The Bourne Ultimatum, Ratatouille and Pirates of the Caribbean) - the fewest amount for me then in previous years heading into the final stretch. I'll just have to settle for not having a clue as to who deserves the awards. Seems to appropriately accompany the overall feeling of this awards season with the effects of the writer's strike. It's just not the same.

Love,
Aislinn

Long Weekend

2008-01-20T21:53:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling a little out of sorts this evening. It was a very full, very dramatic, very emotional weekend. A friend in the hospital. An ailing step-mother. Multiple family dramas. A wonderful gift and honor given to Neil from our spiritual family. I feel like I was the glue trying to hold everything together for the last three days and now I'm having a bit of a let down. It is very difficult not to get sucked into other people's fear and suffering. I thought I had held my own pretty well this weekend, but now that I'm home I'm feeling the places in myself that I let it infiltrate. I'm just reflecting on how tricky we can be with ourselves.

Pushing through my issues,
Aislinn

Pregnancy, Birth and Motherhood

2008-01-08T13:31:00.000-08:00

I've been sitting at my computer for some time now, trying to think of something to write about. I have the time and the inclination, but nothing is coming to fruition for me. With this blog, I still struggle with "who really cares?" or "is it interesting?". I guess I don't feel like I very often have anything useful to say, or have an interesting opinion to express. Right now in my life, everything is about baby and motherhood. I have five books on my coffee table that I'm reading about pregnancy and childbirth. There is the popular What to Expect While You're Expecting, the technical The Female Pelvis: Anatomy and Exercises, the overwhelming Healthy Eating During Pregnancy, the rarely touched The Everything Birthing Book and the very informative but get-to-the-point-already Hypnobirthing. Plus, three baby-centered magazines and two pregnancy-centered journals. With such reading materials, I don't exactly have any ah-ha moments that make me want to run to the Internet to blog about how I should be doing exercises to stretch my perineum to try to prevent tearing during delivery or express my naive opinion of certain birthing (and after birthing) practices.

I wouldn't even have written the above paragraph, but I felt like writing and it was all I could come up with in the moment. If nothing else, this short entry helped me to continue my efforts in breaking my habit of spacing twice after periods. That's how I was taught, but now standard practice is to space only once and it is a habit that is proving very difficult for me to let go of.

Now, I'm off to the grocery store.

Love,
Aislinn

Baby Steps

2008-01-03T11:56:00.001-08:00

I woke up this morning to Riley kicking the underside of my right lower ribs. Space is getting tight in this little tummy of mine. The baby's head lies just to the left of my pubic bone and his feet constantly tread the entire right side of my body. In fact, oftentimes I jump involuntarily from the tickling sensation of his foot rubbing up and down my side, or from the sudden, explosive kicks he delivers to my ribs. And, when he's really movin', it's stunning to watch my skin mold into the outline of his heal as he stretches. I can't even bend over any more without doubling over onto his little feet.

What a truly amazing experience it is to have a living, moving being inside of me. It can be scary, too, because I know that he's just going to get bigger and I already feel like there's not much more room to grow! I don't understand how some women can go a whole eight months and not know that they're pregnant - or even a few months without knowing. It dumbfounds me. There was a girl in Washington recently, who was at work at McDonald's and suddenly became ill. Her co-worker followed her into the bathroom and asked if she was pregnant, and the girl responded no. Then, in the next our, the co-worker helped to deliver a baby from this girl while on the phone with 911. How can you be so out of touch with your body and your self to not know that you have a living, moving being inside of you? But, I digress...

Because Riley moves so much, if I become aware that he has been completely still for a lengthy amount of time, I'll rub right where he keeps his feet, just to make sure he's alright, and he'll gently nudge me back. I can't wait to see my little boy and watch his personality unfold and build a relationship with him. I know we've already started on the latter, but being able to see him and hold him will make it much more potent. I have plenty of fears of childbirth and motherhood, but I bring myself back to the simplicity of his foot steps across my belly and I melt like butter.

Love,
Aislinn

The Arnett's

2007-12-28T15:48:00.001-08:00

Grandpa Arnett, my mom's dad, passed away on July 18, 2007. Neil and I were with him the day he died, though he actually passed an hour after we left. The next morning we found out that we were pregnant. My poor mom's response to the news that she was going to be a grandma, not even 24 hours after her dad died, was, "it's too many shocks at once."

It was a strange time. We were happy to be having a baby, but it was difficult to celebrate with the fresh death of a very beloved family member. The baby helped with the grieving, however. We were being shown the cycle of life...that no matter what struggles you may face, life goes on and many wonderful things happen; even in the midst of sadness.

We were also shown this again when, two months later, Grandma Arnett passed away four days before Neil and I got married. I became known in her nursing home as "the one who's getting married in October," as it was grandma's goal to get strong enough to travel to Central Oregon for the ceremony - and it was all she'd talk about. It's amazing how life plays out, though. My mom already had her trip from Hawaii planned for the wedding and was able to be with grandma when she died. And, though her death was painfully fresh on our wedding day, it was also nice to be able to celebrate her spirit instead of worrying about her physical condition.

My mom's step-sister sent a CD of old photos of my grandpa, which is why I'm sharing all this. Looking at the pictures of him made me smile and it brought a touch of sadness. I feel that I handle death well, but with how much was going on at the time of both of my grandparents' deaths, I've wondered if I was truly able to "recover" that quickly, or if the events in my life were just big enough distractions. There was probably a bit of both going on. I do know that I'm happy that they are not suffering in their bodies anymore. But, I do miss them and I'm sad that my children won't know them.

I thought I'd share a photo of my grandpa...we think I got my curly hair from him...

Love,
Aislinn

The Lone Ranger

2007-12-27T19:35:00.000-08:00

Being pregnant, I have become increasingly more introverted. My path has been leading to introversion for quite some time now, but now that I'm not working and spending most of my day at home, there are times that I feel in complete isolation. Until, that is, Neil gets home from work at 8 and we eat dinner together and watch whatever god-awful shows are on television.

I've had offers to go to Lake Oswego to spend the day with my god-sons and their dad. I've only gone when their mom, my longest friend, is there too. Not for any other reason then if I'm going out to them, I'd like to spend time with her too. They very rarely come to see me. Most of the time, I prefer to be alone. After Riley is born, I will rarely have time alone so I'm trying to enjoy it while I have it. But, some times I feel lonely and begin to feel sorry for myself (one of my many faults: "poor me" syndrome). However, though I may be able to call a friend for lunch or even just coffee, my introversion keeps me at home. I simply don't have the desire to gab with a friend over food or a drink that I don't want to spend money on. That statement makes me laugh at myself. It's silly, but it's the way that I am.

I don't want to say that it's my friends that I have a lack of interest in...but it's part of it. I've had a few interactions lately that make me want to step back for a little awhile and let things air out. Out of my main group of five lady friends (and their husbands/boyfriends), I'm the first to have a baby. While in general they are all supportive, some are actually less supportive than I expected and some seem clueless. Not every woman instinctively knows what it's like to be pregnant (I am certainly one of them, learning as I go), but some of the ladies seem to lack even basic common sense about it. I hope that doesn't seem like a harsh judgement of my friends, but it's how I feel and it's certainly contributing to my introversion.

We had a really nice holiday party at our house and that felt good. Though, I know that it will be a month before I see many of them again, at the monthly dinner party. Then, come March, I'll be out of the loop for group gatherings for awhile. I know some friends will follow with children in a year or so, but for now, I feel like the Lone Ranger. I don't think that that is a bad thing, but it's not exactly comfortable right now either.

Love,
Aislinn

Curve

2007-12-15T10:30:00.000-08:00

I will soon be one of the editorial interns for Curve magazine - the best-selling lesbian magazine, based out of San Francisco. The Executive Editor, Diane, lives and works here in Portland and flies to SF when needed. I will be working closely with her. It's a non-paying internship but I am thrilled to learn the ins and outs of publishing and editing. Even though I have an English degree and completed an editing course, I don't have any professional experience, nor the confidence to put myself out there as an "editor" for hire. Diane told me that I probably had the least experience of all the candidates but that she really appreciated the spirit of what I am trying to do. My ultimate goal, for the near future, is to raise my children and to work as an editor from home (and do acting work - I have no plans on ignoring my desire to act). I am truly happy that she supports that - and they have a writer for the magazine who does the same thing.

My orientation is this Tuesday, then Diane wants to take a break until the new year. Essentially, I will only be working for two months, as the baby is due in mid March. I'm not sure whether she'll want me to come back after the baby is born. I'm hoping that the internship may lead to other possibilities with the magazine, such as writing, which could extend my time with them. Even in just two months, I'm sure I'll learn an immense amount. Curve's internships are very hands-on and thorough, according to Diane. She said that most magazines will just sit an intern down with a stack of submissions and say, read! Curve, however, wants to help cultivate a career for their interns - if not inside the company, then they at least want them to leave with experience and a glowing recommendation to help them find other work. At this point (as it is with most things in life), it's difficult to see how I will walk away from this, but that's what makes it so exciting. The possibilities are completely open, as far as I'm concerned, and I'm going to make the most of that.

While I am eagerly looking forward to learning and working in the field, I am also struggling with two main fears right now. The first being that I'm not good enough (that my editing skills will not be up to par) and that I won't have the energy for the work as I get closer to giving birth (I'm sure it won't be all sit-down work, I'll probably have my fair shair of running errands). My belly is growing quickly and I've gained over 20 pounds, which is a lot for me (though, I would like to say that I think I still look pretty lean for being pregnant, thank you universe!). However, I am working on letting those fears go. Diane knows I have no experience so I'm sure she knows the risk there. And, though I don't think she has children, I'm sure she'll completely understand if I go through dips in energy. All I can do is be honest and humble - yet be confident in the abilities that I do have.

I am blessed to have this internship and I look forward to experiencing the pieces of the puzzle falling into place.

Love,
Aislinn

National Anthem

2007-12-14T22:51:00.000-08:00

Neil sang the National Anthem at the Blazers game tonight, it was quite fun. He got his own dressing room, we got to be on the court with the players during warm ups (for the mike check) and it was great to hear the announcer say his name to a supposedly sold out crowd.

It was a big moment for Neil. His many turns as National Anthem singer for the Special Olympics games finally paid off when he was asked to sing at the Blazers Street Jam this summer. There, he met the man who books the talent for the Blazers. After months of emailing and calling this man, his assistant finally emailed and told Neil that they wanted him to sing at tonight's game against the Jazz. I was so proud of him. And, the Blazers won! It was a good game.

We returned from our visit to my mom in Hawaii two days ago. It was hard to leave, of course, but at least we had something to look forward to.

Love,
Aislinn

One Year

2007-11-27T19:45:00.000-08:00

One of my central beliefs in life is that everything happens for a reason. Being pregnant right now certainly has me wonder nearly every day what the meaning of the timing is. It is very tricky for me to not stress now about events that may occur in several months.

We went to Neil's paramedic program orientation tonight. The head of the Emergency Medical Services department told us to take a good look at our spouse because it's the last time that we'll get a good, long look at them for a year. Neil starts the program in January and it is rigorous, according to the program coordinators. I knew well before I was pregnant that I wouldn't see much of Neil during his year-long program, so that was no shock. The issue that comes to mind is that I'm due March 12 - which is the week before finals for Neil.

Surprisingly, I'm not too stressed out about it. I know the situation. I know what Neil needs to do. My mom will be here, as will a few of my good friends, so I'll have help. I worry about Neil. But, that's when I remind myself that it's happening for a reason.

What stresses me out is the financial situation that we may be in during that time. With neither Neil or I working when the baby comes, depending solely on Neil's financial aid, half of which is being eating up by tuition and books (he has ten required books and eight recommended), I worry nearly every day about how we will support ourselves. I know that I have to trust that everything will work out, but that is really hard for me right now. I don't know what our actual financial picture will look like in March, yet three months ahead I'm already stressed! This is when trusting that everything happens for a reason gets harder.

What keeps me faithful, however, is that it's only one more year and then Neil will have the tools to create a long career in the EMS field. One year is a snapshot in time. Yes, a whole hell of a lot will happen in that one year but right now it feels like, after it's over, we have the rest of our lives.

(Trying to) Keep the faith,
Aislinn

My Favorites

2007-11-17T14:41:00.000-08:00

We recently received the photos that our good friend Dave Herbertson took at our wedding. He's not a "pro" but to say that photography is his hobby would be an understatement. I just want to share some of my favorites...

Haunted by Hurlyburly

2007-11-16T16:27:00.000-08:00

I am still haunted by a scene I worked on with my acting coach when I first started scene study with him a few years ago. I was checking email today and listening to music and something took me back to it. We were working on a scene from Hurleyburley - a play that he seemed particularly fond of. I'm still disappointed with my work on it. At the time, I was really focused on it and struggling to not judge my work. I was too worried about not wanting to let my partner - who was ultimately my coach - down. One day I'll truly get that that's not what it's about, and I'll stun even myself with my work.

I remember so clearly one rehearsal in particular. I was finding things and I was excited about it. Then, my partner picked me up and put me on my back on the couch. It was a wonderfully impulsive move and it gave me so much - and I froze. Looking up at my coach, I was too afraid to do what I really wanted to do. I allowed myself to get disconnected and I still think about what I could have - even should have - done. I wish I could go back to that moment and play with it.

Just reminds me that I need to jump in with both feet; not put one foot in and keep one foot out for security. Which, of course, is what I do in life as well.

Love,
Aislinn

What's Missing?

2007-11-08T12:13:00.000-08:00

Several days ago I watched a Charlie Rose interview with Russell Crowe, Denzel Washington, Ridley Scott and Brian Grazer about American Gangster. I wasn't thrilled with the film, so I wanted to hear what their insights were. I didn't walk away from the interview feeling much better, there was a lot of back patting (basically, neither Crowe nor Washington would have done the film if Ridley Scott were not on board). However, Russell Crowe made a statement that was so basic (presumably, in the world of acting anyways) but it had an "ah-ha" affect on me. When asked by Rose what intrigued him about Richie Roberts, Crowe responded that there was nothing on the page that intrigued him about the character; it was what was missing.

I'm sure I have heard so many times in my past acting class that when reading a script that it's important to pay attention to what is on the page, but also to look for what is not there - but I never disciplined myself to do so automatically.

Crowe went on to state that what intrigued him the most about Richie Roberts was how he figured out how to take down such a notorious man. It wasn't about all the things that he did know about Frank Lucas, it was about figuring out what he didn't know.

I wish I could go back and re-read then re-work scenes that I've done in acting class with a greater attention to what is on the page and to what is not. I have long felt that I need more practice reading scripts. Perhaps, if I find myself so inclined, I will pick a few up to work on.

Love,
Aislinn

A Bone to Pick

2007-11-04T09:02:00.000-08:00

Neither Neil or I are very fond of bicycle riders right now. In light of the recent bicyclists who have been hit, the conduct that Neil and I have experienced of bicyclists in the last two days is frustrating and stupid. It would be frustrating even if there hadn't been any bicycle accidents recently, but I would think that bicyclists would have a heightened awareness (we certainly do). What we have experienced has been anything but.

Two nights ago Neil and I went to see American Gangster at the Lloyd Center. We were at a stop light on Grand waiting to turn right. Our light turned green and a bicyclist on the cross street ran his red light. He rode across four lanes of traffic when we had a green light. It's a good thing I was paying attention and didn't turn or I would have hit him - actually, he probably would have ridden into the side of my car. Neil decided to roll down the window and yell at the man that he had run a red light, and when he did, the man responded with a lovely "fuck you". He was not wearing a helmet, it was dark, he wore no reflectors and didn't have a single light on his bike and he ran a red light, across four lanes of traffic, and he's yelling fuck you at us? That pissed me off. Especially because you know that if he had gotten hit, he would be seen as the victim. Screw us automobiles and those who don't "see bicyclists" or don't "share the road". I mean, what gives?

Then, last night, on our second attempt to see American Gangster (it was sold out the first night), we were driving down SE 12th to the Lloyd Center and just before Hawthorne a bicyclist ran through a stop sign and rode right in front of us. Neil had enough time to react, but it didn't change the fact that it was dark and she didn't stop - she was a little too close for comfort. Then, after the movie, on the drive back, at the same cross street, another bicyclist blew through her stop sign and Neil actually had to hit the breaks relatively hard. Not only that, but she was gabbing away on her cell phone. It's dark, she runs a stop sign and she's talking on her cell. Again, what gives?

Now, I'm not a bicycle rider (besides the occasional recreational ride), so perhaps I can't empathize with them, but why the stupidity and disregard for traffic signs (that we automobiles have to obey) and complete disrespect when their poor riding choices are brought to their attention? It truly frustrates me. Neil and I are pretty aware when we drive, but if we hadn't been in the last couple of days (which, if you ask me, most drivers are not very aware), then we might have been in the news and there would have been yet another bicycle "victim." It takes two, people.

Pregnant and cranky,
Aislinn

My Love

2007-10-29T22:28:00.001-07:00

It's a Boy!

2007-10-26T12:02:00.000-07:00

Neil and I just found out this morning that we're going to have a boy! I knew it was a boy, but it's so nice to know for sure - and see the evidence.

So, Riley Stephen Clevenger is due on March 12, 2008 (we already had his name picked out, I was that sure that it was a boy).

I'm going to have a son. It feels so crazy and yet so good to say that!

Love,
Aislinn

That's Mrs. Clevenger to you!

2007-10-08T13:18:00.000-07:00

I am a married woman. Neil and I had our beautiful ceremony at Brasada Ranch in Powell Butte on Saturday the 6th and it went really well. We had a lot of fun and it was wonderful to be so supported. I've been running on adrenaline for the last few days and now that we're back, I am totally drained and Neil came down with a cold last night. We leave for our honeymoon in Cancun on Friday, so we have a few days to rest up, unpack, pack, visit with my mom and then we can go have fun!

Perhaps I'll write more about the wedding at a later date. For now, I'm going to go take a nap!

Love,
Aislinn

The Stripper

2007-09-23T12:30:00.000-07:00

Well, last night was my bachelorette party and I was apprehensive of the male stripper set to arrive at 9:30. And since I couldn't drink, I was the only sober one in the room. My girlfriends were drinking heavily, trying to be as blasted as possible when he arrived, but they didn't have much time. The stripper actually showed up 20 minutes early and Jacqui, one of my bridesmaids, asked him to go to the bar on the corner, get a drink, and come back in 20. Nicely, he did. And when he did come back, I was not expecting what I got.

This short man walks into the house as twangy banjo music begins to blare through the speakers. He wore brown Carhart over-alls and his mullet wig hung to his torso. I was aghast that Jacqui had actually found a male stripper with a mullet wig (I have a particular obsession with mullets/fullets; I don't know where it started, but I find them hideously delightful). I began to laugh hysterically and then felt bad when "Maximus" called me out on it. He'd understand if he knew me. Even in his get up, it was certainly rude to laugh at the man the minute he walked through the door.

As Maximus started "dancing", I couldn't tell if the ladies were horrified or hot for him. He was cute and had a nicely toned body with many tattoos, and thankfully he wore tight, black shorts - not the bright banana hammock I was dreading. I think what shocked us, however, was that we expected him to simply dance, not throw his leg above our heads and jiggle his crotch in our face, or snort at us like a bull then run full speed and straddle us - his chest smacking us in the face - or to pick me up, whip me around and hump on me, doggy style. Since I've never experienced a private stripper, I suppose I didn't know what to expect. But, honestly, it was not hot for me. I was rather horrified at times. Though, what I did find particularly joyful was watching this man wipe his sweaty body all over my friends (I stood up after awhile and tried to inconspicuously hide behind a chair). I stuffed many dollars in my girlfriends' cleavage and down their pants so the stripper would keep busy with them.

When it came time for my final dance, however, I sat back on the couch and prepared myself to enjoy it. As Maximus shimmied and shook his perfect buns in my face, my friend Nancy popped out from the back of the house in her bra and thong and joined the shimmying. I don't think Maximus knew what to do. He faltered a bit in his rhythm, but soon enjoyed Nancy smacking his ass while she shoved her own in my face. Now, that was awesome!

We all cooled down for a bit, then a second attempt to dance and a hard on later, Jacqui politely excused Maximus from any further service and we got back to our drinking games. Man, I have never drunken so much 7-up!

Love,
Aislinn

Whirlwind

2007-09-21T23:16:00.000-07:00

Life has been a whirlwind lately with planning the wedding. My old boss threw a cocktail party for Neil and I tonight. It was nice to see everyone, though I was tired and certainly not the life of the party. Tomorrow is my bridal shower in the morning and my bachelorette party that night - where there will be a male stripper. Honestly, I'd rather have a female stripper, but obviously my friends would rather have a man undulate in front of them. Now, I love men. But, I'm just not thrilled to have their junk flapping in my face in a bright banana hammock. However, I'm not complaining as I know it will be fun - my friends will make it fun.

We're only two weeks out from the wedding and I can't wait to stop planning and just experience the day. I only wish I had more energy to get everything done. The main affect of my pregnancy so far is the fatigue. Plus, I wake up at five in the morning (as if my body is preparing me for little sleep and waking in the middle of the night) and it takes me awhile to fall back asleep. It's a bit of a vicious cycle - I am so grateful that I don't have to work. I have so much more respect for working moms - or even pregnant women that work. Because, I'm tired! But at least I don't have to get up early in the morning and work all day. I really am grateful.

Anyways...15 days and counting...

Love,
Aislinn

La Devocion at Rooftop Films

2007-08-29T15:11:00.000-07:00

La Devocion, the very first film that I was in, is premiering at Rooftop Films in Brooklyn this Saturday. The film is rough. We had no crew and when I filmed, it was basically me, the director and the other lead actor. But a story is there. In watching it, I have actually found that I forget that I'm watching myself and am affected by the character.

I've spoken of this film on my blog before. I'm mentioning it now because there is a write up of it on the Rooftop Films Web site (http://rooftopfilms.com/show_07-ladevocion.html) and the director, who is flying to New York tomorrow for the screening, called me about it today. The festival is really championing this film. It's wonderful to have your work supported anyways, but this means a lot to us because we all (the director, me, the other actors) went through many transformations and frustrations to make this movie. It is very rewarding to have the film be so highly regarded by this festival. I hope the viewers enjoy it. The film is definitely a mixed bag.

Love,
Aislinn

Our First Doctor's Visit

2007-08-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

We went to our first doctor's appointment today and they did an ultrasound of the baby. Turns out I'm about 12 weeks along...which puts my due date on March 12. My birthday is March 16. Pretty interesting.

We got to hear the baby's heart beat and we could actually see it beating. I was quite amazed at how well we could see the baby. We could see the legs and feet, the arms and hands. How amazing.

Here's our beautiful baby:

In awe,
Aislinn

Life Lessons

2007-08-26T20:06:00.001-07:00

I've been reading a lot lately, which is wonderful for me. Now that I'm not working, I let myself wake up slowly and then I allow myself to read for however long I feel. I've been reading a series of books by Lynn V. Andrews, who is a shaman and an apprentice to a powerful Native American medicine woman. The books can be tedious at times, but there are many lessons and good teachings that keep me propelling forward.

I think perhaps the most recent, and powerful, lesson that I've gotten out of these books is how life and being human is really just a game. That's my terminology, FYI. Of course, it's always easier said than done, but I have long felt that we humans take life way too seriously, myself being a huge offender. There is so much more that we can do as human and as spiritual beings, but we don't even know it because we allow ourselves to get so bogged down with "life" - which to me is really social pressures.

I believe that if we can realize and accept that we are capable of powers beyond what our human mind limits us to have, then that power will naturally begin to unfold. But, if we continue to think that we are only capable or worthy of so much, or of a certain limit, then that is where we will continue to dwell.

I like this quote from one of the books: "Look at the magnificence of possibility in an individual. And then look at what they are, and you locate their pain, their tragedies, their incompleteness. This creates a space between what is and what could be. It is in the void that enlightenment exists. It is from here that we all come and must again return."

Not allowing my mind to limit myself will be a lifelong journey.

Love,
Aislinn

The Wedding Dress

2007-08-24T19:57:00.000-07:00

My wedding dress came in today. I went into the store and tried it on. It didn't fit! Guess I've gained a little baby weight. At least I have an excuse. The dress, even though the attendant couldn't get it to zip up all the way, is so beautiful. I basically have to hope that my stomach doesn't get any bigger but that my breasts do. Thank goodness for alterations.

The wedding is only six weeks away. While I've tried to have fun with the whole experience, I'm starting to take the stance of, I just don't want to be a burden. There is a lot to ask of people when you're planning a wedding. I don't want those people to end up resenting me. I feel that my friends and family are emanating an air of inconvenience. That could also be my own projection.

Our wedding day feels like it has been a long time coming and I am quite anxious for the day to finally be here. I like instant gratification, so having to wait 10 months, from the time that we set the actual date, has been agonizing. I had a dream recently that I had my wedding gown on and my bridesmaids were all dressed up, too, and then I found out (in my dream) that we still had two weeks to go. I woke up feeling that even if I did have two weeks to go from that moment in real life, it seemed like too long. But, I think the reason why it seems so long is that if we're ready to say our vows "now", why wait months and months and spend a ton of money to do so? I was actually laughing about that with one of my bridesmaids today. It seems so silly. But, the reason why we're having a ceremony is because it's deeply important to both Neil and I to have our friends and family there to support us and witness our vows. And I've always felt that if I'm going to have a ceremony...and I'm only going to be doing it once...then go for it! Plus, admittedly, I can be a bit of princess when it comes to getting what I want. I won't lie. I think it's a product of my upbringing, but I haven't chosen to do away with it. After a certain point, however, I really don't want to be a burden. Let's just get it taken care of and have some dang fun in the process!

Love,
Aislinn

The Wild World of Editing

2007-08-16T19:57:00.000-07:00

I have been taking an online editing class and while it can be tedious I am actually learning a lot. I am also terrified to write because my grammar and syntax will reveal how I lack the proper use of language. I have become accustomed to writing the way that I think, which, I should note, is encouraged by an editor to a certain degree, but it doesn't mean that you can ignore (or be plain ignorant of) certain rules of language. Just now, it took several minutes to re-read and edit those three sentences. Oh, boy.

That being said, I will forge ahead and try to keep in mind what I have been learning. I'm just amazed at all the things an editor has to stay on top of: parallel construction, expletives, nominals, voice (passive versus active). And that's on top of spelling, grammar, capitalization and number rules. I'm having a hard time keeping it all straight in my mind. But, practice makes perfect, I suppose. Wait, that's a cliche and I should try to avoid those...

Anyways, I have to go. Neil and I are heading to Bend tonight to spend the weekend with my dad and step-mom and I need to finish packing. We're going to meet with our minister tomorrow morning then head out to Brasada Ranch, the resort that we're having the ceremony at (and the resort that my dad manages), to see the newly built club house. It will be nice to finally see the space where Neil and I will be vowing our love and commitment. Ah, how sweet.

Love,
Aislinn

And Baby Makes Three

2007-08-06T10:53:00.000-07:00

Yes, folks, Neil and I are going to have a baby. I'm about 7 weeks along. It's one of the reasons why I haven't written in a while. My grandfather (my mom's dad) passed away two weeks ago and the very next morning we found out that I was pregnant. Then, a week later, I was laid off from work (both a blessing and a stresser). So, life has been very full.

Neil and I are excited, scared, joyful, nervous...everything new parents should be, I suppose. And besides the major task of preparing for a baby, we still have a lot ahead of us: our wedding is in exactly two months from today, Neil's job ends on Labor Day, I'm going to visit my mom in Hawaii over Labor Day weekend, we're going to Cancun for our honeymoon a week after the ceremony and Neil starts the Paramedic program at PCC in January. Plus, we're hoping to move into a house. But, I feel good about it. I am really putting my faith in the universe that we are supported and everything will be wonderful.

Well, I'm off for now. Just wanted to (finally) share the good news!

Love,
Aislinn

2007-08-03T19:11:00.000-07:00

Most of us think that acting is something easy, or even glamorous. I maintain that to do it well, it's one of the toughest jobs there is. In fact, I think that actors are some of the bravest people I know. Because on a regular basis they willingly explore places in their hearts and minds most of us try to avoid our whole lives.

Victor Salva, director

The Registry

2007-07-15T10:13:00.000-07:00

I had breakfast with a couple friends yesterday (my former room mate and her boyfriend). She is one of my bridesmaids and she expressed that she wants to go with me when I register for wedding gifts so she can run around and use the laser gun thing to scan the desired items. Unfortunately I already registered somewhere online. Her excitement over the registry ritual was so authentic, however, that I felt bad about not experiencing it with her. So, later in the day, while walking along NW 23rd, I spontaneously suggested that we go to the Pottery Barn and create a registry. She was quite happy at that suggestion and we spent a couple hours perusing and inspecting the nice, and pricey, items.

Why I bring this up is that my friends boyfriend brought something to my attention in the middle of one of the beautiful bedroom models. I picked up a lovely, red leather jewelry box and expressed my adoration for it. My friend immediately prepared to scan it and as I flipped it over to find the bar code I gasped at the hundred dollar price tag. I flipped the box back over and started to put it away but she wouldn't let me. That is when her boyfriend pointed out that I continually put a limit on my worth. That there are people out there that want to give me nice gifts, and from somewhere like the Pottery Barn, not, say, Target (not that there's a problem with Target, that's the other place I registered).

My argument was that if someone was going to spend a hundred dollars on a gift for me, then I would rather have something that I could really use or admire, not a jewelry box. My fifteen dollar one from Walmart works just fine. His response was that I need to stop cutting myself off from receiving what I want, not what I think I'm worth.

He is absolutely right. I find some thing that I like or want (not just material things) and I find reasons why I'm not worthy. I treat myself like, "who am I to receive something so nice?". You have to tell the universe what you want, and you have to act like you already have it (and deserve it). So, I scanned that jewelry box (though I later switched it for a smaller, more beautiful one with Mother of Pearl accents)...and I scanned a lot of other things that I normally wouldn't have allowed myself to. My friends had to keep pushing me but I really tried to open myself up to abundance and believe that, should anyone really get me these items, that I am worth it...that Neil and I's marriage and life together is worth it.

Geez, who knew that such a material act could bring such awareness to higher work? The universe works in unexpected ways!

Love,
Aislinn

Changes

2007-07-13T12:16:00.000-07:00

All change is a miracle to contemplate. But it is a miracle that is taking place every instant.

- Henry David Thoreau

I have the above quote written on my mirror in my bedroom. It has been there for several years, since I read Thoreau in an English class at Portland State. I haven't been able to erase it yet. It has certainly blended in over the years, but at times, as I lay in bed, it catches my eye and I allow myself to contemplate change. I keep it up to remind me that change is neither good nor bad, it is something that is taking place, as Thoreau states, in every instant of our lives - whether we choose to pay attention to it or not.

I got the word this morning that at this time, my boss does not know whether any of us have a job. They are trying to figure out a way to keep us on, but that may include working part time or taking less money...or worrying that the brokers will produce enough business to be able to afford to pay extra for our services. I told my boss that I would rather have a clean break and just make the decision to be done. I think she was a little surprised by that, but she understands and supports it.

So, I think that in the next week or two I may choose to be out of a job. It's a scary thought, and an exciting one. A change to embrace. A chance to create what I want and trust that the universe will provide. I'm open!

I am going to take an online class through PCC on editing (as in writing). I love to write, but I've always been better on the technical side than the creative side. I'm just curious to know more about editing, it's something that I've always enjoyed doing, but never felt that I had the experience or training to back me up.

My mom's best friend, who lives just North of Seattle, just took an editing course as well. She's starting her own publishing company. I told my mom to put in a good word for me. You see, who knows what could open up for me!

To change...and all it's miracles!

Love,

Aislinn

Shifts

2007-07-12T14:13:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm sitting at work more or less twiddling my thumbs. I was going to log on to my Proschools account and meagerly study for my real estate license but my account has expired. I've had nearly a year and half to get my license and I haven't made it through even one of the seven books. Neil keeps pushing me to get my license but I just don't want to. I don't want to be in real estate, why should I get my license in a career that I want to move on from?

My work is actually in the midst of a shift, though I'm not certain what that shift entails yet. The proposal is to lower the broker's fees, but if we do that then we have to cut staff. I actually wouldn't mind being laid off and collecting unemployment. I never thought I'd actually want to collect unemployment, but I've already paid into it, why shouldn't I give myself a month to take a break from the 9-5 world, perhaps even try to get an agent and see where that leads? I would have more time and energy to go audition. I get excited about it when I think of the things I could do. Then, I remind myself that I am probably the one employee that they wouldn't let go. I do too much here and a great many of our brokers are here just for my services - and they're not shy about letting everyone know that. But, who knows what the universe has in store for me.

One of my biggest lessons in this life is to trust that everything is perfect. Not what is seemingly perfect for me, or for you, but life just...is. There's no right time or wrong time. There's no good or bad. It just is. If we hold on to our attachments or expectations then we're not open to the endless abundance that the universe can provide. On the other side of that, however, you can't just sit back and wait for the universe to provide. You must take action to let it know what you want. Well, that's what I was trying to figure out in one of my more recent posts. If my job is going to be shifting, what do I want to do that will make me happy and pay the bills? I still can't answer that yet. And yes, I'm aware of my use of can't.

I'm focusing a lot on our wedding right now and it feels good. It's another area where I have to remind myself that there is no right time or wrong time. We got my wedding ring yesterday, that was uplifting. Yet another step closer! We're going to look at tuxedos tonight. It's three months away, so we still have plenty of time, but I know that it will go by without realizing it.

Life...what a trip. We take it way too seriously, and yet it's so hard not to.

Love,
Aislinn

Words of Wisdom

2007-07-08T12:12:00.000-07:00

I learned that the reason for an an act of beauty is to create a mirror for yourself so that you can begin to know intimately who you are.

- Lynn V. Andrews

The Million Dollar Question

2007-07-03T10:24:00.001-07:00

I was watching Office Space the other day and took a moment to ponder after the scene where they ask, if you had a million dollars, what would you do with it? That's how you find what you really want to do in your life. So, I started to think, if I had a ton of money and didn't have to worry about "making a living", what would I do with my life? Acting was the first answer. Traveling was the second and writing was third. But I've always known that acting is what I want to do. The problem is that I'm not willing to drop everything and hope that I "make it" and become a working actor. I'm willing to try to work up to it. And that is something that has made me question how committed I really am to my true love of acting. If I loved it that much, shouldn't I be willing to do whatever it takes to be a working actor? I don't think that the issue is my commitment to acting, but I do think there is something there to look in to.

I just had a conversation with my mom about how I feel like it's getting close to the time to transition out of real estate. It's what I'm good at and what I know, but it's not what I love doing. It's certainly not what I want my "career" to be. So, what do you want to do, she asked. Well, I just don't know. I mean I do, but I'm not willing to possibly go into debt trying to make it happen. And, I'm not willing to uproot myself and go to LA or NY. Actually, I'm not willing to uproot myself at all right now, for several reasons. So what do I want to do, here and now, that will pay the bills and make me happy? I'm actually really surprised that I can't answer that right now. But, of course, I am my biggest block. I become too reasonable, or analytical, instead of trusting that I can make money doing what I love.

I had a one night stand with a local actor several years back. We were friends before "the big night", but not so much afterwards. We're friendly when we see each other, but it's always a bit awkward. Last year, while I was working on Wit, I ran into him and he gushed about how he's a working actor now. While we've always been supportive of each other's work, I found that I was quite jealous of his new status in the Portland acting community (he's actually a relatively well-known and celebrated actor in Portland). Well, I saw him last Saturday at a wedding and he himself just got married. While talking to him and his wife I found that I kept wanting to work into the conversation that I just got done filming a feature film, but I never brought it up. They were more interested in the fact that I, too, was getting married this year. I then cut the conversation short and went to get a glass of wine, but my desire for him to know that I was still getting acting work was annoying me. I might not be a "working" actor, but I'm a good actor and people want to work with me. But why should I prove that to him? Isn't it myself that I need to convince?

I don't know where I'm going with all this. I wish I knew which direction to point my life. Things are fine the way that they are, but like I said, it's not what I want for the rest of my life. I think I'm going to take an editing class and perhaps a writing class that focuses on a certain genre and see if I can get my self inspired about writing again. I don't know where that will take me, but that's exactly why I want to do it.

And you know, I am a working actor; I just trade my work for the experience and all that wonderful set food.

Love,
Aislinn

Whirlwind

2007-06-30T10:49:00.000-07:00

Life has been quite the whirlwind since we got back from our trip. I filmed four days in a row for Dangerous Writing (including one evening that went until 4:30 in the morning), beginning the day after returning home, then we had a wrap party on Thursday night and last night Neil sang the national anthem for the opening ceremonies of the Special Olympics Summer Games. Plus, on top of that, Neil and I found time to join a gym, shop for wedding rings and look at a house that we're hoping to move into when it's done being remodeled (my ex-step-uncle has a small house by The Grotto that he's fixing up).

Today, I have to go grocery shopping, buy a wedding present and go to a wedding reception this evening. Tomorrow, hopefully, I will be able to decompress a bit and get the house cleaned up and put the rest of our camping gear away (half of which is still sitting in our living room).

Having my schedule free up from filming will be a welcome event, but my heart is sad to be done. I worked hard and close with a lot of really great people on this project. I look up to Neal Corl, the director, and hope that one day I can be half as creative and intelligent as he is. I am so grateful to Nicola Corl, his wife, for taking time out of her busy schedule of being a mom to three children, a make up artist and a hair dresser, to make me so beautiful for the film. Getting back to my un-made-up self with my frizzy hair makes me feel quite frumpy! Dennis Brenhaug, our assistant director and one of the producers, was wonderfully attentive and protective of the actors. The night that we filmed at Voodoo Donuts in Old Town there was a man who walked right up to me as we were filming a scene and started putting his hands on me. Dennis was ready to kick the crap out of him. He said, "I don't care if you fuck up my shot, but don't fucking touch my actors." It was great. I didn't like the guy coming up to me, but I liked Dennis's response.

And, of course, the actors were the greatest joy for me to work with. Neal has a way of attracting really talented people. David Millstone, the main character, was always ready to work and well prepared. Joey Boyd has grown so much as an actor and he was perfect for his role. Andrew Dickson was always so at ease and available, which helped me to stay grounded.

There were so many other people that were wonderful to work with - that's sounds rather trite, but at the moment I don't know how else to describe it. I just hope that I get to work with everyone again.

I feel doubtful of the quality of some of my work. I have low confidence in my acting work as it is, but I'm learning to let go of that insecurity on set. After the fact is when I really start questioning it. I find that I'm trusting that if Neal is not getting what he wants then he'll tell me, or work me through it. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I know when I feel like I'm doing good work or not and try to adjust accordingly, but ultimately, in my opinion, I want to make sure the director is getting what he wants for his vision of the scene. I keep thinking that Neal is going to want to re-shoot some scenes but what I get so far is that he's happy with what he has. And that, I know, is a good thing.

Now, it's time to focus on the next big project, getting married!

Love,
Aislinn

Have a Giggle

2007-06-27T15:27:00.000-07:00

The Great Outdoors

2007-06-14T11:07:00.001-07:00

I have been quite distracted lately with preparing for a week-long trip into the woods. Neil and I are going to our yearly Native American ceremony (where we met) and it's a lot of work. Everyone says, have a great vacation!, and it gets a little annoying because though I'm taking vacation time, it's a week filled with a lot of energy (physical and emotional) and work (physical and emotional). But, I do get to be in the woods for a week.

Aside from the bears and cougars that roam through camp and the absolutely frigid nights (yes, it's June, but we're up in the Eastern/Central Oregon mountains), it's nice to be outside and away from telephones, computers and televisions. A hot shower and a real bathroom would be nice to have, but if ever there is a time for embracing your smelly, grungy self, this is it.

I've been pulling things together for the last couple of weeks, but last night was the first time that I actually started packing the clothes, towels, linens (we got an air mattress for Christmas...so excited to not have to sleep on the hard ground anymore!), sleeping bags, blankets, food, dishes, cookware, utensils, toiletries, water containers, ceremony regalia, tent, stove, propane, chairs, tables, coolers, tarps, ropes, flashlights, lanterns, dishwashing tub/rack, garbage bags, papertowels, toilet paper and first aid kit. I got a little stressed out. I'm leaving it up to Neil to pack the car.

On another note, we filmed a scene for Dangerous Writing Tuesday night and I felt good about it. I felt a lot more grounded than I had when previously filming. Our two week hiatus helped me to get back to myself. Some of the guys helping out were from the Panic shoot (the music video I was in for Quivah). They all remembered me and were happy to see me. It's always nice to be remembered.

Well, I most likely won't be able to write again before we leave tomorrow, so I'll be back in a little over a week!

Love,
Aislinn

Words of Widsom

2007-06-06T14:04:00.000-07:00

You make a living by what you get.
You make a life by what you give.

- Ronald Reagan

Grateful for Grandma

2007-06-04T14:22:00.001-07:00

My year of volunteering at a nursing home while I was a senior in high school came in handy yesterday. I visited my grandma in her nursing home in Mt. Angel and had to help her eat because her motor skills were quite slow and her hands too shaky to steadily guide food to her mouth. I didn't mind helping her, of course, but I wondered if she felt embarrassed that her young granddaughter had to feed her.

Though my grandma has always needed a man to support her, she is also used to doing things for herself. If you take away her ability to brush her own teeth or put on her own makeup she gets rather upset. The last time I visited her when she lived in Medford, shortly before they moved her closer to Portland (shortly before she almost died here), we took her to dinner and breakfast. For each meal she was completely color coordinated. Her clothes, her jacket, her makeup, her jewelry and the barrettes in her hair all matched.

Yesterday, she had on black sweat-type pants with a red stripe on the side and a pink and white striped shirt. Not an outfit she chose, I assure you. I went to get her a sweater and tried my hardest to find something that matched. Alas, a light purple piece was the best I could do. She didn't seem to notice and I'm sure that being color coordinated is actually a distant thought for her, at this point.

I think the most amazing thing about all this with my grandma is that I've never really been that close her, I took the obligated trips to visit her with my mom, but I've never felt closer to her than I do now, as she nears the end of her life. There's part of me that feels guilty about that, but there's also parts of me that doesn't want to let go of my resentment towards her that she was physically and emotionally abusive to my mom. That side of her is long gone, and I never got to actually see it, of course, but I resented her for it just the same.

Now, however, when I walk in and hug her and she says, "hi baby", I turn to mush. And it makes me sad that we didn't have that earlier. But I am so grateful to have it now.

Love,
Aislinn

Neil's on the Cover!

2007-05-30T10:37:00.001-07:00

Neil's on the front page of The Oregonian for his work! Check it out...

That's him on the left.

That's my love! What a great guy! Here's the link to the story:

http://www.oregonlive.com/news/oregonian/index.ssf?/base/news/11805029813900.xml&coll=7

Oh, Those Little Insecurities

2007-05-28T09:51:00.000-07:00

I woke up with a lot on my mind this morning. Mostly about Neil, my fiance. He is a River Rescue Technician (their official term) for AMR (American Medical Response) this summer and I'm concerned about his conduct on the job. Neil is very fun-loving and upbeat, two qualities that I really love about him, but sometimes it can be over-bearing and taken the wrong way. He has already been knocked down from a full time position to part time because they didn't feel that he was taking the training seriously since he was "playing around so much". Neil says that he just laughs a lot as a way to deal with his insecurities, but he doesn't realize how disruptive it can be. Well, actually, he's realizing now.

At first I just tried to be supportive of Neil and his situation, I mean anyone would be upset about getting bumped from full time to part time (if they were expecting a full time position), for any reason. Now a few days later, I'm feeling a little frustrated and worried. They could have just let Neil go all together, and I'm sure that they are really watching his behavior. I'm not sure I trust that Neil can help himself sometimes. I've tried to talk to him about it before but he feels like I'm lecturing him or that I just can't handle how social he is. This is the beginning of, hopefully, a long career in the emergency medical services field and I don't want Neil to fuck it up. It affects my future, too!

I guess, in a way, it's a good lesson for me too. I also have a lot of insecurities and now I get the chance to see how disruptive they can be in your life. And when you really take a look at the whole picture, what I'm insecure about (or what Neil is insecure about), is so incredibly minuscule and vain and not at all worth the energy. So, this is good for me to see. I just hope that Neil and I can both learn our lessons from this quickly so we can move on and not have to repeat it.

I was also thinking about Dangerous Writing a lot this morning (well, in truth, it's still on my mind rather constantly). I felt like we did some good work last night but the night before didn't go so well for me. I think what's bugging me the most about it, though, is that I should have voiced what I was experiencing at the time, but there was a myriad of reasons why I didn't, the main one being that it was almost one in the morning and I was just straight up tired. I don't know how to write about it here without sounding cryptic, so I'm going to stop there.

I'm just feeling a little off this morning. I have to be at hair and makeup in an hour. It's going to be a long day, I hope I can have some fun with it.

Love,
Aislinn

Rooftop Films

2007-05-24T18:39:00.001-07:00

La Devocion, a film I made probably three years ago, has been accepted into the Rooftop Films summer series in New York City. This is quite an accomplishment for this little film (I have spoken about it here a couple times). Here's what the Artistic Director for Rooftop Films had to say about it:

"It gives me great pleasure to tell you that Rooftop Films would like to screen "La Devocion" as part of the 2007 Summer Series. Personally, I was really blown away by the film. It's so raw and wild, and yet very insightful and well-thought-out. At first glance, the characters seem somewhat haphazard and cliché, but every scene builds a more and more rich understanding, and the characters constantly surprised me with nuanced ideas. The scene where the couple's argument devolves into pure repetition is a brilliant example: it's a formalist trick, a metaphoric reduction of the way couple's arguments spiral, but one could also sense that maybe they are aware of the repetition, and are actually just fucking with each other. In the end, I thought the story was rich, performances are intense and impassioned, and the filmmaking dynamic and exciting. Congratulations."

Pretty cool. I am very happy for the director, this has been a long journey for him.

Love,
Aislinn

It's Still With Me

2007-05-22T18:32:00.000-07:00

Dangerous Writing is consuming me right now. It is constantly on my mind. And what I find so wonderful is that everyone that I have talked to (or read their blogs) who have been involved is so grateful. What an amazing feeling to be bonded with this very talented group of actors and crew members.

And I have to say that I have never appreciated the crew so much as I do now. Perhaps it's because I know most of them and it's the first time I've actually gotten to work with them in this capacity. I love to watch them with their craft. They are so incredibly focused (or at least it appears that way from my view) and very knowledgeable. Actually, I find it quite sexy.

At work I keep getting asked if I think there will be a premiere, or what the director plans on doing with the film. It's getting annoying, actually. I want to ask them to let me just enjoy the process of making a film and not project what I think the outcome will be. My response to them is that as an actor I don't worry myself with the outcome. I don't want to have expectations or attachments to what I want the end result to be, I can only focus on doing my work. I do it because I love it, not because I want a certain result for the film.

My job is very supportive, for which I am grateful. One woman offered to be my stylist, another asked if she could be my assistant to be able to go on set. They are serious, too. And my boss keeps referring to me as the company's movie star. It's flattering, yet a bit distracting at the same time. I feel like they're building me up and I don't want to let them down. That being said, I know it's their way of showing their support, too. I guess it's kind of like how the reviews for Wit made me feel; I felt a pressure to give a great "performance" so I wouldn't let anyone down who had read the reviews.

I don't mean to sound negative about any of that. It's part of what's making this process so meaningful, the fact that people care so much.

I'm really looking forward to filming this weekend.

Love,
Aislinn

Gotta Love It

2007-05-21T10:38:00.000-07:00

It's 10:40 Tuesday morning and I'm sitting at work not wanting to focus. I don't have that much to do so I'm not in a rush to get things done. We filmed for Dangerous Writing all weekend and early this morning, and it's all I can think about. Though I'm tired, I feel better than I have for a long time.

The longer I wait between acting jobs, the more I realize how much it feeds my soul when I get back to work. I shouldn't wait so long. I am so grateful that Neal asked me to be in his film. My senses are waking back up, as is my appreciation for life. It is also more apparent than ever how much I need acting in my life. But, it's not just the "acting", it's the entire experience. Being on set, getting to know your castmates, watching the crew work...just being a part of it all coming to together. And in doing what I love I am breaking out of the monotony of my day to day life and routines. What a glorious feeling!

That's not to say that I don't appreciate my life and what fills it up (in fact, I think it makes me appreciate it more), it just lets me know that I need to create more space for acting. That sounds like such an obvious statement, but when you get stuck in routines and ways of being, it's easy to dismiss the fact that you're not doing what you love. Even if "doing what you love" means filming a blow job scene at 7 in the morning. See, you just gotta love it!

Love,
Aislinn

Private Parts

2007-05-15T21:24:00.000-07:00

I am a very private person. Over the last few years I have become increasingly anti-social and I get very shy in public or when meeting new people. I don't put myself out there well, which is why I haven't had more acting work. Yet, I can stand naked on stage in front of a full audience. I can work on a film where the camera is focused only on me. Perhaps that's why I need the other areas of my life to be very private. It takes a lot out of me to be "on" and "out there" when working on a project.

Now, my fiance, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. He thrives being in the spot light...in EVERY aspect of his life. Quite frankly it drives me nuts. I know I will have to deal with it for the rest of our lives and that will be a struggle. He likes to be every one's hero. He needs people around him to validate him. Sometimes I feel that there aren't enough boundaries, but I trust him and it's his journey to figure out.

Yet the more "out there" that he gets, the more inward I want to go. This will be an interesting challenge in our marriage. There's that part of me that wonders why I'm not enough for him; why he has to get so much attention from other places. But I know that it's just who he is...he likes to know what's going on with everyone.

Admittedly, I am a jealous person when it comes to my man. I want him all to myself and that is not realistic. So what doesn't seem like a big deal to him is big to me, but I'm working on that. I do have a Leo moon, so my emotional side wants to be the center of attention. I just get my fix in more productive ways...but I still need to get my fix.

Speaking of fix, we begin shooting Dangerous Writing this weekend and I am quite excited. It is going to be a long weekend but I am thrilled to spend it with the talented people who are working on the film. To me, there is nothing like the feeling of being on set. What a lucky girl I am.

Love,
Aislinn

I Do

2007-05-08T19:30:00.001-07:00

The minister for our wedding sent us our vows today. I'm sure she'll present them beautifully. Made me cry. I truly feel that they are perfect for us. We have a broad, eclectic spiritual faith and the vows don't weigh heavily on "god", nor are they vague or spirit-less. I really was very pleased. They are unlike any that I've heard before...that's definitely a plus!

I am so thrilled to have the minister that we have. She is one of my mom's oldest friends and I can remember her as far back as when I was giving aura readings and drawings at her Spiritual Awareness fair when I was nine. I'd like to think I knew what I was doing, I definitely trusted myself more back then, and she definitely trusted me. Her background is in astrology, clairvoyance, crystals and healing energies. I didn't tell my dad that, just that we had a wonderful minister who has her own church. He rolls his eyes at all those "woo woo" things. Which is another reason why I liked the vows so much, because they don't give a "woo woo" vibe - and even if they did, we'd still use them. It's just one less thing to worry about.

What a surreal experience, planning a wedding. What a surreal feeling to be "married".

To love!
Aislinn